What Is Gaslighting in a Relationship? These Are the Warning Signs to Look For

You've probably heard the word gaslighting before. These days, it's become a part of our regular lexicon when discussing relationships. But do you know what it actually means? Simply put, gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to shift the power dynamic in a relationship so that one person has complete control over the other. At its core, it's a form of emotional abuse exerted to gain power over a romantic partner (though gaslighting can happen outside the context of relationships, too). "Gaslighting is such a malicious form of emotional abuse because it causes you to question your experiences, so it can be difficult to identify the warning signs," says Jeremy Bergen, MS, LCPC, a psychotherapist.

Ahead, Bergen and K'Hara McKinney, LMFT, a marriage and couples therapist, break down the psychology behind gaslighting in relationships and share how to identify the warning signs, understand the reasoning behind this venomous behavior, and navigate shutting it down. Ultimately, breaking the pattern is key for your own wellness, since "gaslighting causes harm and creates self-doubt," says McKinney. "It can contribute to an over internalization of blame for bad behavior of others. This can lead to a negative impact on self-esteem."

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of sustained psychological manipulation that causes the victim to question or doubt their sanity, judgment, and memories. "At its heart, gaslighting is emotional abuse," explains Bergen. "It's a tactic one partner uses in an effort to exert power over, gain control over, and inflict emotional damage on the other." Gaslighting also involves downplaying your partner's experience. "They make the person feel crazy or like their pain is imagined," McKinney affirms.

Signs You're Experiencing Gaslighting in Your Relationship

It is possible to weed out a gaslighter at the start of a relationship by looking for some preliminary red flags. "Early signs of gaslighting tend to look like an invalidation or dismissal of feelings," says McKinney. "Rationalization of harm, as well as victim blaming, can also be possible flags for gaslighting. Condescending remarks or trivializing pain may be other flags to notice."

If you're already deep into your relationship, there might be some additional signals to keep track of. According to our expert, there are five major signs of gaslighting in relationships. Here's what to look out for and why.

They Make You Question Your Perception of Reality

The major warning sign of gaslighting is that "your partner challenges your perception of situations, of yourself, of your thoughts, of your feelings, of their behavior," explains Bergen. "One of the big warning signs is this persistent sense that what you saw, you didn't really see. And what you experienced, you didn't really experience. What you felt, you didn't really feel."

They Persistently and Blatantly Lie to You

According to Bergen, "Their lies are designed to be manipulative for control." If you think your partner may be gaslighting you, Bergen suggests asking yourself questions such as, Does my partner consistently make me question my thoughts and experience of things? Do I catch them in lies?

They Make You Feel Insecure by Breaking You Down

In order to gain control and power, a gaslighter will harp on the gaslighted's insecurities. To help determine if your partner is breaking you down, Bergen suggests asking yourself, Is this person saying things that are designed to make me feel bad? Is the level of criticism pervasive in that sense of they're going at the same thing consistently?

They Try to Alienate You From People Who Care About You

"They do this because they want to control the narrative," Bergen explains. "They want to separate these relationships, so they'll cause conflict." This might sound something like, "Our kids think you're crazy, too" or "Your mom feels the same way."

They Lie About Saying Something When You Have Proof

Gaslighting is all about making the victim question their reality and sanity. Often, a gaslighter will deny saying or doing something and treat the victim as if they are crazy. Sometimes referred to as "countering," the gaslighter will question the victim's memory of an event, will deny it ever happened, or will pretend to forget what actually happened, even if you have proof. They'll either discount or twist the reality of your evidence.

Common Gaslighting Phrases

Another way to look for signs of gaslighting? Keep your ears open for phrases gaslighters commonly say, which might include the following.

• "You're too emotional."
• "I do this because I love you."
• "If you loved me, you would..."
• "Stop being dramatic."
• "You're making that up."
• "Why are you being so paranoid?"
• "That never happened."
• "We already talked about this."
• "I never said that."
• "You're crazy."
• "You're too sensitive."
• "I was trying to help you."
• "Come on, I was just joking."
• "Everyone agrees with me."

Examples of Gaslighting in Relationships

When you're in it, it can be hard to realize that you're experiencing gaslighting. Here are some common examples to be mindful of.

Use of "Love" as a Defense

If someone says, "You know I only do it because I love you," or, "Believe me, this is for the best," when doing something you perceive as abusive, controlling, or wrong, they are probably gaslighting you. Gaslighters might use love as a defense for their actions and suggest that you don't love them equally if you don't agree with what they say or do. For example, the gaslighter might sabotage opportunities (jobs, friendships) for you in order to control you, then justify it by saying they were concerned or that they did it because they care about you.

