Is It Rude to Congratulate a Couple on Their Marriage? Etiquette Expert Goes Viral for Saying Yes

If any of your friends or relatives have gotten married recently, chances are, you congratulated them—either in person on their wedding day or in the comments section of their Instagram post. While the message is a common and well-intentioned one, an etiquette expert on TikTok is claiming that this phrase is actually harmful and should thus be removed from our wedding vocabulary. In a two-part video on her social media account (each of which has garnered tens of thousands of views), the etiquette pro, Alison M. Cheperdak, explains her take on the word, “congratulations,” when it applies to weddings.

In her first clip, which she posted on October 11, 2024, Cheperdak says she’s attending a wedding this weekend, but she won’t be telling the bride and groom “congratulations.” Her reasoning? “Traditional etiquette used to suggest that you would say ‘congratulations’ to the groom, but not the bride, because to say ‘congratulations’ to the bride was to say that you are surprised that she found someone who wants to love her every day for the rest of her life,” she argues. Following this rule today, she claims, would be discriminatory. Instead, she opts for other messages that cater to both partners, such as “Best wishes,” “I’m so happy for you,” or “I’m excited for you two.”

In the second part of her explanatory video, the etiquette expert says another reason why she refrains from using this word is due to its implication that marriage is an achievement. “I think that to say, ‘congratulations,’ is sort of to suggest that work ethic alone will find you someone to love for the rest of your life, and I think that’s simply not true,” she claims.

The etiquette pro’s take on this popular phrase has TikTok divided. Some fully agreed with her stance. “Yes! Always taught this,” one user exclaimed. “I always say ‘best wishes!’” Many others revealed they were raised to follow this same etiquette rule. “I was always taught to say ‘best wishes’ to the bride and ‘congratulations’ to the groom,” another commented.

On the other side of the argument, many TikTok account holders discredited her thoughts on using the congratulatory message in regards to a couple's wedding. “I never in a million years would make the association that congratulations means I didn’t think you’d do it… congratulations that you are moving on to the next step of your relationship like???” one person questioned. Others noted that because congratulating a couple is customary, not saying it may have ramifications. “Respectfully if someone didn’t [acknowledge] an important moment for me such as an engagement or wedding I would be resentful,” another said. Some even joked about the mentioned association. ”Getting married is a major decision,” a TikTok user admitted. “And finding a good parter [requires] work ethic tbh.”