The Enneagram Type You Should Date or Marry, Based on Your Own

We all know first comes love, then comes marriage—but, before romantic dates and “I dos” comes actually finding a partner you’re compatible with. Whether it’s an 'opposites attract' scenario or a case of ‘birds of a feather flock together,’ relationship compatibility is key to forming a vibrant and long-lasting partnership. While there are lots of ways to determine whether or not you and your (potential) significant other are a good fit, Enneagram compatibility has emerged as one of the most insightful ways to gauge the viability of a bond.

Like the Myers-Briggs personality types, the Enneagram system is a popular typology that delves into nine different personality types, each of which is characterized by distinct needs, strengths, motivations, fears, and patterns of behavior. But how can Enneagram compatibility help determine whether or not you’ve got a future with your crush? Couples psychologist and co-founder of Ally, Helga Johnsson Wennerdal, says it all comes down to understanding the core of what drives us and our partners, and how our personality types interact and play off each other. 

“An awareness of your partner's way of being can help you to initiate positive changes in a relationship, taking action through small, thoughtful acts of love suited to them,” Wennerdal explains. “Tools like the Enneagram can provide a framework for talking about each other's differences in personality. Gaining a better understanding of your partner’s personality, and your own, through tools like [the Enneagram] can help you to meet each other’s needs, empathize with one another, and understand your respective similarities and differences.”

Whether you’re wondering how the different Enneagram types interact and influence relationships, you’re trying to figure out which Enneagrams you’re most compatible with, or you simply want to gain insights into building healthy relationships, you’ve come to the right place. Read on for everything you need to know about Enneagram compatibility and discover which number combinations might make a perfect match. 

Understanding Enneagram Types

Before diving into Enneagram compatibility, you have to first know the different Enneagram types themselves. If you don’t know your type (or you want your partner to discover theirs), you can use this free assessment to determine your Enneagram.

Here’s a breakdown of the nine unique Enneagram types, along with which numbers they’re most compatible with. 

Type One: The Reformer

Principled, purposeful, and self-controlled, Type 1s are perfectionists who strive for integrity and correctness. They are motivated by a desire to live the right way, improve the world, and avoid fault and blame.

Most compatible with: 2, 5, 6, and 7

Type Two: The Helper

Warm, caring, and giving, Type 2s are motivated by a need to be loved and needed. They are empathetic, sincere, and altruistic, often putting others' needs above their own, but can struggle with acknowledging their own needs.

Most compatible with: 4, 7, 8, and 9

Type Three: The Achiever

Success-oriented, adaptable, and driven, Type 3s are motivated by a need to be validated and to achieve success. They are highly focused on their goals but can become overly concerned with their image and what others think of them.

Most compatible with: 6 and 9

Type Four: The Individualist

Sensitive, introspective, and expressive, Type 4s desire to be unique and authentic. They are emotionally honest and creative but can become moody and self-conscious, often feeling misunderstood.

Most compatible with: 2, 5, and 9

Type Five: The Investigator

Perceptive, innovative, and curious, Type 5s are motivated by a need to gain knowledge and understand the world around them. They are independent and innovative but can become isolated and detached from their emotions.

Most compatible with: 1 and 7

Type Six: The Loyalist

Responsible, trustworthy, and security-oriented, Type 6s are committed and hard-working. They seek security and support but can become anxious and suspicious, often struggling with indecision.

Most compatible with: 1, 3, and 9

Type Seven: The Enthusiast

Fun-loving, spontaneous, and versatile, Type 7s are motivated by a desire to be happy and plan enjoyable activities. They are optimistic and adventurous but can become distracted and scattered, avoiding dealing with deeper emotional issues.

Most compatible with: 1, 2, 5, and 9

Type Eight: The Challenger

Self-confident, strong, and assertive, Type 8s are protective and resourceful but can be domineering and confrontational. They are motivated by a need to be independent and resist showing vulnerability.

Most compatible with: 2 and 6

Type Nine: The Peacemaker

Easygoing, reassuring, and agreeable, Type 9s seek internal and external peace. They are supportive and accepting but can be complacent and minimize problems to avoid conflict.

