Romantic Chemistry Between People: 7 Signs That You Have It and What to Do If You Don't

There are few better feelings in the world than experiencing that newfound chemistry with another person. In the early stages of a relationship, even the smallest touch or briefest eye contact is enough to send tingling shockwaves all over your body. This feeling is what we usually call chemistry between people, or "the spark"—a twinkle in the eye, a skipped heartbeat, or flushed cheeks that indicate two people are truly connecting. You know it when you feel it, but is there a scientific explanation for what we assume to be the chemistry between two people?

According to Kelly Campbell, Ph.D, the answer is a resounding yes. Chemistry has also been used to describe lust, but for the purpose of this article, chemistry in this context refers to mutual romantic interest and compatibility (in addition to physical attraction)—two potentially very important components of a lasting relationship.

"Chemistry happens when various factors converge at the right time," Campbell explains. "For example, chemistry is more likely when people are both open to the experience. It won’t be as 'magnetic' or easy to foster a connection if they are in a rush, angry, or already involved in a great romantic relationship—people who are happily committed tend not to pay attention to potential alternative partners (a premise known as 'derogation of alternatives')." 

Wondering if you and that special someone have romantic chemistry? Here, we share exactly what romantic chemistry is, how to know if you have it, and seven characteristics that may increase it in a relationship—plus, what to do if you aren't feeling the sparks or are wondering if chemistry between people is an indicator of a solid partnership.

What Is Romantic Chemistry?

Romantic chemistry focuses on characteristics present between two people, including mutual interests, similarity, and intimacy. According to Campbell, the more present these characteristics are, the more likely two individuals will perceive chemistry between each other. And if enough of those elements are there? You feel it. "You'll have a physical response to someone. You often feel a chemical response, like a faster heartbeat or a sense of excitement, when you are around them. You are likely attracted to them," says Elizabeth Overstreet, a relationship strategist, speaker, and author. "Or you may feel as though you know this person, and they get you. There can be a mix of physical attraction and [a sense of] compatibility."

According to Overstreet, chemistry can be pretty powerful. "It often has some intensity to it, which bonds you to this person, where you feel passion for them or an awakening. You're drawn to one another," she adds. "Science backs this. Dopamine (a chemical affiliated with pleasure) and oxytocin, the bonding hormone, come into play when we are attracted to and feeling chemistry with someone, further pulling us closer to this person. And it often occurs during the honeymoon stage (early phases) of a relationship."

Signs of Romantic Chemistry Between People

Wondering if you and that special someone have romantic chemistry? These seven traits tend to be signs that you've found a good match.

You Have Mutual Interests

Think about how you feel when someone can truly make you laugh. If you and your partner share humor and find one another interesting, you probably have mutual interest. "Humor goes a long way toward building connections," Campbell says. "This factor also leads to excitement about future interactions. When you are not in the person's presence, you are thinking about and looking forward to seeing them again." Building that desire of wanting to see and spend time with a person again is certainly a helpful base to forming a relationship.

You Can Talk About Anything

Reciprocal candor refers to when you can just talk to someone so easily about any topic. It means you have easy communication, a sense of trust, and feel understood in the relationship. "When this is present, people feel as though they can say anything to one another and not be judged," Campbell says. Especially looking toward the future of a relationship, this may be an incredibly important trait.

You're Emotionally Responsive and In-Tune

Responsiveness is a direct reflection of attentiveness, both of which are important in building a positive rapport. These traits contribute to an enticing flow to communication and support the building of a shared connection. These attributes can also impact connection outside of communication, like increasing feelings of emotional awareness and support which lead to the perception of both security and care.

You're Both Personable

Personableness refers to a person's demeanor. Chemistry can grow if both people are genuine, down-to-earth, caring, and kind. "Personableness, or the expression of warmth, kindness, consideration, and understanding, is shown to elicit interpersonal attraction for both genders across relationship types," explains Campbell and others in a study published in the Social Science Journal.

You Feel Intimacy

When it comes to intimacy, it doesn't necessarily refer to physical attraction. Intimacy in romantic chemistry is a blend of reciprocal candor and personableness. "When intimacy is present, people feel like they can talk to one another about anything, that they can trust their partner, and that their partner is a sincere and down-to-earth person," Campbell says. It's an intimate, trusting connection you feel with nobody else.

