How to Handle Verbal Cruelty in Your Relationship

Even though it's one of the most common forms of abuse in a relationship, verbal cruelty can be difficult to identify. While having a few arguments is expected in any dynamic, verbal abuse goes beyond just a simple disagreement. "Verbal abuse is name-calling, insults, derogatory language, curse words toward you or others, and humiliating put-downs that are said in public or private settings," says Megan Paterson, a California-based marriage and family therapist. Verbal abuse often targets someone's insecurities, but it can vary in form, ranging from shouting and humiliation to more subtle and manipulative tactics.

Oftentimes, physical abuse is easily identifiable. There is no doubt that if you've been hit or injured by your partner, you have been abused. Verbal abuse is different. The damage is internal, and there are no physical bruises or scars. While both can have long-term effects like low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and more, verbal cruelty can be difficult to define without knowing the signs.

If you're concerned that you may be experiencing verbal abuse, read on to learn about signs to watch out for in your relationship—and what to do when you see them.

Types of Verbal Cruelty and Abuse

There isn't one type of verbal abuse. While name-calling, yelling, and constant put-downs can be classified as verbal cruelty, silence or manipulation can also be categorized as abuse. Here, we explain some of the different types of verbal cruelty to be aware of.

Gaslighting

If you feel your partner continue to distort and manipulate reality to their advantage, you may be experiencing gaslighting, a form of verbal abuse that makes you question your thoughts, memories, or perception of events, Paterson says. "This type of behavior most often starts slowly," she adds. "It begins with blaming or accusing the partner of some form of wrongdoing without reason or evidence."

Stonewalling

Verbal abuse can also be silent. When your partner "stonewalls" you, they intentionally withhold communication or contact from you for an extended period of time for no reason, Paterson says. "The 'silent treatment' approach is harmful in relationships and often confused with 'taking space,'" she adds. However, there are key differences between the two. When your partner says they are taking space, you know that they'll return to the conversation at a later point, she says. However, when they stonewall you, they ignore you as a form of a punishment or control. "As a result, the conflict is never addressed, and therefore, there is no feeling of resolution," Paterson says. "This can lead to the growth of resentment."

Verbal Aggression

Verbal aggression, including name-calling, manipulation, or yelling can be verbal abuse. While it's normal to have conflict in a relationship, it's important to handle these difficult conversations and feelings with love and respect—rather than anger and hostility.

Common Signs of Verbal Abuse in a Relationship

Unsure if what you're experiencing (or what a close family member or friend is going through) qualifies as verbal abuse? In general, if you have concerns that verbal abuse is happening, that is likely a sign in and of itself. Below, we outline the most common signs of verbal abuse in a partnership.

They Call You Names

Negative name-calling is a sign of verbal abuse. If the name feels like a put-down to you, it likely was meant to be. Some names are unquestionably abusive, while others are more like backhanded compliments. These can be harder to identify—but, ultimately, trust your gut. Verbal abusers often use "constructive" criticism to negatively affect their partner's self-esteem. "Generally speaking, verbal abusers use their words to target insecurities and feelings of shame in their partners," says Amelia Peck, a licensed marriage and family therapist.

They Put You Down

Critical, sarcastic, or mocking words that are meant to put you down (either alone or in front of other people) are a type of abuse. These may be comments about the way you dress, how you talk, or your intelligence. "When a partner is verbally abusive, they do not have equality in the relationship at the center of their values," says Peck. "They work to make their partner feel 'less-than' to gain a sense of power in the relationship." 

They Raise Their Voice

When a partner resorts to yelling without much provocation, you may be understandably worried that anything you say will set them off. That's not what a healthy relationship looks like. You shouldn't feel as though you're walking on eggshells and have to censor what you say around your partner.

They Use Threats to Intimidate You

Threats to your life or your body can create fear—whether they're empty or not. No threat should be taken lightly. Even if your partner tells you they're only joking, there shouldn't be concerns about your safety in a healthy relationship. It's especially important to take a threat seriously if it causes you to change your behavior or feel more on guard.

They Blame You for Their Actions

If your partner constantly puts you at fault for their own actions, you may be experiencing victim-blaming, a form of verbal abuse frequently associated with narcissistic personalities. The reasons or excuses they describe may be intentionally convoluted to confuse you, resulting in you apologizing for their actions.

"It’s important to remember that people in abusive relationships aren’t always experiencing volatile abuse 100 percent of the time," Peck says. "Often, after an abusive episode, couples make up and have a sort of 'honeymoon phase' for a bit. This is a piece that leads to emotional complexity and leads victims to justify their partner’s abuse or take the blame for it."

