The 12 Biggest Red Flags to Watch for in a Partner

The term "red flags" comes from the literal red flags that once warned of physical danger; now, "red flags" generally warn of potentially toxic relationship behaviors. Relationship red flags can be just as dangerous as physical threats, which is why it's so important to trust your gut if you notice any in a current or potential partner. While we each have our own red flags—being rude to the waitstaff, forgetting a birthday—some behaviors offer a universal heads-up that your relationship may be headed for rocky waters.

So, what are the most common red flags to look out for in a partner? Here, relationship experts share 12 signs and behaviors that you should be especially mindful of.

What Are Relationship Red Flags?

“Red flags are warning signs in relationships of behaviors or patterns that can grow to bigger or more harmful issues,” says mental health counselor Wale Okerayi, LMHC, LPC. You might spot these from the beginning, or they might present as you get to know a new partner. “Red flags can be found at any time in a relationship,” says Okerayi. “The longer you're with someone, the more comfortable you get, leading to showing all parts of yourself—including the behaviors surrounding red flags.”

While some red flag behaviors should be considered dealbreakers—like constant criticism, controlling behavior, extreme jealousy, or lack of trust—others might indicate an issue that you and your partner can address with a therapist. “Intention, effort, and desire are good indicators that a red flag can be worked on,” says Okerayi. “Without those things, it may not be possible.”

12 Common Relationship Red Flags to Look Out For

Ultimately, anything that feels like a red flag to you is something to be mindful of. If there are things you can't stand in a relationship, a partner who exhibits these might not be the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. That being said, there are other, more universal, red flags that you should be aware of, which our experts outline below.

Invasions of Privacy 

An overly controlling partner might invade your privacy by insisting on tracking your location, sharing your calendar, or skimming through your texts—but a partner who exhibits these behaviors in secret is throwing up an equally alarming red flag. “Privacy is an essential—it could be viewed as a human right,” says Christie Kim, LMHC, LPC. “An invasion of privacy—sneaking through your phone, reading your journal, looking through your belongings—is a red flag as it shows a lack of respect. If there are deeper trust issues, those should be communicated and addressed clearly between partners, not through indirect means, and especially without your knowledge.”

Stonewalling 

Effective communication is the foundation of a healthy long-term relationship, and an unwillingness to respond or collaborate during important—but potentially difficult—conversations is an eye-opening red flag. “This behavior can be intentional or unintentional, and is often seen in individuals who struggle with conflict or commitment,” says Hope Kelaher, LCSW. “This is a leading cause of why people come into couple's therapy: The notion that one partner cannot get through to [the other] can cause an adverse cycle of interaction, leading to further withdrawal of the more avoidant partner.”

Criticism and Nitpicking

A daily barrage of insults followed by, “It’s just a joke!” or “I’m just teasing!” should set your alarm bells ringing, says Okerayi. “[When] your partner makes a lot of comments about body, appearance, or personality, and disguises them as jokes, it can lead to low self esteem or feeling like you're not good enough,” she says. “If you try to work through it and it isn't taken seriously, then it's a dealbreaker.”

Saying One Thing and Doing Another

Whether your partner promises to walk the dog (and then doesn’t), volunteers to pick up dinner (and then forgets), or agrees to clean the bathroom (and takes a nap instead), this consistent “misalignment between words and actions” can indicate a problem. “If you often feel confused by someone's words not aligning with their actions—for example, wondering why someone doesn't follow through on something they've agreed to—your gut may be picking up on something important,” says Kim. “It could reflect pattern of people-pleasing (telling you what you want to hear even if it's not genuine for them), lack of value in their words (not meaning what they say), or difficulty being honest with themselves (believing they will in fact follow through on something but put no effort into doing so).”

In the long-term, this behavior will chip away at your ability to trust and rely on your partner, or, “which is often the case, you start overcompensating for them with nagging reminders or check-ins and lowering expectations,” says Kim. 

