What Is Cheating? These Are the 5 Types of Infidelity

No one ever expects their partner to be unfaithful—but if you find yourself dealing with the ramifications of infidelity, it's only natural to want to know why your significant other chose to break your trust. And while no explanation can excuse your partner's actions and decision to cheat, understanding the different types of infidelity could help shed a little light on why it may have happened in the first place (which, in turn, could help alleviate some of the confusion you're feeling). It can also help you feel more confident in how to move forward with your partner—whether that means working on mending your relationship or moving on should you decide to split up.

So to help you navigate this difficult scenario, we put together a simple guide on the five types of infidelity, including tips on what to do if you find yourself the victim of cheating. Before diving in, however, always remember this one important fact: Never blame yourself for your partner's choice to stray; the choice to be unfaithful was theirs and theirs alone. It's also essential to recognize that each case of infidelity is different and fulfills a different need, so keep in mind that the below explanations may not apply to your own relationship.

What Is Cheating?

Infidelity, or cheating, is the act of being unfaithful to a spouse or other committed partner. "Cheating or infidelity is when one partner in a monogamous, committed romantic relationship engages in emotional or sexual relations with someone else outside the relationship," Dr. Tara, a Los Angeles-based sexologist, further explains. "It involves secrecy and betrayal, and often has negative consequences for one or all parties."

She goes on to share: "There are many types of cheating such as emotional, sexual, or even cyber cheating. Emotional cheating is when one partner is emotionally invested in someone else outside the relationship. Sexual cheating is when one partner has sex or engages in sexual activities with someone outside the relationship. Cyber infidelity is when a partner engages in flirtatious online interactions with someone else outside their relationship."

Signs That Indicate Your Partner Is Cheating

According to Dr. Tara, here are six signs that indicate your partner might be engaged in unfaithful behavior.

• They've become extremely secretive.
• Their communication has significantly changed.
• They get upset when you ask simple questions about their whereabouts.
• They suddenly change their grooming habits, or "become very attentive in grooming and dressing up," explains Dr. Tara.
• They don't care, or are indifferent, about what you're doing. ("That's because they're having fun with someone else," Dr. Tara notes.)
• They mix up their answers about what they did during a specific time.

The Five Types of Indifideitly

There are five different types of infidelity: opportunistic, obligatory, romantic, conflicted romantic, and commemorative. Here, we break down each one and what it might mean for your relationship moving forward.

Opportunistic Infidelity

Opportunistic infidelity occurs when a person is in love and attached to their partner, but succumbs to their sexual desire for someone else. Typically, this type of cheating is driven by situational circumstances or opportunity, risk-taking behavior, and alcohol or drug use. As social psychologist Theresa E. DiDonato says, "Not every act of infidelity is premeditated and driven by dissatisfaction with a current relationship. Maybe they were drinking or in some other way thrown into an opportunity they didn't anticipate." While this is certainly not an excuse for the behavior, it can help you understand why it happened.

Obligatory Infidelity

This type of infidelity is based on the fear that resisting someone's sexual advances will result in rejection. People may have feelings of sexual desire, love, and attachment for a partner, but still end up cheating because they have a strong need for approval. It's their need for acceptance that causes them to act in ways that are at odds with their other feelings. In other words, some people cheat not because they want to cheat, but because they need the approval that comes along with having the attention of others.

Romantic Infidelity

"Sometimes (but not always) a deficit in an existing relationship leads people to have extradyadic affairs," says DiDonato. This type of infidelity occurs when the cheater has little emotional attachment to their partner. They may be committed to their relationship and making it work, but they long for an intimate, loving connection with someone else. More than likely, if married, their commitment to the marriage will prevent them from ever leaving their spouse, but their desire to cheat will continue until they deeply sort out their issues with their partner.

Conflicted Romantic Infidelity

This type of infidelity occurs when people experience genuine love and sexual desire for more than one person at a time. Despite our idealistic notions of having only one true love, it is possible to experience intense romantic love for multiple people at the same time. While such situations are emotionally possible, they are very complicated and tend to create a lot of anxiety and stress. In this case, cheating partners, in their attempt not to cause anyone harm, often end up hurting everyone.

Commemorative Infidelity

This type of infidelity occurs when a person is in a committed relationship but has no feelings for their partner. There is no sexual desire, love, or attachment, only a sense of obligation keeping the couple together. "Lacking love and lacking commitment to a current romantic partner are both tied to general feelings of relationship dissatisfaction," says DiDonato.

These people justify cheating by telling themselves they have the right to look for what they are not getting in their present relationship. Unfulfilled sexual desires can easily come into play here. "Maybe in their established relationship, individuals aren't engaging in the frequency of sex, style of sex, or specific sexual behaviors that they want," DiDonato adds. "This can contribute to their reasons to cheat."

What to Do After Your Partner Has Cheated

If you've confirmed that your partner is cheating on you, Dr. Tara recommends taking some time to process your feelings. "Some people take this time to cry it out, scream about it, and maybe talk to a trusted friend or therapist." Then, if you feel safe confronting your partner, "have a sit-down conversation with them as calmly as you're able to," Dr. Tara advises. "This conversation can start with honesty from your side of how you found out and what you know now. Communicate that you want to hear from their side, their point of view. Why did they do it?"

She adds, "Finally, decide for yourselves if you want to continue the relationship, take a break, or end it. You should see a couple's counselor together if you've decided to continue the relationship." At the end of the day, marriages and relationships can survive infidelity, but whether or not yours survives will depend on what type of infidelity took place and how much work you're both willing to put in.