How to Stop Being Clingy in a Relationship

If you’re in a relationship—especially in the early stages—it’s natural to crave your partner’s attention and seek their reassurance every now and then. Issues start to arise, though, when this behavior is constant, almost compulsive, otherwise known as clinginess. In general, clingy individuals demonstrate a neediness and dependence on their significant other due to a fear of abandonment and an anxious attachment style. Since these people are terrified that their partner will suddenly lose interest or end the relationship, they hold on to them as tightly as possible—which, ironically, ends up pushing their significant other away. 

To ease their insecurities and doubts, clingy partners constantly look to their significant other to affirm their love and commitment, whether it’s continuously checking their presence on social media or sending them endless text messages throughout the day. And even when their partner verbalizes and demonstrates that their feelings are present and real, it isn’t enough—and doesn’t stop the incessant questioning.

While clingy behavior often has good intentions, it usually takes a toll on romantic relationships. When someone demonstrates clinginess, the partner on the receiving end typically feels suffocated. Having to continuously reassure their significant other may cause frustration and resentment for them, too. In some cases, clinginess can even lead to the demise of a relationship.

If you suspect that you may be latching on to your partner an unhealthy amount, we talked to three relationship experts who shared their top tips for how to stop being clingy in your relationship. Ahead, they also share the signs, causes, and consequences of this behavior.

What Causes Clingy Behavior in Relationships?

An anxious attachment is the culprit behind clinginess in relationships, according to relationship expert Jaime Bronstein. This attachment style develops in infancy when a caregiver is inconsistent with their affection (nurturing at times and insensitive at others), causing the child to feel abandoned and alone. Over time, these infants internalize the belief that they can’t rely on having their needs met. In adulthood, anxious attachments persist, particularly in romantic relationships. Because these individuals never learned to trust others, when they get romantically involved with another person, they often feel insecure, which causes them to become clingy.

While clingy individuals’ parents are primarily responsible for their anxious behavior in relationships, this dysreglated attachment system can also stem from a past romance gone wrong. "In addition, an insecure attachment style can develop from previous romantic relationships if the person felt like they weren't prioritized or didn't receive enough attention or love from their significant other,” Bronstein explains.

Signs of Clingy Behavior in Relationships

Clinginess can manifest in several different ways. Generally, those who are clingy feel anxious over their partner's commitment to them—especially when they're apart. "Someone who loves themselves and feels confident in themselves and the relationship will be able to be apart and not worry," Bronstein says of healthy unions with independent partners.

Below, we explore more of the common signs of clinginess in relationships. If you find yourself, your partner, or someone you know engaging in any or all of these behaviors, it's probably a sign of relationship insecurity. In some cases, though, you may worry and obsess over your partnership due to your significant other's past, per psychotherapist Nicholas Hardy, especially if they were unfaithful. In that case, Bronstein advises seeing a couples counselor to try to restore your trust.

• Not giving your partner space or alone time, even after they've requested it
• Calling or texting your significant other nonstop when you aren't together
• Panicking if your partner doesn't respond to your texts or calls right away
• Monitoring your partner's behavior on social media
• Feeling threatened by your partner's friends or coworkers of the opposite sex
• Getting upset when you aren't invited to every event your partner is planning on attending
• Attempting to rush into a more serious relationship
• Deceptively creating an image of yourself that your partner finds attractive
• Trying to force a partner to love you
• Striving to earn their love by doing things they like (and abandoning yourself in the process)
• Being fully attentive to your partner's moods (at the cost of yours)
• Showing difficulty expressing your needs
• Frequently asking your partner for reassurance of their feelings for you
• Looking for signs of potential rejection or betrayal
• Tracking your significant other's location on your phone
• Having less time for yourself or your friends
  

The Impact of Clingy Behavior on Relationships

Clinginess is often unintentional, yet it has real repercussions on the partnership. When someone is overly dependent on their significant other, they often feel smothered, like their autonomy has been taken away from them, which is linked to a decrease in relationship satisfaction. The receiving partner may also find it frustrating that they have to frequently reaffirm their feelings for their significant other—and no matter what they say, it won't appease the clingy individual. After failing to meet their partner’s incessant demands, they may feel resentful.

How to Stop Being Clingy in Your Relationship

Even if you’ve had a history of clinging to your partner, it’s completely possible to manage your anxiety about your relationship. While it may feel scary to become less reliant on your partner, the change will ultimately strengthen your connection—and help you grow as an individual.

Talk to Your Partner

If you recognize that your behavior may be clingy, have an honest conversation with your partner. "Own your behavior instead of blaming them," Bronstein advises. Acknowledge that you've been needy, without trying to accuse them. During this discussion, explain the reason why you might be acting that way, express your intentions to change, and ask your partner for support and patience as you navigate this.

Put Your Phone Down

If you tend to be the needy type, you may be used to constantly contacting your partner throughout the day, whether it's over text, FaceTime, or email. While this desire to digitally connect with your partner when you're apart has innocent intentions, they may feel suffocated by the bombardment, annoyed at the distraction, or resentful of the lack of trust. If your significant other is at the office or out with friends, refrain from dialing their number. Resisting this urge will probably make you feel a bit anxious, so try coping with the discomfort by going for a walk, journaling, meditating, or trying any other stress management tool that works for you.