Most compatible with: 2, 3, and 4

The Top Factors That Impact Enneagram Compatibility

Now that you have an idea of what drives each Enneagram, here’s what to keep in mind when comparing compatibility amongst the numbers.

Core Motives

It's not just about liking the same romantic movies or laughing at the same jokes. In the world of Enneagrams, the real click happens when core motives and fears align. Take Type 3 (The Achiever) and Type 6 (The Loyalist)—both are kind of like those kids in school who needed to know they were doing a good job. Type 3 craves success and applause, while Type 6 looks for safety and support. They get each other because, at the end of the day, they’re both asking, “Am I doing okay?”

Then there’s the Type 1 (The Reformer) and Type 5 (The Investigator) pair. These two might seem like an odd couple at first glance, but they’re both secretly scared of getting it wrong. Type 1 is all about getting things right, while Type 5 wants to understand everything. This shared fear of not being enough or not knowing enough creates a ‘we’re in this together’ vibe, making their connection deeper than just sharing hobbies or interests.

Communication Styles

Let's talk about talking. We all know the drill: sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it. That’s why Wennerdal notes that having similar communication styles—or at least understanding how each other communicates—is essential to forming (and maintaining!) a healthy relationship. While this concept might seem like a no-brainer, its importance becomes particularly evident in times of disagreement. Compatible Enneagrams often share a common approach to resolving conflicts, whether it’s openly discussing issues as they arise or giving each other space and time to process their feelings. 

Picture this: Type 2 (The Helper), the emotional cheerleader of the Enneagram world, has this nurturing talk down pat. Now, pair them with a Type 8 (The Challenger), who's all about keeping it real and direct. It's like a match made in communication heaven—one’s all heart, the other's all about the hard facts. Similarly, Type 5 (The Investigator), who might prefer time to process their thoughts, can find a comfortable match in Type 9 (The Peacemaker), who often values patience and space in communication. These duos aren’t just talking; they're really communicating, especially when dealing with conflicts.

Values, Goals, and Lifestyle Choices

When it comes to the Enneagram love game, it’s not just about how well you argue or understand each other’s fears—it’s also about vibing on the big stuff: values, goals, and how you live your life. You know, the kind of things that make or break the deal in the long run. It’s like choosing between a Netflix marathon and a mountain hike on a Saturday—if you're both on the same page, you're golden.

In the end, when Enneagram types share similar values and life goals, they’re not just dating—they’re building a life together, piece by piece. It's about more than just compatibility; it's about moving in the same direction, hand in hand, and creating a life that’s as exciting or as laid-back as they want it to be.

Popular Enneagram Type Combinations

In the intricate dance of Enneagram relationships, some pairings just naturally step to the same rhythm. But remember, not being on this list of popular combos doesn't spell doom for your relationship. It's all about mutual respect, understanding, and growth.

Here, we'll explore a few Enneagram pairings that uniquely complement and support each other, each bringing its own flavor to the relationship.

Type 1 and 2 (‘Reformer’ and ‘Supporter’)

Picture a Type 1 and 2 combo as the ultimate power couple in a rom-com, where one's fixing the world and the other's fixing hearts. 1s bring their A-game in integrity, while 2s are the cheerleaders everyone needs. 1s help 2s to not lose themselves in others, and 2s remind 1s that it's okay to take a break from saving the world. But, hello drama: 1s aiming for perfection might butt heads with 2s, who'd rather focus on people than perfection. Tension might brew when 1s think 2s are a bit too people-pleasing, distracting from the big goals. Growth alert: To be in a successful relationship, they must navigate the fine line between perfecting tasks and perfecting relationships.

Type 3 and 9 (‘Achiever’ and ‘Peacemaker’)

Now, enter the 3-9 duo. It’s like having a CEO paired with a Zen master. 3s are all about chasing trophies and getting that spotlight, while 9s are chilling in the back, keeping it real. 9s help 3s get in touch with their softer side, and 3s nudge 9s to grab some of that well-deserved limelight. But there's a catch: 3s, in their race to the top, might overwhelm laid-back 9s. And let’s not forget the challenge of getting a 3 to open up and a 9 to step up. This pair has to work on balancing drive with downtime and on learning that it’s okay to be both ambitious and chill.

