Think You're Ready to Move in Together? These Tips Will Help You Navigate the Transition

You've been with your partner for what feels like forever, see a real, permanent future with this person, and spend more time at his place than your own (in fact, you can't remember the last time you slept in your bed)—sound familiar? If so, you're probably thinking about moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend. At first, it seems like a no-brainer; you spend so much time together and love waking up side by side. But do they feel the same way? And how can you know for sure that you're ready to take the next step? As you work through these (valid) questions, you might find yourself putting off the conversation or talking yourself out of the move altogether. But before you let assumptions or panicked thoughts dictate your future, take a step back. It's time to really examine your relationship and look for signs that moving in together really is the right thing to do.

For help, we turned to relationship coach Kathy Jacobson and K'Hara McKinney, a marriage counselor. They talked us through several signs that indicate you're ready to move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend—and shared several tips to ensure the move-in process is as seamless as possible. One takeaway? Some conflict during this phase is normal, so don't let a few tough conversations deter you. "Couples should absolutely expect that there will be an adjustment period, which is typically a little bumpy," notes McKinney. " Couples are getting to know each other in a different, more constant, and more intimate way, and this can be challenging." But it can also be very, very rewarding. Ahead, learn more about what you can expect when you move in together.

How Long Should You Date Before Moving in Together?

Couples typically date for a year or two before moving in with a boyfriend or girlfriend. "What is not uncommon in my practice is dating about one to two years before moving in together," affirms McKinney, who says that, not so long ago, that timeline was even tighter. "The pandemic escalated that timeframe and folks were moving in a lot sooner, but later regretted not taking more time to decide." Ultimately, no one and nothing—not even an expert-approved timeline—can tell you when you're ready to move in together. For some couples, it's just a few months; others need three to five years. When the timing is right, you'll feel ready to make this transition.

Signs You're Ready to Move in With Your Partner

What does a couple who is ready to move in together look like? "They have effective communication about their feelings, wants, and needs and are able to effectively problem-solve together and develop successful outcomes," says McKinney. "They're also able to 'partner' together. Partnering looks like taking a fair and equal distribution of the work required to help your lives function—even if that's not exactly 50/50." Below, we further explore several signs that a duo is ready to take this next step.

You have good communication.

The biggest sign you are ready to move in together is if you've gotten to the place where you communicate effectively. "You have both communicated clearly what it is each one of you wants and needs," says Jacobson. "It's crucial to any relationship that there is one person talking and the other one listening."

Make sure this is genuine, she adds. "It has to be really listening, not rolling eyes or pretending to have heard what their partner is saying." You're going to have to communicate even more once you live together, so it's important to get this skill right.

You accept the other person.

Jacobson also says for a relationship this intimate to be successful, both partners have to accept one another fully. "You can't go in believing that they can change the other one to think and believe as they do," she explains. You're going to find out more things about your partner once you live together and share a space, so it's best to accept that they are a different person with individual needs and feelings.

You can talk honestly about moving in together.

If you can't even clearly talk about moving in together, it's not a good sign, adds Jacobson. You have to be able to be fully honest with each other. "State what you want and why you want it. Again, listen to what your partner says. Listen to the words, to the energy behind the words, and ask questions if you're not sure."

In addition to being able to listen, you need to be able to express what you want. "Be honest about how you are feeling," offers Jacobson. "If something doesn't feel right, own it. Don't make it about the other person. Really take responsibility for how you feel."

You have rich, independent lives.

Living together is different than dating. With the latter, you can choose when you see one another. If you live together your home is the same, and you will be together more often than not. Once they move in, many couples fall into the habit of spending all their time together, which can be unhealthy. You can put too much pressure on your relationship or you can grow resentful that you've given up so much to be together.

The important thing is to make sure both of you have balanced lives before you move in together. "Each person needs to have their own, independent time and space," says Jacobson. Having your own friends and your own interests and hobbies is also important. That way you will have healthy, rich lives both outside and inside your home.

You're on the same page about your relationship.

Before you move in together it's important to determine what being in a relationship and loving one another means. Do you show your love by buying each other gifts or by sending texts throughout the day? Is it important that you hang out a few times a week exclusively or is it okay to simply cuddle at the end of the night after doing different things? "It's important that couples discuss what they believe love to be," Jacobson shares. That way, you won't get into endless fights over vastly different expectations.

What to Expect When Moving in Together

It's easy to anticipate the practical changes that come with moving in together. You will share a refrigerator and a television and closet space. Every night you will go to bed together and wake up in the same place. Like any roommates moving in, it might take some time to get into a groove that works for both of you. What chores will you each be in charge of? How much will you clean? When do you do the grocery shopping? You can even talk about some of these issues before the move to ease the transition.

As for the emotional changes that come with sharing a physical space with someone, it's best to not have any expectations, reveals Jacobson. "Expectations can ruin any relationship. There are bound to be ups and downs, that's part of the game," she adds. "How each person deals with those is important. No blaming or shaming. Just honest communication that comes from the heart, not the head." Go in with curiosity, not a set mindset about how things will be.

Tips for Living Together

Moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend will be a transition—but there are a few ways to streamline the process before, during, and after the move happens. "Develop a logistical and emotional strategy before moving in," advises McKinney. "For logistics, consider how rent will be paid, who moves in and when, and what your physical needs of the space are. Emotional strategies include discussing what individual space looks like for you both, prioritizing consistent connection, and protecting the relationship as conflict arises in the home." Here are several other tips that will help you navigate this change once you've settled into your new (shared!) home.

Communicate more, not less.

"Communication does tend to change when people live together. They may tend to think the other person knows how they feel. People can take each other for granted," shares Jacobson. "It’s best to be honest. Tell each other what the house rules are from your perspective and listen to what their [rules] are. If [they] leave the toilet seat up and you really don’t like it, let [them] know. But be gentle. Don’t blame."

Maintain your independence.

Sometimes when partners move in together, they start doing everything together, admits Jacobson. "When you live with another person your time can be eclipsed. Maybe that’s because you want to spend all your time with the other or maybe they are jealous if you go off without them."

Resist the urge to do everything together and maintain your separate lives. It's important to have your own friends, interests, and activities, so you can still be true to yourself as you grow closer to your partner.

When something comes up, look at yourself first.

Inevitably something is going to come up that causes one partner to be mad. It can be as small as someone didn't do the dishes when they said they would or as big as they are working too much and are never home. Whatever it is, Jacobson encourages you to look at yourself first before blaming your partner. Decide why you are upset, what needs aren't being met, and why you are having this reaction before approaching your partner.

"When something comes up that's uncomfortable, that person needs to go within to find out what that's really about before talking to their partner," she says. That way you will be able to communicate lovingly and without blame, and you'll make a lot more progress.