Modern Wedding Etiquette: What Getting It Right Looks Like in 2024

Weddings put a lot of stress on relationships, so it’s no surprise when multiple parties butt heads while planning. What’s interesting is that most of those disagreements end up being over things some would consider improper etiquette. These days, wedding etiquette hangs in the balance of a generational divide: Some parents and guests are still operating under the “traditional” big-day etiquette they experienced when they were on the wedding scene, which is why many are shocked to hear today’s guidelines on who pays for or who hosts what (or that adding a honeymoon fund to a registry really is okay), among other things. All to say, times really have changed—and there’s a new set of modern wedding etiquette rules to know as a result.

Modern times dictate new traditions, but how do couples, families, and their friends navigate and understand these updated protocols? With this question in mind, we asked 10 etiquette experts and wedding planners across the country to provide clarification when it comes to what modern etiquette looks like in 2024. The one thing they agree on? Although there are contemporary guidelines for couples to follow, it’s whatever makes the couple most comfortable that’s usually a good way to go. And then there’s this: The experts we spoke to also agreed that modifying customs can actually lead to more entertaining weddings—which is just one more reason to go ahead and make your grandmother your flower girl.

Modern Pre-Wedding Etiquette

Wedding etiquette comes into play long before the big day arrives. From the proposal and engagement announcement to the bridal shower and bachelorette party, new rules have shifted a myriad of these key wedding-journey touchpoints, from who is involved and how information is shared to who hosts and who pays.

The Proposal Is Now a Family Affair

Then: Proposals were intimate, taking place in private settings like homes or restaurants, with the focus solely on the couple.

Now: Proposals have turned into shared experiences with loved ones—and on social media. “This shift reflects a more inclusive and celebratory approach to engagement,” says Monica Lewis, the chief etiquette officer at The Monica Lewis School of Etiquette. “Public proposals in venues like parks or at events are popular. Following the proposal, gatherings with family and friends are typical, emphasizing community and shared joy.”

“The atmosphere and energy of a public setting can make the event feel extra special,” adds Lisa Mirza Grotts, the author of A Traveler’s Passport to Etiquette.  “With an audience, there are genuine reactions from both the proposee and bystanders, allowing the moment to be celebrated by all.”

Engagement Announcements Are Made Over Social Media

Then: An engagement announcement would be shared via mail and/or in a local newspaper. 

Now: Formal announcements are less common today. Instead, many couples opt to share the news of their engagement via social media. “While this is absolutely acceptable, it’s important the couple personally notify immediate family members and other important people in their lives first, so they can hear of the news directly from the couple and not over their phone,” says Mariah Grumet, founder of Old Soul Etiquette and author of What Do I Do? Every Wedding Etiquette Question Answered.

Anyone Can Host the Bridal Shower

Then: For years, the maid of honor was responsible for throwing the bridal shower.

Now: Anyone who’s close to the bride, including her mother, sister, aunt, best friend, grandmother, or the groom’s mother, can throw the shower. “We used to say the nuclear family couldn’t host because of appearances—with the bride’s family hosting the reception, they didn’t want to appear like they were asking for more gifts for their daughter. But nowadays, there’s no stigma attached to who can throw the shower. The only person who can’t is the bride herself,” says Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute. 

In fact, it’s common for wedding party members to share the costs of pre-wedding events like the bridal shower, resulting in a more collaborative approach where financial responsibilities are distributed evenly. “Modern wedding showers are a group effort with family and friends,” notes Post.

Brides Don’t Have to Open Shower Gifts at the Party

Then: It’s been tradition that the bride opens all of her presents in front of the guests at her bridal shower.

Now: A shower is a beautiful way to send the couple into the next chapter of their lives and a bride should honor and embrace the community spirit that comes her way. Yet sitting for hours on end as gifts are opened can be tedious and takes time away from socializing and games, especially with a large group. The modern approach is to not open gifts at all—but it all boils down to personal preference and context. “Generally speaking, it’s considered polite to acknowledge and express gratitude for the gifts at the shower,” says Lewis. “If the shower is large, time is limited, or a bride doesn’t like to be in the spotlight, it’s acceptable to open gifts after the guests have left. “In this case, you should give a heartfelt shoutout during the shower to all your guests, expressing your appreciation for their presence and gifts.” 

