How to Get Over Your Fear of Falling in Love

Falling in love can be exciting and thrilling, but for some people, it can be absolutely scary. After all, trusting someone with your heart is no simple task. What if it gets broken? But if your fear of falling in love is inhibiting your ability to be in a long-lasting relationship, you may need to address a few deeper fears surrounding vulnerability, abandonment, and failure. In some extreme cases, assessing whether or not you have philophobia— immense anxiety in relation to thoughts of falling in love and maintaining it—might be required

Regardless of the extent of your fear, it doesn't have to be permanent: There are several ways to get past your worry and allow yourself to experience joy with someone you care about. The first step you'll need to take? Learning your triggers and what keeps you scared of opening your heart. Do you fear relationships because of issues with your identity? Are you worried your partner won't love you back? Does the thought of being heartbroken shake you to your core?

Ultimately, there is no simple solution—or answer—for why someone might be scared to fall in love, as our relationships with love are often unique to ourselves. However, there are a few ways to approach these feelings, understand them, and work towards building a healthier mindset. That's why we spoke with several relationship experts to get their insights about such fears. Read on to learn how to stop being scared of falling in love—and how to move forward with your best life.

What Is Philophobia?

Philophobia is the extreme fear of falling in love, developing an emotional connection, and maintaining that connection over time. It can be a form of attachment disorder that may result in social isolation, substance abuse, or depression.

Symptoms That Indicate You May Have Philophobia

Realizing you have philophobia isn't as straightforward as diagnosing yourself with a simple cold—and it can manifest in people in a variety of ways. But if any of the below symptoms seem to pop up when you think about falling in love, it may be beneficial to speak with a mental health professional to break past your fears.

• Immense anxiety
• Chest pains
• Difficult breathing
• Panic
• Dizziness
• Nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea
• Extreme feelings of dread or terror
• Copious sweating
• Increased heart rate and rapid breathing
• The inability to have intimate relationships
• Feeling afraid of your partner's emotions
• Extreme feelings of dread or terror
• Pushing people away when they get close
• Ending relationships abruptly

Reasons You're Scared of Falling in Love

Whether you've been burned before or feel certain pressures from your family, there are several reasons why you might be afraid to fall in love.

Past Trauma

Most phobias, including philophobia, are really just defense mechanisms the brain puts in place to avoid pain—pain being the true fear. Previous traumatic experiences set the tone for these mechanisms, and in the case of the fear of love or emotional connection, these experiences are usually based in attachment. If feelings of painful abandonment were present in the formative years (or later on in life), an aversion to closeness with others could result in adulthood for fear of revisiting that hurt.

Limiting Beliefs

A person's openness to relationships with others actually begins with their relationship with themselves, or, more accurately, how they perceive themselves. If someone has internalized limiting beliefs of self-worth or thinks they are not "enough," they may consider themselves unworthy of receiving love and predict painful rejection. Similarly, they may perceive themselves as unable to provide love or affection and fear causing someone else pain.

Cultural Expectations

Prescriptive cultural norms and standards around relationships and marriage can be the cause of great anxiety, especially for those that don't conform to those expectations. Strict guidelines for when to start relationships, how to conduct oneself within a relationship, and who to start a relationship with as well as stigmas attached to those who deviate from the norm can affect one's openness to entering relationships at all.

How to Overcome Your Fear of Love

Yes, falling in love always comes with a risk—and it's natural to feel afraid. But if you want to build a lasting partnership, it's important to find healthy ways to move beyond this fear. "Falling in love and risking heartbreak is not easy, especially when you have had your heart broken in the past," says Dr. Sherri Allen, a depth psychologist and relationship coach. "But risk you must—keep an open heart to attract or meet a potential love connection."

Be Honest With Yourself About Why You're Afraid

First, see if you can identify the root of your fears. Ask yourself why you're afraid of falling in love. Be honest with your answers: This is about making your life better, so avoiding the tough parts can only hurt yourself. Thankfully, there's no one here to be vulnerable with but you, so don't be afraid to think deep. It's likely that you're not afraid of love itself but more so have internalized fears of loss or emotional pain. For instance, have you been hurt in the past and the thought of loving someone again feels scary? Do you tend to keep others at a distance? Are you worried about sharing your full self with another person?