Pursue Your Passions

To overcome your clingy nature, Hardy stresses the importance of having a life of your own—not one that's entirely wrapped up in your partner. "The main thing you can do to help combat clinginess in a relationship is to ensure you are comfortable as an individual first," he says. Having a hobby or passion that inspires you or gives you a sense of joy or accomplishment, whether it's taking piano lessons or joining a book club, will boost your self-esteem and give your life meaning outside of your relationship, so you'll rely less on your partner to fill any voids. "When you are in your joy, you are present, and you don't worry about things, so I highly recommend being in your joy as much as possible," Bronstein shares.

Give Your Partner Space

With an insecure attachment, it can be hard to accept that your partner has a life outside of you—but their independence is vital to the health and success of your relationship. If you deprive your significant other of friend hangouts or work happy hours, they'll become resentful and distant. Instead of getting mad at your partner the next time they tell you about their upcoming social calendar, try your best to support them. Then, make your own plans, whether it's catching a movie with friends or booking a yoga class.

Manage Feelings of Jealousy 

It’s not uncommon for people to behave in a needy way because they’re jealous or worried about their partner’s loyalty. "Jealousy is related to fear of rejection or abandonment," explains licensed psychologist Leslie Becker-Phelps. "When a person is inclined toward unfounded jealousy, they are experiencing an emotional need to hold onto (or cling to) a partner they fear might leave them." For example, you may insist on texting your partner throughout the day because you’re worried about their relationship with a coworker, or you may want to hang out with your partner 24/7 because you don't trust their behavior in your absence. However, being envious is only going to push the two of you farther apart and prove that you lack faith in your significant other and the strength of your bond.

When these feelings of jealousy arise, instead of acting on them, acknowledge them before focusing your attention on something else that brings you peace and contentment. With this alternative route, you'll come across as far less needy and feel more relaxed mentally. Plus, your relationship will be far more likely to thrive.

Build Your Self-Esteem

"People who have this problem often struggle with feeling inadequate, flawed, or deficient," Becker-Phelps notes. "When others show them care, they don’t really believe or take it in—but, feeling desperate for reassurance, they keep trying to elicit it (even when it’s already been given)." To decrease the presence of clinginess in your partnership, work on improving your relationship with yourself. Restoring your self-confidence will allow you to feel self-assured in your relationship, regardless of what your partner says or does.

To build your self-esteem, Becker-Phelps recommends starting with positive affirmations to improve your self-talk. "List out your positive traits or strengths, and think about how you see them in your life," Becker-Phelps suggests. "Practice doing this with different strengths or situations to help you acknowledge and appreciate positives about yourself." You can also start going on solo outings, like going to the grocery store alone or eating at a restaurant by yourself. While it may seem challenging at first, you'll realize that you're capable of (and may even enjoy) spending time alone and accomplishing things without needing anyone else.

Spend Time With Friends and Family

Spending time with people who lift you up is one of the best ways to gain confidence and feel more secure in both yourself and your relationship. "I encourage my clients to surround themselves with people who build them up, with whom they feel comfortable being around, and who love them unconditionally," Bronstein says. Being with friends and family is also a great distraction from any negative or anxious thoughts you may be having about your partner. "Spending time with caring others or doing things that you enjoy can also help you be more open to caring relationships," Becker-Phelps adds.

Be sure to only surround yourself with those who leave you feeling loved and accepted. Hanging out with people who make you feel bad about yourself can leave you feeling more insecure than before, so you're more likely to exhibit clingy behavior.

Try Therapy

Consistently talking to a professional can help you overcome your relationship anxiety. In each session, you'll address your fear of abandonment, learn how to navigate your insecurities, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. Throughout this entire process, you'll also develop a more positive relationship with yourself. Becker-Phelps recommends working with a therapist who you trust and connect with, so you feel more comfortable opening up to them and will therefore get the help that you need.

What to Do If Your Partner Is the Clingy One

If you suspect that your significant other may be the clingy one in the relationship, there are steps you can take to address this relational issue. 

Mention It During a Conversation

To maintain your independence in your union, it’s important to have a discussion with your significant other about their clinginess. Since your partner is probably unaware of their behavior, the first step involves bringing it to their attention. When having this conversation, compassionately tell them what you’ve been noticing before asking why it might be happening and how you can best support them. It’s important to approach this discussion through a lens of curiosity and kindness, instead of one that’s critical and accusatory.

Set Boundaries

While being accepting and understanding of your partner’s clingy behavior is essential for the longevity of your relationship, it shouldn’t come at the expense of your own mental health. This is where boundaries come into play. For example, if your partner gets upset when you don’t text them back while you’re at the office, tell them that you aren’t able to respond during working hours and will get back to them at the end of the day.

Be Empathetic

If your partner is exhibiting clinginess, it probably isn’t their fault; this relational behavior is likely a result of their haphazard upbringing. Reminding yourself of the origin of their neediness will help you understand where they’re coming from. So, whenever they check for the hundredth time that you still love them, you’ll be able to demonstrate more patience and empathy. 

Talk to a Professional

After trying the above tactics, if nothing seems to change, consider seeing a couples counselor. Voicing the situation to a trained professional and unbiased third party who specializes in relationships will help you navigate and work through the issue, so you can strengthen your union.