Limiting Access to Essential Needs 

We all need more than food, water, and shelter to thrive: “Essential needs include relationships with loved ones, access to one's own finances, and time for one's own hobbies and interests,” says Kim. Requests to limit your time with your friends and family, quit your volunteer commitments or your favorite fitness class, or control your money are  giant red flags. “It leads to isolation from your loved ones and instills fear in your relationship,” says Okerayi.

A worthy partner will not try to control your communication, your free time, or your relationships. “Someone who genuinely cares about your well-being would support you living a full and rich life, knowing that it'll also benefit the relationship,” says Kim. “If you're feeling a bit weird or confused about someone taking over your finances, suggesting you shouldn't work when you want to work, or repeatedly finding reasons to speak negatively of a friendship or hobby that brings you joy, take serious note of what might be happening between you—and what they might stand to gain from you having less.”

Chronic Money Problems 

While consistent debt or money problems might not seem like a big deal when you’re dating, it can indicate the potential for major conflict after marriage. “While we all know that life can get complicated and that each person in the partnership likely has a different relationship to money, a red flag is if one person overspends beyond their means and is chronically in debt,” says Kelaher. “A leading cause of divorce among married couples stems from fights about money problems. Once two people are tethered, one person's debt can become the other's, and helping another partner get out of serious debt can create additional financial strife and resentment.” She recommends working with a financial planner or a couples therapist to merge your finances honestly and successfully before getting engaged or moving in together. 

Emotional Unavailability 

A partner who is emotionally unavailable might exhibit signs you’d mistake for a different issue, says Kelaher: conflict avoidance, workaholism, a concentration on activities and hobbies outside your relationship. “Emotional unavailability is best defined as the inability to be present and open with one's emotions to form and sustain emotional bonds with others,” she says. “This often results  from childhood issues where attachment and bonding with the primary caregiver was interrupted, and, as a result, the person becomes fearful of close intimate relationships despite their desire to have one.” While this is an issue that can be mitigated with therapy, many emotionally unavailable partners don’t realize anything is wrong. “These people often do not come into therapy to address this themselves, and as a result, treatment can take years,” says Kelaher.

Difficulty Owning Their Behavior

Your partner might be successful at work, respected in the community, and adored by their family, but that doesn’t mean they are able to take responsibility for their own behavior. “Someone who continuously blames others for their actions, decisions, or misfortunes may struggle to take accountability for themselves in a way that could be detrimental to their relationships,” says Kim. “This person may subconsciously use manipulative tools like gaslighting, or on a less obvious level, they may generally take on a more passive view of their life—for example, blaming their coworkers for making them work late rather than recognizing they may struggle to set boundaries at work.” Over time, these patterns can affect their personal relationships, too, as they refuse to take ownership of their unhealthy behaviors, resist apologizing, or show “little interest in self-reflection or personal growth,” says Kim. 

Refusal to Change

The behaviors your partner exhibits have been formed by a lifetime of relational interactions—some positive, some not. “We all bring our own unique set of experiences, patterns and beliefs into a relationship, which can both align and clash with the set of our partners,” says Kim. “Relationships can present opportunities to see ourselves from new points of view, and even unearth deeper work we might need to address in order to move forward in healthy relationships.” 

Addressing unhealthy behaviors and deeply ingrained patterns isn’t easy, but if your partner shows no willingness to look deeper, you should take that as a warning. “If they're not interested in exploring how their own insecurities may be influencing their emotions, thoughts and relational patterns as a result, it may pose a significant obstacle in the relationship that makes it difficult to really build trust or move forward together,” says Kim. 

Unpredictable Emotions

Another communication red flag is a partner’s inability to control their emotions, as they swing back and forth from sweet and caring to cold and mean. “Going from loving to the silent treatment with no warning or explanation causes uncertainty in the relationship, leading to trust issues,” says Okerayi. 

Extreme Jealousy

A partner’s inability to trust you—or desire to control you—can go hand-in-hand with toxic levels of jealousy. You might recognize it in frequent accusations that you’re being unfaithful, outbursts of anger triggered by communication with your friends or family members, or a constant need to check-in on you. “It can make one feel surveilled and suffocated in the relationship,” Okerayi. “Dealbreaker.”