Accusations of Paranoia

One of the most common tactics of gaslighters is accusing their victim of paranoia. This often happens when a romantic partner is cheating. Gaslighters will deflect the problem onto their partner instead of taking responsibility for their own bad behavior. They'll say things like, "You really think I would cheat on you? You're just insecure," or, "Why are you so paranoid? You know I would never do that." The gaslighter will accuse the victim of being overly sensitive and jealous in hopes that they will no longer trust their instincts or observations.

Constant Criticism or Disparagement

A gaslighter may use verbal abuse to wear their victim down in an attempt to keep them stuck in the relationship. They may use constant insults or comments like, "You know you'll never get anyone better than me," or, "You're terrible with money. That's why I have to control the finances." They want to make you believe you're unlovable or useless without them and therefore must stay in the relationship. Other insults, like calling you "dramatic," "hysterical," "ungrateful," or "crazy" are meant to make you question your sanity.

Why Gaslighting Happens

People seek power and control in relationships for a wide variety of reasons, so the rationalizations for gaslighting vary from case to case. However, there are a few patterns, Bergen shares.

They Believe It's the Only Way to Sustain the Relationship

"In some cases, gaslighting is a way to try to keep somebody who you want to be in a relationship with around in a very abusive way—there's this notion that this is the only way to sustain the relationship," says Bergen.

They Feel Better About Themselves When Controlling Someone Else

"Sometimes, there's a genuine sense of, 'If I'm controlling other people, then I feel better about where I'm at,' and that search for power is something that expresses itself in the relationship," explains Bergen.

They Just Enjoy the Power and Control

According to Bergen, there's "a decent amount of research that shows there are people who genuinely find pleasure in having control over others."

What to Do If a Partner Is Gaslighting You

The first step in recovering from gaslighting is to commit to breaking the cycle of abuse. Don't allow your plans to be derailed by your abuser, who will likely ramp up his or her manipulations upon recognizing your intent to escape the relationship. Prepare yourself for this, and likewise aim to stay one step ahead in the pattern so that you're able to remain as disassociated as possible. Ultimately, your goal should be to end the relationship—and when you do, "do not to look for validation or complete accountability from the person," says McKinney. "Being very sure that the relationship has to end without negotiating with the other person will be really helpful in effectively ending it. And of course, self-care afterwards will be the salve for the hard conversation."

Here are some additional tips that may help you cope with and break free of gaslighting.

Seek Help from Someone Outside the Relationship

Turn to a friend, family member, or trusted coworker to validate your feelings. This won't be easy, as a byproduct of gaslighting is the feeling of isolation; the victim has been manipulated to believe that their abuser is the only one who truly understands them. Realize that this isn't the case, and seek out a confidant who can help you assess the situation, corroborate your memories, and/or confirm that something's not right.

Approach Your Recovery Like a Marathon, Not a Sprint

While speaking with a loved one is therapeutic, you might need the counsel of an impartial third party (think psychologist or therapist) to not only guide you out of the smoke and mirrors but to help ensure you don't slip back into the cycle of abuse, no matter the nature of the relationship in question—romantic, familial, platonic, professional, or otherwise.

Considering couples' therapy with your partner? Go for it, but be sure to book your own, private sessions, too. And remember: Long-term, regular therapy with a qualified professional might be necessary to equip you with the tools needed to break free from (or at least distance yourself from) a toxic or one-sided relationship. After all, building a sturdy bridge between your past missteps and your future successes is unlikely to happen in a single session.

Focus on Yourself

Do not lose your sense of self. This, coupled with the aftershocks of a breakup (even if the split is from a family member or a friend), can create the perfect conditions for wallowing. Still, it's important to ditch your couch-and-sweatpants habit before it becomes routine. "Create space internally, mentally, emotionally, and then externally by engaging with people outside the relationship," advises Bergen. Direct some much-needed attention to any relationships that may have been on the back burner, and open yourself up to meeting new people, too. A shared interest is always a great ice-breaker, so think about signing up for a workshop, class, retreat, or another opportunity to combine a pastime with socialization.

Trust Your Gut

Now and always, resolve to heed your intuition and follow your instincts. "The internal step, in terms of what to do if you feel like you're being gaslit, is to make the commitment to yourself that you do not have to question your thoughts, feelings, perceptions about anything," advises Bergen. "That is a choice that you make as an individual to reassess a situation that nobody is allowed to re-narrate anything for you." In other words, your emotions, thoughts, and memories should never be subject to debate—period.