Other options include brides asking their guests to bring unwrapped gifts (to save on time and paper), then creating a designated display area where gifts can be showcased, with the bride thanking guests as they arrive. “This allows guests to peruse all the beautiful and thoughtful presents,” says Lewis. Brides can also announce they’ll be opening a portion of their gifts, with each bridesmaid randomly picking a gift to open (the bride can also ask guests if there’s a gift someone would really like opened).

Couples Are Planning Their Own (Extravagant) Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties 

Then: The bridal and bachelor parties planned separate evenings out for the bride or the groom—usually a dinner, often followed by drinks at a nightclub.  

Now: A one-night event has turned into a festivity-filled weekend getaway. “Destination weekends are not new, but now the brides and grooms are taking the lead when it comes to planning,” says Post. “They’re organizing their own bachelorette and bachelor parties to better control the expenses and locale. That being said, even with self-hosting, the bride and groom need to pay their own way and not expect their wedding parties to pick up their tab.”

The Rehearsal Dinner Is More Open

Then: Most often, the rehearsal dinner was held the night before a wedding for immediate family members and the wedding party after a practice run at their house of worship.

Now: Couples are expanding the rehearsal dinner to include guests, especially out-of-towners, and using it as a welcome party. While some rehearsal dinners double as a welcome party, others are a prelude to a larger celebration later that evening with the full group. The model you choose is up to you, but the night before the wedding is now an independent (and highly anticipated) event.  “It’s a great way to kick off the festivities, plus many couples feel this pre-wedding mingling warms everyone up for the reception,” says Post. 

The Bride’s Family No Longer Foots the Entire Bill 

Then: The bride’s family paid for the overwhelming share of the ceremony and reception. 

Now: Today, there’s no rule that says anyone besides the couple is responsible for paying for a wedding. “Unlike the traditional model where the bride’s family would assume the wedding costs, today the groom’s family and/or the grandparents often help cover the reception costs and couples are more likely to share expenses or even completely pay for the wedding themselves,” says Sarakorn Phungphuak, a wedding and event manager at Aleenta Phuket Phang Nga Resort & Spa. 

In this brave new world, it’s important to establish channels of communication early. “If a couple is lucky enough to have relatives willing to contribute, it’s best to talk and find out what their financial support includes ahead of time,” says Post. “But the bottom line is the couple should be prepared to throw the wedding on their own without financial support from anyone else and without going into debt.” 

There are plenty of advantages to this model. “The good news is when couples pay, they don’t need to concede to the guidance or suggestions of their parents because they don’t feel obligated by the pressure of money,” adds Diane Gottsman, the owner of The Protocol School of Texas and author of Modern Etiquette.

Modern Wedding Party Etiquette

In a lot of ways, the wedding party’s role has expanded over the past decade. The pre-wedding road is longer, with more action-packed events to organize and attend, and this often translates to a bigger spend. Here are a few etiquette shifts today’s maids of honor, best men, bridesmaids, and groomsmen are contending with.

Best Man and Maid of Honor Titles Are Flexible

Then: The maid of honor and best man were usually a sibling of the couple or a best friend. Gendered wedding parties would often have the same number of members on each side.

Now: “Today, couples are choosing loved ones who are closest to them no matter the gender, featuring bridesmen or best women. And wedding parties are no longer equal in numbers,” says Alicia Mae, owner of Ile Events. Adds Gottsman, “It’s not uncommon to see a dog serve as the best man or maid of honor!”

Bridesmaids Often Choose Their Own Dresses

Then: Bridesmaids wore color-coordinating, same-styled dresses.

Now: Today, brides are giving their bridesmaids the opportunity to choose their own gowns, allowing for flexibility, creativity, and more often than not, the chance to wear an expensive dress more than once. “The bride may set a specific color palette and allow for different styles of dresses to better suit different body types,” says Jules Hirst, an etiquette coach and author. 

But there’s a reason why, for generations, bridal parties have worn the same dress. “It’s so they don’t show up the bride,” says Post. “A smart move would be for the bride to approve the dresses in advance, to ensure that nothing stands out and so the overall look isn’t a crazy mix of prints and colors.” 

One thing to keep in mind with this new tradition: Finding their own outfits can put stress on both the bridesmaids and the bride, especially if one of the attendant’s first and second choices are not approved.

The Groom’s Mom Has the Green Light to Shop Early

Then: The mother of the bride picked her dress before the groom’s mother went shopping. 

