There's this longstanding narrative that a proposal is dreamed up by one person in complete secrecy: The engagement ring is hidden in a sock drawer, a decoy story is put into motion by the proposer, and the person getting proposed to is truly shocked when their spouse-to-be gets down on one knee. But when it comes to a major life step, like marriage, the element of total surprise may not always be the wisest approach—especially if you aren't entirely sure what kind of proposal your partner wants (it can be hard to guess, even if you know them well!) or what diamond shape would make them happy (or if they even want a diamond at all).
Experts consistently emphasize the importance of open communication and collaboration in relationships, so it makes sense that the best proposals are somewhat shared. And since we pore over hundreds of couple's love stories each year, we actually believe many (if not most) duos are already doing just that, whether that's co-designing the ring or having candid conversations about the proposal itself in advance. It ultimately begs this question: Is the era of one-sided “surprise” proposals over? Is anyone truly shocked by that ring (or the question!) anymore or are they taking a joint approach from the start?
Meet the Expert
- Yolonda Smith is the owner and lead planner and designer of By Love Events, an event planning and design firm in Richmond and Hampton Roads, Virginia. She specializes in planning proposals and weddings.
- Wale Okerayi, LMHC, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in both New York and Texas. She specializes in both individual and relationship therapy, including premarital counseling.
- Kat McCoy, the founder of Proposal Prep and Best Kept by Kat McCoy, has been reimagining the engagement playbook since 2018. Her innovative approach is not just transforming engagements, but it's also setting new benchmarks for today’s generation of couples.
- Michelle Demaree is the founder of Miss Diamond Ring, an elite global jewelry concierge service that offers a personalized approach to an oversaturated industry. She is the go-to expert for gem sourcing of all kinds for all types occasions
Read on for the reasons why a co-created proposal is ultimately better and how to go about that pre-engagement communication with your partner, thanks to insights from the experts—who all advocate for thoughtful planning and shared decision-making.
Are Surprise Proposals Outdated?
Surprise proposals have been the norm for decades (if not centuries), so is it time for them to become a thing of the past? Below, we explore the history of engagements before revealing a proposal planner's take on surprise proposals.
The Origin of the Surprise Proposal
In order to understand the trend in engagements today, we have to explore its history. Proposals date as far back as Ancient Rome, but instead of elaborate displays of affection (which are commonplace now), getting engaged was a formal way to arrange a marriage: a financial and legal transaction between families, devoid of any romance. Deciding to get married in a business deal-like exchange endured throughout the Middle Ages and the Renaissance.
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It wasn’t until the 1700s that individuals began to marry for reasons other than financial or legal ones, like love and connection. Then, in the 1800s, men in industrialized societies borrowed the Middle Age practice of getting down on one knee when they proposed, which signified the promise of protecting and serving the woman. Due to the patriarchy, the man was the one who decided he wanted to marry a woman, meaning she was often “surprised” when a man asked to take her hand in marriage.
As for the diamond connection? In 1948, De Beers Diamond Jewelry introduced an ad campaign, “A diamond is forever,” which set the precedent that diamond rings were a standard part of any proposal.
The Shift Toward Collaborative Proposals
In the years following the diamond campaign, proposals were still primarily a natural next step for couples who were dating, meaning engagements maintained that element of mystery for the woman. Once women were viewed as equals to men, some couples started discussing marriage before their engagement. Now, most couples have that conversation in advance. According to a study that bespoke jeweler Taylor & Hart conducted, only five percent of duos said the proposal was a complete surprise for them. The other 95 percent talked about marriage in various levels of detail prior to the question being popped.
The nature of engagement ring shopping also contributed to the secrecy of proposals. Until a decade ago, selecting the bauble was primarily a solo venture. That all started to change when the internet and social media gave people instant access to trends and choices, so the one being proposed to had a better idea of what style they wanted. Plus, couples recognized that these accessories were an investment, so they started relying less on other people’s recommendations and went straight to the source, instead. Now, research suggests that 62 percent of couples pick out an engagement ring together.
What the Experts Think
Many experts agree that planning a collaborative proposal is a smart decision. Since tying the knot is a huge life change and a big commitment, it’s important that both partners are on the same page about their future. And because the engagement ring is something that individuals will wear every day for the rest of their lives, many are picking out the perfect option as a team. “I find that couples are talking about this moment and the experience they’d love to have in detail,” proposal planner Yolonda Smith of By Love Events shares.
However, while being completely caught off guard by the question isn’t the norm anymore, Smith says there are still elements of a proposal that one partner often keeps a secret, like the time and place.
