How to Ask Your Partner's Father for Permission to Propose

Let's face it, weddings are all about tradition. Between wearing white, exchanging rings, walking down the aisle, and reciting vows, among other customs, the act of getting married is steeped in deep history, no matter your culture or religion. Sure, while certain practices have slowly phased out over time—the bride's family paying for the entire wedding, for example—many individuals still choose to observe certain conventions that have been established decades, and even centuries, prior. Chief among them? Asking one's father for his child’s hand in marriage.

Though some may see this tradition as old-fashioned, it's actually a custom many people choose to follow since it offers a way for an individual to include their partner's family in the engagement and wedding process. "Getting married is a major milestone in life, and while it may look different for different families, the practice [of asking a father for permission] as a whole is still widely accepted," notes relationship expert Nicholas “Nic” Hardy. So for those currently planning to pop the question, we spoke with Hardy for his expert advice on how to pull off this tradition without a hitch.

Ahead, here's an easy-to-follow guide on how to ask for permission to marry—including information on how long before the proposal you should ask and alternative options to consider if this practice isn't for you.

The History of Asking for a Father's Permission to Propose

A man asking a woman’s father for her hand in marriage was established from the anachronistic notion that women were once considered property. Even if couples were marrying for love, women were considered to be under the control of men and needed permission from their fathers to leave the family home. Not only that, but this tradition also served as a way for a family to ensure they could entrust their daughter's future and well-being to her future spouse. In some earlier eras, it even served as an opportunity to discuss the contractual side of the arrangement, like the daughter's dowry.

Of course, within modern-day times, this custom has significantly changed and has evolved into something far less transactional (and archaic). Today, the action of approaching a partner's parents—moms are now included in these conversations, too—is more of a respectful gesture meant to include someone's mom and/or dad in the joyous occasion, allowing them to give their blessing for the impending union.

Expert-Approved Tips to Follow When Asking Your Partner's Parents for Permission to Marry

Planning to ask your partner's father and/or mother for permission to propose? As you muster up the courage to sit down with your soon-to-be in-laws, here's what to keep in mind before this all-important conversation.

Take a Moment to Mentally Prepare

Hardy shares that mentally preparing for the conversation in advance will help alleviate any stress you may have about your impending discussion. "Asking for a father’s permission can be nerve-wracking. This is normal and should be embraced," he explains. "The more prepared you are, the more confident and comfortable you will be in that moment. This helps set a good impression and can ease potential tension. You can also mentally prepare by grounding yourself in your own personal reasons for wanting to get married. This can reduce fears and alleviate doubts or intrusive thoughts that may be disruptive."

Don't Delay the Discussion

If you've decided that you want to propose to your partner and ask their parents for permission, try to have the conversation as soon as you can. Having this chat sooner rather than later ensures that your significant other's parents don't feel like an afterthought—plus, you can ask them for help if you need an extra hand planning the proposal.

Approach the Conversation Respectfully

Since asking for permission to propose is a major life milestone, you want to be sure that you approach the talk as respectfully as possible. An in-person conversation is always the best course of action—and if traveling is involved, it's best that you make the trip rather than inconveniencing them.

It's also important to consider the environment and weigh how the conversation might pan out. Is there a chance you won't get the reaction you want? Then a public setting may not be the right choice. If you foresee things going smoothly, however, a nice dinner at a restaurant is a lovely way to make the chat a little more special.

Consider Family Dynamics

Be sure to consider your partner's family dynamic before scheduling any meetings. So, if your partner's parents are happily married, you may want to talk to both parents together. If the parents are divorced, however, each parent should be addressed individually. In this case, it's also best to begin with whichever parent your partner is closest to, as the conversation should be easier and will be great practice before talking to the other person.

"When asking a father’s permission, it is critically essential to understand their cultural norms, family dynamics, and that father’s individual personality. Cultural norms offer a general framework, whereas family dynamics delve into the unwritten rules that govern the expectations of that family," adds Hardy. "These expectations set the standard for what is acceptable and can be used to guide. Additionally, I believe it is important to understand who the father is as an individual, their personality, etc. These can all be useful when determining the best approach."

Additionally, for those navigating any strained family relationships, it's crucial that you take your significant other's feelings into consideration. For instance, if they don't have a strong bond with their parents, it's probably best to skip this tradition altogether. Is your relationship with the parents strained? Ease into it by engaging in multiple discussions before finally asking for their child's hand in marriage. 

Speak From the Heart

As for the actual conversation itself, go off script and speak from the heart. Just don't forget to mention how much you love their child, how you wish to make them happy, and how you want to spend the rest of your life with them

Alternatives to Asking for Permission to Marry

If the traditional notion of asking for permission isn't for you, there are ways to put a modern spin on this custom. You can plan a fun “parents proposal," which is simply a pre-proposal proposal; personalize the whole event and make it a memorable one. We love the idea of filming it for your significant other to watch later on.

You can also treat the conversation as a chance to let your partner's parents in on the fun, whether that’s letting them know the big moment is approaching or asking them to help plan the perfect surprise. This eliminates any of the dated mentalities linked to the tradition and offers a refreshing, feminist-forward approach while being inclusive. This way, your “We’re engaged!” phone call is a much-anticipated surprise instead of an out-of-the-blue shock.

Nonetheless, if the entire practice and meaning behind it doesn't sit well with you, you're welcome to skip it entirely—though it’s probably still a good idea to clue in your partner's father and mother into your upcoming plans.