"We tend to believe that the more we care, the more we can get hurt. The ways we were hurt in previous relationships, starting from childhood, have a strong influence on how we perceive the people we get close to," Firestone says, "as well as how we act in our romantic relationships." It's normal to protect ourselves, but it's more important to make sure we're protecting ourselves from the right people. If you're pushing away from everyone who shows an interest in you, there's a chance you could be missing out on a great experience. Try to pin down the specific reasons you're afraid of love and identify your reasons for feeling that way.

Feel Your Feelings

Once you're aware of what's causing your fears, allow yourself to experience those feelings to their fullest. You may have lingering doubts, but you'll be doing yourself a favor to better understand your emotions moving forward. It's okay to be worried about having your heart broken. You're not alone.

"Getting to know our fears of intimacy and how they inform our behavior is an important step to having a fulfilling, long-term relationship," Firestone says. There's always a risk involved when it comes to love; it's an inherent part of the process. If you're scared to let your guard down, think about your future (and what you want it to look like).

Remember that while there's no guarantee you'll be with one person forever, one person doesn't have to be your end-all-be-all: You're still worthy of love. If you reach a point one day when that relationship isn't working, you might be glad for it. Take it as an opportunity to meet someone who's an even better fit for you at that time in your life.

Pick a Worthy Partner

One understandable reason we're afraid of love is that we associate it exclusively with our past experiences. Your next partner isn't your ex (so don't expect them to treat you the same way). Take a closer look at people you like but are hesitant to let in. How do they treat you? Do you share the same values? Do you trust one another? Consider if you're both on the same page.

Put any nagging feelings of self-doubt aside, and look at the relationship as a whole. If you respect this person and think they might be a great fit for you, don't push them away just yet. You might just need more time to know you can trust them with your heart—so don't write them off from the beginning. "Despite our self-protective measures," says Ritter, "we still often end up desperately longing for that irresistible someone. It is absolutely terrifying but also exhilarating, vivid, and, from my perspective, the point of it all."

Know That It's Okay to Be Vulnerable

It can be difficult to be truly open and honest with another person. While you're getting over the lingering fear of being loved, take steps to confide in this person (and be a bit vulnerable). Emotional intimacy is essential to being close with those you care about. "None of us wants to lose our (imagined) authority over our emotions. Falling in love reminds us that 'reason'—the misguided foundation of self-help book advice aimed at restraining romantic love—is largely irrelevant to many aspects of our emotional lives," Ritter says.

If you're self-sufficient, you might feel like you don't need a partner's advice; you don't necessarily have to take it, but opening up can strengthen your relationship. Your partner should be your teammate and biggest advocate. Even if you're not used to relying on someone else, now's the time to start breaking down the barriers you've built up inside yourself.

Communicate Your Fear

If you meet someone you can see a future with, but feel hesitant because you're scared of falling in love, communicate that. "It’s important to share everything, since transparency and honesty lead to greater levels of intimacy," says Dr. Allen. "The way to create the next level of intimacy in a new relationship is with authenticity and emotional intelligence, where you create a safe space to share true expressions of both positive and negative feelings. Sharing your concerns is the best way to proceed when you are building trust."

It's particularly important to be truthful if you find yourself pushing someone you know you could really care about away—especially if you're hurting them. "By being honest, you're expressing your current limits, while giving the other person the option to stick it out with you or move forward," says Wale Okerayi, a licensed mental health counselor. "The loss will be hard and difficult to move through, but you owe it to yourself and the other person to be honest."

Understand That It Takes Time

Getting over your fears of being in love won't happen overnight. It's a marathon—not a sprint. Most importantly, you don't have to dive straight in once you feel the sparks for someone new. It's probably a good idea to take things slow. This will give you the time you need to process your feelings, weigh the values of the relationship, and build a foundation of trust. Make a conscious effort to be more open with your partner.

Falling in love can be an exhilarating process if you let yourself experience it, and when you're finally willing to take the risk, you'll find that the reward is entirely worth it.