Can You Tell Your Child That You Don’t Like Their Fiancé?

Who your child chooses as a life partner is arguably one of the most impactful decisions they’ll make in adulthood—and one that has a lasting ripple effect on your entire family. In a perfect world, the person they bring home for good checks every box, passes every test, and gels with every relative, so you can be certain that they are the best possible fit. You have these standards, of course, because you love your child; you want to see them happy in love, plus supported and taken care of on an emotional, physical, and financial level. But life is rarely perfect—and the person that your son or daughter wants to marry might not be the one you saw coming.

So, what to do if you aren’t your child’s fiancé’s biggest fan? Everyone falls somewhere different on the spectrum of “dislike,” but whether you find your child’s partner moderately annoying or are deeply concerned about what you believe are the reddest of red flags, you’re probably wondering if you should say something. It leads us to the big, scary, controversial question: Can you ever tell your child that you don’t like their fiancé and don’t think they should marry them? Or, if they aren’t their fiancé just yet, can you deny them permission if they do ask? We asked two mental health experts and, believe it or not, both said yes—you just have to approach it the right way.

First, you need to take stock of your own feelings. According to Wale Okerayi, a counselor who practices in New York and Texas, there’s a big difference between disliking your child’s fiancé because you have little in common and disliking them because you don’t think  they’re a fit for your child. “The difference is that in the first scenario, you can grow to like or love them in time,” she explains. “The second indicates that you’re seeing some significant character flaws.” If you’re struggling to differentiate between the two, Okerayi recommends monitoring your own emotional response when you are around your child and their future spouse. “Is the fiancé activating something inside you? Parents should try to decenter themselves and think about how this person treats their child,” she adds. “Is your child content in the relationship? Can you trust their fiancé to support them if you are not able to?”

If the answers to those questions are yes, then it might be a you—not a them—issue. “Parents need to reflect on whether their reservations are based on personal biases or valid red flags that could impact their child's well-being,” affirms Elizabeth Overstreet, a relationship coach and author. “Self-reflective work involves examining one's own biases, being open to different perspectives, and considering the long-term implications of the relationship.” But if your dislike is centered around true concerns (perhaps you don’t like how they treat your child or other members of your family), it might be within your right to start a dialogue with your son or daughter. Ahead, Okerayi and Overstreet explain how to do just that.

Understand That Familial Transitions Can Be Hard

Regardless of whether you know your child’s partner well or not at all, if and when they become engaged to your child, there will be a transition to contend with. “It's important to remember that awkward interactions and quick judgments can occur when a girlfriend or boyfriend becomes a fiancé,” says Overstreet. “This is an elevated relationship status, as they will soon become an official part of the family. It's not uncommon for there to be some hiccups along the way that can make parents evaluate whether or not they are a good fit for their son or daughter. Patience and understanding are key during this transition.”

Think of it this way: It actually makes perfect sense that your child’s fiancé is a bit of a mystery to you. You’ve known your child for his or her entire life, but have only known their partner for a fraction of theirs. “There is so much to learn on both sides,” says Overstreet. “Depending on family dynamics, there may be some level of protectiveness and a fiancé can be seen as a disruption to the status quo. It’s going to take time for both sides to acclimate to one another.” She encourages parents to draw on personal experience when navigating this learning curve. “Recall how you felt when you were newly engaged and reflect on what did or didn’t work in your own experience,” she says.

Navigate the “Permission” Conversation With Honesty

If the engagement hasn’t happened yet, but you know that your child’s partner will be coming to you to ask for your blessing, you’re likely wondering about the best way to answer—especially if you aren’t able to offer a resounding yes. Whatever you do, don’t lie. “The choice is up to you as the parent. It will be uncomfortable, but being honest is far better than being dishonest,” says Okerayi. “I recommend sharing why you are not giving your permission and leaving the decision on how to move forward in their hands.”

“Giving permission or blessing is a personal choice,” Overstreet affirms. But if you think the conversation is imminent, get ahead of it, she says. “If you think that this person will not be a good match for your child, it's important to have a discussion with your child first,” she says. “That is where you have the primary relationship—but having this conversation will require empathy and understanding.”

When talking it through, Overstreet says to practice that reflective work again. “Think back to someone you dated before or were in a relationship with and loved. Maybe you decided to end it because your parents or a friend pointed out some areas of concern. Think about what led you to end your relationship and what may have kept you in the relationship,” she says. “This empathy and self-reflection will help you guide the conversation by placing yourself in your child's shoes.”