You Share Similar Core Values

Not to be confused with physical similarity, this trait refers to "matching each other on core attributes, such as values, morals, beliefs, and life goals," explains Campbell. "These similarities are relatively stable and reflect who the person really is. People who are mismatched on values likely won't last long in a relationship together because these attributes are unlikely to change and dictate how people live their lives."

You Feel Physical Attraction

Last, but certainly not least, physical attraction refers to perceiving one another as sexually desirable. "This characteristic is interestingly found to impact even friendship chemistry possibly because subconsciously, people are assessing the extent to which this person will help attract prospective mates," explains Campbell. "Friends facilitate romantic pairing (many people meet their spouse through friends) and so having attractive friends can also enhance the attractiveness of prospective romantic partners."

Do you and your partner or the person you've been thinking of share these seven traits? If so, it's a good sign that sparks could fly between the two of you. If not, you don't necessarily have to fret: As they say, opposites attract, so there's still the possibility of finding love here.

How to Tell If Two People Have Romantic Chemistry on a Dating App

Ultimately, romantic chemistry is best understood in-person—it's a little tougher to determine virtually on a dating app, notes Overstreet. "Some signs might be similar to what you experience in real life, such as easy flowing conversation, a desire to spend time with one another, being intellectually stimulated by them, and feeling excitement about the next interaction with them," she says. "If the chemistry is there, the relationship should naturally move towards more real-life interactions, like FaceTime, in-person dates, etc."

Her best advice to anyone trying to feel a person out on the apps? "Road-test what you are feeling via the dating app by spending time with one another," she says. "When you're in person, you can understand tonality, see body language, and how the person shows up more holistically, which will give you a more well-rounded view."

Signs There Isn't Chemistry Between People

When there is chemistry between people, you know it—and the same is true if you don't have chemistry with a potential partner. It'll be pretty clear if sparks aren't flying. "You won't feel drawn to them," affirms Overstreet, noting that you will also probably feel awkward in their presence. "The pull is the opposite of what you feel when you like someone. The conversations and interactions may feel awkward. You may try to connect and disarm the person using different communication tactics, but they just fall flat."

Here are a few key signs that you don't have chemistry with someone, per Overstreet:

• You feel awkward when you're together.
• Your conversations always lead to dead-ends, despite your best efforts.
• You get a sense that the person isn't engaged in what you're saying (and vice versa).
• You have widely different interests or core values.
• Time drags when you're around them.
• You feel drained versus energized after parting ways.
• You can't feel any sense of an emotional connection.
  

Can You Create Chemistry Between People?

So you don't feel an instant connection, but you like what you see and think there could be potential if you could just feel that spark. If this sounds familiar, you're probably wondering if chemistry can be created between people—or if it's something you either have or don't. "Tricky question. We do desire that instant chemistry, and sometimes it's just there. But sometimes, it isn't. My caveat is that just because you don't feel chemistry for someone initially doesn't mean it can't be developed or curated over time," says Overstreet. "A wise saying was once shared with me: 'Sometimes we can't stand someone because we don't understand them.'" She points to friendships, which might form even between the unlikeliest of people, surprising you both along the way. The same is true for chemistry in a relationship, which ultimately should have that bedrock of friendship; it might be discovered or cultivated over time.

On the other hand, chemistry "can be a red flag in relationships, too," says Overstreet. "Sometimes, some people have an incredible amount of chemistry in the early phases of the relationship. Over time, as the relationship develops, true personality traits [are revealed.] Allow time and space to see the person in all seasons, in times of happiness, stress, vulnerability, etc. It allows you to see the complete picture of how they show up in the relationship—and how the chemistry of the relationship is impacted, regardless of where the person is emotionally."

Is Romantic Chemistry a Sign of a Strong Relationship?

It's one element of a healthy relationship, says Overstreet—but you can't base an entire partnership off of romantic chemistry. "If you reflect back, there is likely someone in your past with whom you had strong chemistry, but you realized that you weren't on the same page about life, your aspirations, or your core values," she explains. "Even though you may have stuck it out because of the chemistry, when those other areas came to a head, you may have had to take a step back or end the relationship. While chemistry is important, it shouldn't be your only indicator for evaluating if the relationship is right for you."

As for the indicators that are more important? Consider whether you share common goals and values, if you feel comfortable discussing sensitive topics, and how you both navigate conflict resolution, says Overstreet. "These things are what will impact the longevity of your relationship and add to or detract from the chemistry [you feel now.] Looking at the whole picture of what you desire in your happily ever ever will give you a truer north star of whether or not you should pursue a relationship," she says.