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Why It's Important to Discuss Marriage Before the Proposal
You rarely see someone saying “no” to a marriage proposal—and that's because it’s incredibly important to discuss marriage and a potential proposal with your partner before taking the next step. As a married couple, you’re expected to consult with each other before big decisions and work as a team, so shouldn’t this start before you get married? “This will help to start conversations surrounding how you both want to blend your lives together,” says Wale Okerayi, LMHC LPC, a licensed mental health counselor. “Things, like finances, family, homes, and division of labor, are all important to discuss prior to proposals and marriage so that you are both on the same page.”
Nowadays, these conversations are happening more organically—and more and more couples are talking about what they want out of marriage in general. “It’s now very rare that someone will propose without having at least some sort of conversation with their partner about things, like timing of the proposal and the style of the ring,” affirms Kat McCoy, the founder of Proposal Prep and Best Kept by Kat McCoy. “Part of this is because couples are dating longer before getting engaged, and it’s common that they may already be living together. In many cases, you’re already building your lives together and sharing expenses, so it feels very natural for both parties to discuss.”
How to Make Your Proposal More Collaborative
The best way to co-create your proposal is to be honest about the things you feel strongly about—and the things you'd rather avoid. “This provides general parameters to play within that still allow for plenty of mystery and romance," McCoy explains.
Discuss Priority Pre-Proposal Traditions
Do you want your future spouse to ask your parents for permission to marry you? Are your parents expecting that conversation to happen—and will they be upset if it doesn't? Is there an heirloom diamond in the family that's been set aside for you? If there are any pre-proposal parameters or traditions that you want your partner to know about, it's important to have a candid conversation to ensure this moment meets your (and potentially your family's) expectations.
If you need more guidance, services like Proposal Prep Box can come in handy. The box has a custom card game that helps couples discuss topics that can be challenging to bring up in regular conversation—and poses questions you may not have thought of on your own. Examples include, “True or false: It’s important you speak to my family before proposing” and “Do you want a photographer at the proposal?”
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Talk About Private Versus Public Proposals
“While a proposal rarely comes completely out of the blue, there is a wide spectrum of surprise and mystery that a couple wants,” McCoy notes. And for many, that nuance involves where the proposal takes place. For some partners, a public proposal in a restaurant or in front of family at Christmas is more nightmare than dream come true. “If your partner is more introverted, it may be best to plan for a private proposal," Okerayi recommends.
Co-creating your proposal ultimately eliminates the unfortunate possibility that you won't love it. “If you would prefer it to just be the two of you, you can plan that special night together instead of maybe your partner planning for something more public that would end up leading to discomfort," Okerayi continues. "Planning it out together can make the proposal seamless and special in the way that matters to the both of you.”
Not sure how to bring up the public or private proposal conversation? Playfully ask your partner what type of proposal would make them feel loved and special or turn to friends and family for help. “It's also important to highlight to your partner that you are in no way rushing them or expecting the exact same proposal, but that you just want to talk about what would feel good for you," Okerayi mentions.
Make Your Engagement Ring Preferences Known
Finding or designing an engagement ring together is one of the most obvious benefits to co-creating your proposal. “It can be a big advantage to have input from the person who will be wearing it every day for many many years to come," McCoy points out. Since jewelry is so personal—and the same style can look completely different on two people's hands—it's "always a good idea to discuss any expectations or things you really feel strongly about" before purchases are made, McCoy adds.
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Today’s generation of couples are taking this approach more often than not. “For the past decade, I have seen an increasing trend of couples engagement ring shopping together," says Michelle Demaree, the founder of Miss Diamond Ring. "Around 85 percent of my couples are on the first consultation call together, excited to discuss the dream ring in detail. It is usually clear to me that they have had conversations surrounding ring style preferences, desired carat weight, and budget prior to our conversation."
This is, however, a relatively new practice: “When I sold rings over a decade ago, it was more common to see men choosing rings that were a total surprise to their partner," Demaree remarks. “Now, only around 15 percent of my clients are ‘solo ring shopping’ for their mate, and 100 percent of the time, they have pictures of the ring that their fiancée-to-be has given to them—so essentially they too have already had the conversation in advance.”
Not sure how to discuss your future engagement ring with your partner? The most powerful and positive way to communicate your wishes is to say this, per Demaree: “My dream ring would be ___—but honestly, I’m just so excited to marry you.”
It's more efficient to explain ring preferences via imagery. “Try saving a folder in your phone with images of your ideal ring that showcase the shape, style, and setting you prefer," Demaree advises.
Communicate About General Timing
It's just as important to get on the same page about when the proposal will take place. Is this something you're envisioning happening in the next few months, potentially during the holiday season? Your partner might have a year-long timeline based on budgeting for the ring, so getting on the same page will help you plan for the future as a couple (and prevent any hurt or assumptions regarding delays). “I recommend discussing the general timing of the proposal," McCoy states. "Say, it’ll happen before the end of year, but don’t go into much more detail than that."