Type 4 and 5 (‘Individualist’ and ‘Investigator’)

The 4-5 pairing? Think of it as the indie movie of relationships. 4s are all heart and art, diving deep into the feels, while 5s are the cool, collected brains, solving life’s mysteries. 4s bring color to 5s’ world, and 5s give 4s a safe space to anchor their emotional storms. But when 4s’ emotional waves meet 5s’ logic-island, things can get rocky. 4s might see 5s as a bit too detached, and 5s might find 4s’ intensity a bit overwhelming. Together, they’ve got to learn the art of emotional balance—how to keep it real and rational at the same time.

Type 7 and 9 (‘Enthusiast’ and ‘Peacemaker’)

Lastly, the 7-9 pair—think of them as the life of any party, but also the ones who'd happily skip it for a chill night in. 7s bring the fireworks, always ready for the next big adventure, while 9s are the comfy couch you can always sink into. 7s add spice to 9s’ peace, and 9s offer 7s a zen zone. But it's not all confetti and calm; 7s’ go-go-go might clash with 9s’ let’s-just-be. They have to learn to balance the gas and the brakes, embracing both the fast lanes and the scenic routes of life.

Tips for Building Healthy Relationships

Navigating the waters of love and partnership? Enneagrams can be your compass. But remember, they're guides, not rulebooks. Here's how you can strengthen your connection, no matter the Enneagram match-up.

Foster Healthy Relationships Using Enneagrams

Whether you and your partner have the same, complementary, or clashing Enneagrams, Wennerdal says it’s important to use personality frameworks as a starting point to understanding someone as opposed to viewing the results as the end-all-be-all of who they are. “It’s easy to oversimplify one another through categorization and to forget that people are far more complex than any personality test can account for,” Wennerdal explains. “Any sort of personality categorization should be taken with a pinch of salt. Avoid labeling or stereotyping your partner with this in mind, and instead treat discussions around personality types as a conversation starter to understand one another’s needs better more generally.”

Communicate Effectively

No matter your Enneagram number, zodiac sign, or Myers-Briggs, Wennerdal says striving to keep the lines of communication open and respectful is the key foundation for literally any bond. “Effective communication and understanding play crucial roles in nurturing healthy relationships. To achieve this, it's important to approach conversations with a positive mindset and avoid assuming that your partner has negative intentions, especially when there are disagreements,” she explains. “Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt can often help to create an atmosphere of trust and openness.”

To do this, you might try using “I” statements without placing blame. “For instance, instead of saying, ‘You never help with the housework’ or ‘I’m always making the effort for us,’ try a less confrontational (and more constructive) approach like, ‘It stresses me out when I'm solely responsible for planning holidays,’” Wennerdal suggests. The goal here is to have a constructive conversation without getting defensive or accusatory. (Oh, and for what it's worth, generalized statements such as “never” and “always” are typically not accurate, so try to avoid them!)

On the other end of good conversing is good listening, Wennerdal says, and making your partner feel heard is just as important. “Validation can be a powerful tool for building understanding and empathy with your partner,” she explains. “Taking the time to comprehend your partner's perspective and allowing them to express themselves fully before sharing your own opinions tells them how much you respect and acknowledge their opinions.”

Encouraging Personal Growth and Self-Awareness

If Wennerdal could offer one key piece of advice to couples for lasting relationships, it would be to stay curious about each other and to encourage growth, awareness, and evolution. “Cultivating curiosity within a relationship sparks meaningful conversations, and it helps to foster a deeper connection with your partner,” she says. “Using the Enneagram system to identify outcomes and personality types might be a good way to get new conversations started and prompt new questions that could lead to discovering new aspects of one another.”

At the end of the day, your Enneagram type matters less than your willingness to inquire, foster, and support each other’s desires, motives, and goals. “By incorporating these strategies into your interactions," Wennerdal advises, "you can create a foundation for a relationship that thrives on understanding, personal growth, and self-awareness.”