Signs and Causes of Emotional Neglect in a Marriage—Plus, Tips to Help You Cope

We’re all familiar with the idea of happily ever after, but the truth is that this rarely comes without a few bumps in the road. Marriages are filled with plenty of ups and downs, and there are days when everyone wants to tune out and wait for the storm to pass—it's a normal feeling that most married duos feel now and then. However, when that type of coping mechanism carries into weeks and months, this could be a signal that something much bigger and more damaging is going on, like emotional neglect in a marriage. 

According to associate marriage and family therapist Sarah O’Leary, "emotional neglect is when someone’s attachment and/or emotional needs are disregarded," she notes. "Unsurprisingly, it pushes couples apart. You can’t feel emotionally safe or secure in a relationship with emotional neglect. It can also really negatively affect your own personal well-being—both mentally and physically."

The interesting aspect of emotional neglect is that the victim may only have a vague sense that something is amiss. Without tangible evidence or written proof, they’ll likely find it hard to quantify or express what the issue is. In the end, many people tend to stay in relationships that aren’t working because there is no smoking gun, even as the relationship is crumbling around them. 

Ahead, we asked relationship and mental health experts to take a deep dive into the topic of emotional neglect. We discuss common signs to be on the lookout for and share a few tips for coping with emotional neglect in your marriage. 

What Is Emotional Neglect in a Marriage?

Emotional neglect occurs when a spouse fails on a regular basis to attend to or respond to their partner's emotional needs. This is marked by a distinct lack of action by one person towards the feelings of the other, including an absence of awareness, consideration, or response to a spouse's emotional wellbeing.

This level of neglect often goes beyond the emotional, too. "One partner intentionally withholds their true self physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually either because they are incapable of emotional availability, having never developed that skill, or they are intentionally denying their partner an intimate space to express their emotional needs," says Dr. Sherrie Sims Allen, a psychologist, relationship strategist, dating coach. "That emotional neglect starts to erode the connection between the couple." This leaves one spouse feeling useless and unwanted by their partner.

Common Examples and Signs of Emotional Neglect in a Marriage

While it may be difficult to identify emotional neglect, there are some telltale signs that could help you recognize it in your marriage. O’Leary notes the many ways this behavior can play out in a marriage, including invalidating your partner, ignoring your partner or their bids for connection, or disregarding the vulnerabilities they share or boundaries they assert. Some common signs of emotional neglect are:

• You feel like you’re alone in your relationship.
• You prefer to spend time alone versus time with your partner.
• Your partner shuts down when you want to talk.
• You’re not sure what your partner wants from you.
• You don’t engage in social activities as a couple.
• Your go-to person is a friend, not your partner.
• You consistently ignore or suppress your feelings.
• You don’t feel comfortable around your family and friends.
• You procrastinate on long-term decisions and are hesitant to move forward with things like having kids or buying a home.
• There’s a lack of physical intimacy.
• You don’t feel like you can be yourself with your partner.
• You don’t trust your partner.
• You feel like you lead parallel lives, despite living under the same roof.
• Your partner doesn't read or acknowledge your non-verbal cues of distress.
• Your partner actively avoids things that bring you joy or refuses to experience them with you.
• You're expected to make room for your partner's emotions, but he or she refuses to make space for your own.
• Your partner regularly stonewalls you.

Common Causes of Emotional Neglect in a Marriage

The specific causes of emotional neglect may vary from one relationship to the next, but the overarching theme is a shift or transfer in the support one partner gives to the other. This could look like one partner throwing themselves into a new job or a new mom shifting her focus to her baby. And, of course, in some cases, emotional neglect in a marriage might be the result of an extramarital affair.

O’Leary also notes that the cause of emotional neglect could run deeper. "Emotional neglect often stems from an individual’s own attachment injuries. If someone never learned how to have a supportive, healthy relationship in childhood or adolescence, they will struggle to make that change in adulthood." That being said, these behaviors don't mean it won't be possible to find a path forward. "Struggle does not mean unable; however, it will take work, but the way you interact with others and within your relationships is malleable," she adds.

How to Cope With Emotional Neglect

Like most issues, complaining about the problem or staying silent won’t fix anything; for committed couples, the key to getting past this situation is working together. Ahead we discuss some tips on how to handle emotional neglect in a marriage. 

Don’t Be a Victim 

While your partner’s behavior may be hurtful, it’s important that you don’t play the victim card. Doing so can be counterproductive; you’ll likely be more accusatory and fall back on the blame game to no avail. The fact is, if you spend most of your time and energy telling your partner what they did wrong or how they hurt you, that could put them on the defensive and cause them to distance themselves further. 

While it’s important to talk to your partner and let them know how you feel, it’s equally important that you don’t rehash the same things over and over again. Perhaps the initial conversation should focus on your hurt feelings, but once you get it out, subsequent discussions should be focused on how to fix the problem and move on to a healthier dynamic in your relationship. 