Now: “In the past, it was common courtesy for the mother of the bride and the groom’s mother not to wear the same-colored dress. But in fact, wearing the same color can bring harmony and synchronicity to the photos—so there’s no reason the groom’s mother should wait if she wants to start shopping,” says Post. “Just be sure to check in with regard to the former custom, and when someone buys a dress, they share a photo with the other mom.” 

The Wedding Party’s Duties Extend Beyond the Wedding

Then: Previously, those in a wedding party provided support only on the day of the wedding, with no pre- or post-wedding obligations.  

Now: Wedding parties are taking on a bigger role in today’s wedding experiences. “Bridesmaids and groomsmen have a larger list of duties and responsibilities, including helping with the wedding planning, serving as hosts at the reception, and planning engagement parties. And for the DIY couple, helping set up the venue,” says Andrew Roby, owner of Andrew Roby Events. Agrees Hirst, “Nowadays, the wedding party obligations extend beyond the wedding day, whether that’s helping with thank-you notes or returning rented items.”

Some Couples Aren’t Having Wedding Parties at All

Then: Bridesmaids and groomsmen were synonymous with weddings and rarely skipped.

Now: More and more couples are saying no to maids of honor, best men, bridesmaids, and groomsmen altogether, choosing to pose for photos with just family or their nearest and dearest friends. Part of the reason for skipping out on big-day attendants? The cost and mounting responsibilities affiliated with taking part in these groups. Many of today’s couples are opting out of this tradition in an effort to reduce the cost of attendance for friends and family members—and to keep the focus on the fun, not the work.

Modern Wedding Guest List Etiquette

Today’s couples have more agency than ever over their own wedding guest lists—a departure from decades past, when inviting the entire family was standard. With the rise of micro weddings, child-free celebrations, and destination parties, big-day attendees lists are smaller than ever—and etiquette has changed as a result.

Couples Are Saying No to Kids at Weddings 

Then: It was standard practice for a sibling or close friend’s child to be part of a wedding, attending as a family unit. 

Now: Many couples are planning child-free weddings, noting their preference for an adults-only celebration on their wedding invitations. “When children are part of the equation, there’s a risk of disruptions during key wedding moments such as vows, speeches, or even the first dance—not to mention crying tantrums,” says Grotts. Agrees Gottsman, “There’s a fear the kids will be noisy, bored, or downright disruptive.”

But couples also understand that “no-kids” may mean a “no” on the RSVP, so some are opting to have childcare or local babysitters onsite at the reception, adds Post. 

Wedding Guest Lists Are Tightly Curated 

Then: In the past, wedding invitations were often extended based on family obligations. And because the bride’s parents usually paid for the wedding, they had final say over the guest list.

Now: “Today, it’s okay if couples don’t want to celebrate with great aunts or their parents’ work friends and instead want to be surrounded by the people they love and know well,” says Tiare Tipoti, director of events at Waikiki Beach Marriott Resort & Spa. Modern couples are prioritizing people who have been an active part of their lives. “This is especially true if budgets are tight,” adds Phungphuak.

Singles Are No Longer Guaranteed a Plus-One

Then: In the past, singles were almost always invited with a plus-one.

Now: Today’s budgets are tight and guest lists are more personalized, so singles coming solo has become the standard. “Given the reception cost per head, unless they’re engaged or in a very serious relationship, singles can no longer assume they can bring a guest. Having a partner no longer automatically guarantees a spot at the wedding,” says Hirst. “Be sure to check how many people the bride and groom have allotted on the invite. If it says one, you’re flying solo.”

Digital Wedding Invitations Are Acceptable

Then: For years, formal wedding invitations were sent out on heavy card stock and included a stamped envelope for RSVPs to be returned in the mail. 

Now: While beautiful cards and RSVP’s will always have a valuable place in some couples’ wedding traditions, a digital invitation and RSVP is becoming more and more popular. “It’s eco-friendly, affordable, and won’t get lost in the mail,” says Gottsman. There are, however, two things to keep in mind when it comes to digital invitations. “You want your invitation to match the formality of your event, as this is your guests’ first impression of the vision you have for your wedding, and you need to ensure you include the same information on the digital invitation you would on a physical invitation,” says Grumet. “Your guests still need to know the basics, even if the invitation is coming through text or email.” 

What shouldn’t be omitted? Personalized thank-you notes. “Whether handwritten or digital, the couple should always send a thank-you note to anyone who attended the wedding,” says Tipoti. In addition, couples are now presenting thank-you notes at the wedding via the seating chart display or at each table setting on the back of printed menus. “They’re thanking guests for sharing in the special moment whether a gift was received or not,” says Mae.

