How to Really Know If Your Partner Is "the One"

How do you really, really, really know when you’ve found "the one?" It’s a question that’s anchored countless romantic comedies, novels, poems, and love songs, but balancing the sweet rush of emotion that comes with a new (or newer) relationship next to the practical concerns that let you envision the building of a shared future rarely comes without second thoughts. These second thoughts can continue as a relationship—even a good one—unfolds, especially as you start to think about a proposal or marriage. Ultimately, the age-old maxim, "When you know, you just know," isn't always helpful, and that's especially true if you're someone who wants to be sure (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that your current partner is the one you want to take those next steps with.

Since choosing a life partner is arguably the biggest decision you'll ever make, we understand wanting to truly, deeply, down-to-your-bones know that this person is the one for you. To help you feel confident in your decision, we tapped two relationship experts—Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT and Wale Okerayi, LHMC, LPC, to weigh in. Ahead, they share six surefire ways to know when you really do know (and what to do if you still just don’t).

You’re not just relying on a first impression.

Love at first sight may look magical in the movies, but it’s not a strong foundation for a lifelong relationship. “You may think the person you just met is ‘the one’ but you're on drugs at that time,” says Dr. Tatkin. “We first fall for someone, have a crush, or just get excited, and we produce neurochemicals and hormones that can alter our judgment. You are filled with hope about the future. You have fantasies. And in many cases, nature just wants you to procreate.”

While that rush of emotion feels great, it’s not enough to sustain a partnership, which requires years of communication, compromise, and conflict resolution. “The very beginning of any relationship is filled with projections, because you don't really know that person as of yet,” says Dr. Tatkin. “It can take up to a year to really get to know somebody—and many more to know enough to regret marrying them.” 

You can work through transitions and conflicts.

While the beginning of a relationship can fill you with all the fuzziest feelings, you shouldn’t decide that someone is the one until you’ve faced some challenges—like big arguments, major life transitions, or moral disagreements—and figured out how to work through them successfully. “If you’re in the beginning stages, conflict is probably not happening at all, so it feels really nice and fun,” says Okerayi. “Those initial feelings can feel really exciting, and very warm, and everything feels really good. But then once conflict happens, is that feeling still there? If it isn't, then that would be the thing that would tell you if the partner is for you or not.”

The conflict itself isn’t a sign that you and your partner aren’t a good match; the better indicator is how well you can communicate with and support each other through it, responding with empathy, compassion, and understanding, says Okerayi. “If you're approaching your partner about something that's upsetting to you, or a way you don't feel like your needs are met, and they are responding in a way that feels open and compassionate, I think that's way easier to work through,” she says. “But if they're responding in defense every time that you mention that you're feeling unhappy about something, or maybe frustrated by something, and it's always a defensive response or leads into more arguments or communication that feels destructive, then that would be a sign—maybe this person isn't the one.”

Your friends like you together.

While only you and your partner can know if you’re truly compatible, Dr. Tatkin says an outside perspective can help you see pros and cons you might otherwise miss. Remember: You’re not just asking your people if they like your new partner, you’re asking if they like you as a pair—and, more importantly, if they like the person you are when he or she is around. “Vet the person with your social network: Make sure you tell people to speak the truth to you when you ask questions like, ‘How do you like us together?’ Or, ‘Do you like the me that you see when I'm with my partner?’ Or, ‘What do you really think about this new person of mine?’” says Dr. Tatkin.

Friends and family members who know what you are looking for in a partner will be able to help you identify ways you and your partner work well together—and ways you don’t.

Your partner checks all the (important) boxes.

When you’re envisioning a perfect partner, skip the details about hair color, job, and favorite movies. Instead, define what they would be like in terms of your ideal relationship, says Dr. Tatkin. “Think in categories,” he suggests, like safety and security, love and affection, adventure and growth, religion, and lifestyle.

“Make as many bullet points as you can, and start with the word ‘we’ followed by what both of you would do behaviorally. Do not use emotion or thoughts, such as, ‘We feel loving toward each other;’ You can't legislate or enforce feelings or thoughts,” he says. “For instance, safety and security: We protect each other at all times, we have each other's backs, we tell each other everything, we put our relationship first, we are equals in all things. Instead of focusing on the perfect person, what's the perfect relationship that you want—not just for now, but also for the long run?”

You’re honest with yourself.

Even when a partner seems perfect on paper, you might be left with doubts. ”If you feel like your needs are met, communication is great, and you have a strong relationship, but something is blocking you from fully investing in the relationship, it could be time to look at your own relationship history,” says Okerayi.

If you typically have trouble fully trusting a partner, then feeling unsure about whether your partner is the one may be more about you than about them. “If you feel like it’s been easier for you to trust someone and be vulnerable with someone at this level in other relationships, then maybe there is something going on in this current relationship,” she says. “But if you feel like in past relationships it’s been difficult for you to reach this level of trust, and stay there, and continue to grow, it could be time for some reflection and some self-work. Keep the communication open, so it doesn’t allow your partner to feel isolated as you’re going through this individualized experience.”

You like to be together.

Loyalty, compassion, dependability, honesty, and empathy are just some of the key characteristics the experts recommend in a worthy partner—but there’s another element that’s just as important. “Look for someone you enjoy being around,” says Okerayi. Along with feeling safe, secure, understood, and cared for, a lasting relationship will require a genuine affection for your partner’s company. “It might sound silly, but it’s pretty big,” she says. “You should enjoy being around your partner if you want to be with them long term.”

Just as important: Your partner should like you—the real you. “The ugly, the weird, the parts of yourself that no one else sees—if you feel like you can be all of those things and be accepted by your partner, if you feel like there’s no judgment, that’s when you know,” Okerayi says.