Examine Any Underlying Causes for the Behavior

Just like any problem you tackle in life, it’s important to spend some time thinking about what sparked the issue, or in this case, the behavior, in the first place. Ask yourself the following questions: 

• Was your relationship always like this or did it deteriorate over time?
• Does it feel like your partner’s attitude changed from one day to the next?
• Is there a situation or event that precipitated their change in behavior?

If your partner’s emotionally neglectful behavior has always been a part of your relationship, this might be a far bigger issue than you realize. However, if you can trace this change in behavior back to a specific event, or you can say with some certainty that your partner is just going through a rough patch, that could make all the difference in how this all plays out. If being emotionally unavailable is just how they operate, changing their behavior will be substantially more difficult, if it’s possible at all. However, if this behavior is situational, your chances of mending the relationship are likely far greater. 

Be Proactive 

With any relationship, it takes two to tango, and while the source of neglect might be coming from your partner, it’s probably not a good idea to just sit back and wait it out. Remember that sometimes people don’t recognize their own behavior. So, if your partner doesn’t realize that they are being neglectful or hurting you, you’ll likely never see a change because they don’t even know that something is wrong. 

Talk About It Constructively 

As difficult as it might be, it’s important that you and your partner invest the time to sit down and talk about your relationship. Be sure to pick a time where upcoming commitments don’t put your eyes on the clock, and perhaps most importantly, try to do it when you have the emotional bandwidth to deal with the fallout. Trying to have a productive conversation when you’re tired, hungry, stressed, or over-scheduled will never be fruitful. "It is important to start with setting aside time to talk so that your time together is uninterrupted," affirms Dr. Allen. "The feedback you are about to give might trigger your partner, who needs to be open and available to listen to your feelings regarding the emotional neglect without getting defensive. Hopefully, setting aside time to dialogue will create an environment that fosters talking and problem solving."

As you detail your feelings about the emotional neglect you are experiencing in your marriage, point to concrete examples. "You want to share examples of what you mean when you say you feel emotionally neglected, since that term might need to be unpacked," says Dr. Allen. "Emotional neglect carries many meanings. You want to make sure you both are on the same page."

Additionally, it’s important that you ensure the tenor of the conversation is constructive. Angry words, hurling accusations, and pointing fingers are never helpful. If saving your relationship is the ultimate goal, you must approach the conversation from a place of love, understanding, and forgiveness. "Discuss from the heart what each of your needs are," says Dr. Allen. "Big emotions and feelings need to be validated with empathy and compassion."

Make Arrangements to Spend Quality Time Together 

While spending more time with an emotionally neglectful partner may seem counterintuitive, sometimes that could be precisely what the relationship needs. Getting some distance from the stress of everyday life, work, and other demands can give everyone a little room to breathe. In the absence of "the noise," you can spend much-needed time focusing on each other. Who knows—it might be just the thing you need to rekindle the spark. 

Be Patient 

Remember that issues that take months or years to play out cannot be resolved overnight. Correcting a pattern of emotional neglect is most certainly a labor of love if there ever was one. Getting your relationship back on track takes hard work, patience, and time. If you seek professional help, remember to put your best foot forward and trust the process.

How Therapy Can Help Emotional Neglect in a Marriage

Emotional neglect in marriage is an issue that can be incredibly difficult to fix on your own, but a good therapist can be infinitely helpful. A trained professional can facilitate constructive conversations, help you get some perspective, and give you both the space to express your feelings. Moreover, a therapist is an unbiased third party who can identify emotional neglect. Coming from a neutral entity, your partner might be more likely to "hear" it and make amends. 

Therapy Methods

Your therapist can talk with your spouse to begin to understand what is causing the neglect. Discussions can evaluate things that have changed in the relationship and with your spouse. Perhaps conflicts at work are part of the cause, or previous relationships are triggering flashbacks with your spouse. Therapy will explore these possible causes and examine how to move forward. Your therapist also will talk with you about how the neglect has hurt you and impacted your life. 

How to Find a Good Therapist

Finding a therapist to talk with can be stressful. You are in a vulnerable state and are sharing personal details with someone you don't know. If you have a friend or family member who has worked with a therapist, you can gain some insight if they will be a good fit. Otherwise, you should try to research possible therapists online, looking at their credentials and areas of expertise. When you find one you think would be compatible, give them a call and schedule an initial visit. 

How to Know Your Marriage Can't Be Saved Due to Emotional Neglect

If you have gone through therapy together and talked through all the underlying issues, and you are still feeling neglected emotionally, you may be at a point where the relationship can't be saved. After all, partners who want their relationships to work do the work. "When a couple is committed to their [marriage], they take the time to educate themselves on communication tools, look for practical ways to create new spaces for nurturing their relationship, and they hire a therapist or a relationship coach to teach them how to build connections to make sure their needs are met on all levels," says Dr. Allen. If that is not happening in your marriage—or if the appetite for change is lacking—the emotional neglect might be too intense to overcome.

While no one envisions their lifelong relationship ending, if you and your spouse are unhappy and unfulfilled together, you may both be better off separating. Your therapist or counselor can help you talk through this further and help you understand the next best steps.