Modern Wedding Ceremony Etiquette

It isn’t just weddings that are changing—how we get married is shifting, too, and the effects of this are felt most during ceremonies, which are becoming shorter, less “traditional” (and, in some cases, less religious!), and more personal.

Dad Isn’t the Only One Walking the Bride Down the Aisle

Then: Traditionally, the father of the bride “gave his daughter away.”

Now: As we know, not every wedding ceremony involves a bride—and regardless of that fact, who escorts someone to the altar is entirely the couple’s choice. “Today, couples are embracing a more inclusive approach, allowing the bride to be escorted by both parents, a step-parent, or another significant figure in her life, regardless of gender. Brides may even choose to walk alone as a statement of independence while some grooms embrace the option to be escorted down the aisle, reflecting a shift toward equality and shared experiences in the wedding ceremony,” says Lewis. “Custom ceremonies may also include multiple family members walking someone down the aisle, celebrating blended families and diverse relationships.”

Ceremony Scripts Are Tighter and More Personalized

Then: Ceremonies were often religious, long-winded affairs with multiple participants, formal readings, and traditional vows; officiants were also lesser known to the couple or hired just for the nuptials.

Now: Many wedding services today are 30 minutes or less—snappy and quick, many of these ceremonies are designed with the couple’s personalities and relationship at the forefront. Many include personalized, hand-written vows (as opposed to traditional promises), which are often the jewel of the wedding. Ceremonies these days are regularly officiated by a person close to the couple (whether that’s a mutual friend, mentor, or family member) as opposed to clergy or a hired, ordained individual.

There Are New Rules Surrounding Ceremony Photos

Then: A wedding photographer was solely responsible for capturing the ceremony’s festivities and the couple would often see their photos weeks or sometimes months later. 

Now: When was the last time you went to a wedding where guests weren’t snapping away (or recording) during the ceremony? For better or for worse, attendees now play a big role in wedding photography. And while professional photographers are still very much the central player of a wedding team, guests give the couple an immediate look at their big day (and often tag them on social, allowing for easy re-sharing). “Guests can take pictures on their cell phones so couples don’t have to wait to see their wedding photos,” affirms Gottsman. 

All that being said, it’s important to remember that this isn’t something every couple wants, so make sure you understand their wishes early on. Chances are, if they don’t want guests sharing photos, they’ll make those preferences known. Some couples request a no cell phone zone—especially if they feel their guests can’t refrain from posting on social media until they themselves have shared official photos. “It’s the couple’s day and they should be the first in line to post images,” says Grotts. Adds Tipoti, “If it’s an unplugged ceremony, honor the couple's wishes. Phones should be placed on silent and kept out of sight.”

Post-Ceremony Pictures Timelines Are Changing

Then: Traditionally, couples had their photographs taken directly after the ceremony and prior to the reception.

Now: “Time frames have changed,” says Post. “Couples are having their photos taken in the late morning, prior to the ceremony, so they can immediately join their guests at the cocktail hour and not lose time to pictures.”

Modern Wedding Reception Etiquette

The receiving line is all but dead and wedding cakes (and public cake cuttings, for that matter) are optional—and those are just two ways wedding reception etiquette has changed in recent years. Here’s a snapshot on how big-day parties have evolved in the 21st century.

Receiving Lines Look a Little Different

Then: Receiving lines were once very common, where the couple and immediate family would stand up after the ceremony and greet guests.

Now: Receiving lines are much less common—but the etiquette behind them remains. “During the meal, the couple should visit each table to acknowledge the guests’ presence and thank them for joining in their big day,” says Grumet. 

It's Okay to Skip the Wedding Cake

Then: Tiered cakes have been a wedding staple for centuries.

Now: With the average wedding cake costing over $500, many couples are ditching this dessert option and serving treats like pies, cupcakes, or donuts. According to today’s etiquette experts, this is perfectly acceptable. “So much of the wedding cake goes to waste, with guests eating a forkful for good luck and then leaving the rest on the plate as they head back to the dance floor,” says Post. 

Couples Are Passing on Formal Sit-Down Dinners 

Then: Past wedding menus almost always included three entrée choices—chicken, beef, and fish—and were always a sit-down affair.