Take Stock of the Relationship You Have With Your Child

Let’s say you’re on the other side of the engagement, but you still have apprehension to voice. Are you and your child particularly close? Do you trust each other and prioritize honesty? If that’s your baseline, a candid, but careful conversation about their fiancé is likely possible. “If you have a close relationship, you should be able to express your concerns without a severe rupture,” says Okerayi. “However, if your relationship with your child is already strained, sharing your feelings might strain the relationship even more.”

Choose Your Words Carefully

If you decide to share your true feelings, be sure to do so with care. “Parents can express their worries,” says Overstreet, who recommends sticking with open-ended questions and encouraging their child to reflect on their relationship on their own. “Ultimately, the decision rests with the child, but planting the seed allows them space to critically think through their choice fully and reach their own conclusion.”

How you open the conversation is just as important as what you say during it. “Broaching the topic without devastating the child requires empathy, active listening, and non-judgmental language,” notes Overstreet. “Using ‘I’ statements to express concerns, emphasizing love and support, and acknowledging the child's autonomy can help maintain a positive connection. And expressing that you are coming from a place of love, concern, and support for your child's happiness and well-being will help you to center the conversation around them—not you.”

Not exactly sure how to start the dialogue? Both Overstreet and Okerayi have several conversation openers that you can use verbatim: 

• “I’ve noticed some things that concern me about your partner, and I wanted to talk to you about it because I care about your happiness and well-being.”
• "I have some reservations about your relationship, and I'd like to have an open and honest conversation with you about it.”
• “I love and care about you and I want you to be happy in your relationship. There are some questions that have been coming up for me about your partner. Can I share them with you?”
• “How are you feeling in your relationship right now? Are you content?” 
• “Your fiancé said/did a few things that made me feel a little uneasy. Can I talk to you about it?”

Be Mindful of What Not to Say

As you work towards finding the right words, be equally as aware of what you should not say. “Saying the words, ‘I don’t think you should marry him/her/them,’ may trigger your child and they may respond defensively or shut down in a way that could ruin your relationship,” explains Okerayi, who says to also avoid “name calling, trash talking, or saying, ‘I hate them.’” It’s just as important to “avoid making ultimatums, making disrespectful comments about the partner, or attacking the child's judgment,” says Overstreet. “Maintain a respectful and loving tone throughout the conversation. Actively listen and allow them to completely air out their feelings, why they think they should move forward, and if they have any apprehensions. Don't make it about you—it's about them. Be supportive and reassuring as you communicate with them.”

And if, despite your best intentions, the conversation begins to go south? Pull back, say our experts. “Take a step back, acknowledge these emotions, and suggest taking a break,” says Overstreet. “Reassure your child that the conversation can continue at a later time when both parties are calmer and more open to understanding each other. Redirect, as needed, that this is about their well-being, happiness, and being in a healthy relationship.” 

Time It Right

While you aren’t in control of your child’s relationship timeline—perhaps they got engaged without you knowing or sooner than you expected—you are in control of this conversation’s timing. If you plan on starting this dialogue, do so as early as possible (this isn’t a chat to have the day before your child’s nuptials). “Ideally, the conversation should happen before the engagement or wedding planning begins,” says Overstreet. “Timing is important to allow for open dialogue, reflection, and decision-making without added pressure or time constraints. The earlier, the better!”

Understand the Risks of Expressing Your Dislike

Yes, there are benefits to having this conversation (namely, “protecting your child from dangers they don’t see,” says Okerayi), but there are risks, too, even if your relationship is solid. “You risk a rupture in the relationship or a lack of trust moving forward,” Okerayi explains. “Your child may also decide to cut off communication with you for the foreseeable future.”

Beyond straining the parent-child relationship, you could also create a divide within the family, says Overstreet—which is why it’s critical to get the language (and approach) right. “For some children, the more you try to provide input into the direction you think they should go, the more it may move them in an entirely opposite direction,” she says. “It's important to understand your child's perspective, their drivers, and their personality, as this will determine the best way to communicate with them.” 

Manage Your End-Goal Expectations

At the end of the day—even though this is a hard pill to swallow—who your child does or doesn’t marry falls under their purview. It’s their life and their decision. “Parents should remember that their role is to provide guidance, support, and love. Ultimately, the decision to marry lies with the child,” says Overstreet. “It's important to maintain open communication lines, foster trust, and prioritize the child's happiness and well-being. Communicating your feelings respectfully and lovingly will reassure your child that your heart is in the right place.”

And while your child may not like your opinion in the moment, you’re modeling a behavior they might use in the future—in other words, you’re doing your job as a parent. “If your opinion is expressed in a heartfelt way that is centered on you doing it from a place of love and concern, your child will respect that in the long run,” says Overstreet. “It will also teach your children to act in a similar way if they face something similar with their own kids.”