They Dismiss Your Feelings

When your partner refuses to discuss issues that upset you, they might be avoiding responsibility. Conversations about actions and words that hurt you are ended, and issues that reflect poorly on their behavior are dismissed. This is also a form of gaslighting: Concerns are ignored, and your partner insists that certain events "didn't happen," or you're remembering things wrong. Gaslighting can make you question your own reality, leading back to a cycle of victim-blaming.

They Manipulate You

The persistent and intense use of threatening words may lead you to do things or act in ways you find uncomfortable. This form of verbal abuse is common at the end of a marriage. If your partner doesn't want a divorce, they'll say whatever it takes to play on your emotions and keep you in the marriage. It's an attempt to make you comply with their desires—regardless of what's best for you as an individual.

Signs That You (or Someone You Love) Might Be a Victim of Verbal Abuse

For some, identifying feelings or tendencies in response to experiencing verbal cruelty may be easier than seeing the abuse itself. Here are some to look out for:

Low Self-Esteem

When you're experiencing verbal cruelty, you may bury your feelings, try not to upset your partner, and work to keep the peace. You may feel depressed or turn your stress inward. By punishing yourself for your partner's behavior, you may feel like it's all happening in your head. Peck says her clients report that verbal and emotional abuse "leads them to believe anything wrong in the relationship is their fault or that their lack of happiness or satisfaction in the relationship is a result of them not trying hard enough."

Feeling Like a Different Person

When someone abuses you, it can change the way you feel about yourself. You become so caught up in the relationship and trying to avoid upsetting your partner that you abandon the person you used to be. You lose your voice and let go of personal boundaries. If you find yourself justifying abuse in your relationship for any reason, reach out to a professional for help in navigating the situation.

"Often, I hear clients say a justification for staying in the relationship was that 'at least' the abuse wasn’t physical," says Peck. "Physical or not, the abuse is real, and when I hear people use this type of justification in their narrative, it makes me realize how much they’ve had to repress their own feelings and emotions and have struggled to find their own voice in their life," says Peck.

Walking on Eggshells Around Your Partner

If you don't have feelings of safety and security when your partner is around, you may feel the need to guard every word you speak. Everything you do or say is never good enough. When you feel like you can't be yourself to the fullest extent, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship and the role you want to play in it. "When I hear people say they’re too afraid to say something because of how their partner will respond, in a way that seems to trigger some sense of fear, I begin to assess for signs of abuse or safety concerns," says Peck.

How to Respond to Verbal Abuse in a Relationship

Abuse is never justified. Remind yourself that it is not your fault—and consider your options for walking away when you experience it. If the person you love is verbally abusive and dismissive of your feelings, you might not see yourself (and your needs) as important. Remember that you are.

Make sure to prioritize your personal safety above all else. "If possible, try to calmly remove yourself from the space and allow the person to calm down," says Alyssa Vu, a psychotherapist. "Keeping yourself calm is important here, so try some breathing or grounding exercises. If your partner is also able to engage in calming exercises, try to encourage them to breathe and slow down as well. Otherwise, things can easily escalate if you were to engage with the abuser's behaviors."

Once you are safe, focus on getting help. Below, we offer some things to do—and considerations to make—when you experience verbal cruelty.

Seek the Assistance of a Professional

Seek counseling with a relationship therapist, either together or separately. "Finding a professional therapist can be helpful to address verbal abuse, and this can be done in pre-marital counseling with a skilled and specialized therapist," Paterson says.

Lean on Loved Ones

Surround yourself with a support system of family and friends who can validate your experiences. Discuss with them what is happening and how you're feeling.

Set Boundaries

Communicate with your partner about their hurtful words, and discuss that this behavior is unacceptable to you. Set boundaries on what you will and will not accept in a relationship. "The consequences of verbal abuse can be severe if not addressed," Paterson says. "It can impact your mental and emotional well-being, which can lower your self-worth and, in some relationships, can lead to physical abuse.'

Consider Leaving the Relationship

You may also consider leaving the marriage or relationship. If you choose to file for divorce, make sure to hire an attorney familiar with this type of situation and stay in close contact with your support system.

Be Kind to Yourself

Don't blame yourself for someone else’s behavior or tell yourself you don't deserve to be treated better. Give yourself space to process your emotions, heal from this relationship, and seek out the help you need.

Even though verbal abuse doesn't leave a visible mark, those who experience it still suffer emotionally. Your experience should not be dismissed. By showing yourself the care you'd give to others, you can start on the road toward a fulfilling future. "The more clear and aware you get of yourself as a person, your values, standards, boundaries, the more you’re going to be aware when you are in a relationship with someone who does not respect those things," says Peck.