Now: Couples are stepping away from the formal sit-down meal. “Instead, they’re featuring multiple food stations or heavy appetizers instead of a three- or four-course meal,” says Roby. “I am also seeing couples offering dual entrees that allow for non-vegan and vegan guests.” 

Modern Wedding Gift Etiquette

You’ll find all kinds of things on a modern couple’s registry, from honeymoon allocations to unexpected essentials that might not have anything to do with their home (which makes sense if they already live together). Group gifts are also fair game—though there is one element of wedding gift etiquette that has not and will never change, say our experts. 

Gift Giving Goes Beyond the Blender

Then: Gifts purchased for the couple were typically something they could use for their home. 

Now: In 2024, we’ve moved away from traditional household items to modern registries that include funds towards honeymoons and down payments on a home. “Many couples are already living together, so there is less of a need for household items,” Grumet. If couples choose to go the honeymoon or cash fund route, there’s a tactful way to approach things so the gifting is not perceived in a negative way by older guests. “For starters, use a designated platform dedicated to collecting money for a honeymoon or experience fund,” suggests Grumet. “Many wedding websites feature this on the gift registry. This way, the couple can name the experience the money will be going towards, making the guests feel like they’re contributing to an actual gift.”

Other duos are skipping the physical gift-giving element altogether. “Some couples may request ‘no gifts’ or ask that a donation be made in their name to a cause close to their heart,” adds Gottsman.

What hasn’t changed? There wasn’t and never will be a designated dollar figure when it comes to giving cash. “Guests should base their gift to the couple on their personal budgets and what they can afford, whether that’s $25 or $2,000, and not on what someone else may be giving or how much the couple are spending per head at the reception,” says Post. 

Bridal Parties Can Present a Group Gift

Then: It was customary for members of the wedding party to give individual gifts to the couple. 

Now: With the costs associated with being in a wedding party soaring, the bridesmaids and groomsmen will often opt for a group gift. “The etiquette is that a gift is still expected, but it’s much more about the gesture than the monetary value,” says Grumet. 

Modern Wedding Fashion Etiquette

Big-day fashion has become at once more laid-back and hyper-specific, thanks to the rise of more casual ensembles for the couple of the hour and more nuanced dress codes for guests. Here’s what you should expect when getting dressed for a wedding—whether it’s your own or someone else’s.

The Couple’s Attire Can Be More Laid-Back

Then: It was always expected for the bride and groom to dress formally in a wedding dress or tuxedo. 

Now: Dress codes for the bride and groom are now more relaxed and are often based on the venue type or location of the ceremony. “Formal gowns are being passed over for cocktail dresses and even sundresses in warm-weather locales,” says Gottsman. Dress codes are also becoming more flexible based on wedding themes. “For example, more casual attire is required for a beach, boho-chic, or wine country-based wedding,” notes Grotts.

Specialized Dress Codes Are Common and Mandatory

Then: For years, guests chose their own clothing based on the formality indicators in the invitation—informed by the time of day and the wording and style of invitation—unless an invitation stated it was a black-tie affair.

Now: Guests are now expected to fully support and respect the couple’s vision and preferences. “This involves accommodating their wishes regarding the attire, ensuring the wedding reflects the couple’s personal style,” says Lewis. Couples often advise on what they’d like their guests to wear—which has led to the rise of Pinterest mood boards conveyed via wedding websites—because they don’t want invitees in the same color as their wedding party—or because they want some type of cohesive look. “But I don’t advise getting super prescriptive with designations as it may come across as micromanaging, which is not the feeling you want to project to your guests. Specific colors and dress length are okay to request, but stop yourself before you start planning outfits.” 

Black Attire Is No Longer Taboo 

Then: For years, it was not looked upon favorably if guests wore black to a wedding, as the color was more suited for a funeral. It was seen as disrespectful to the couple and their relationship. 

Now: Ask anyone and they’ll agree that black is almost always an acceptable shade to wear to a wedding. “Couples have let go of that fashion tradition and in some cases, they’re even requesting their guests wear all black to the reception,” says Mae.

Formal Attire Doesn’t Equal a Formal Wedding 

Then:  Serious fashion meant serious food—if you were attending a black-tie wedding, guests expected beef filet and lobster on the menu.

Now: Today’s modern couples are not afraid to serve food that doesn’t match the formality of their reception. “The couple may suggest semi-formal or even formal attire, but then serve casual food options like burgers, tacos, pizza, and ice cream cones at the reception,” says Post. “Casual food is now making more appearances in formal spaces.”