Here's Exactly What to Do If the Mother of the Bride and the Mother of the Groom Don’t Get Along

When you get engaged, you’re not just joining your life with your partner’s life: You’re bringing your families together, too. Typically, this is a joyous occasion, though, in some cases, it’s not always super smooth sailing. Wedding planning can be stressful, especially when you’re trying to stick to a budget, honor each other’s traditions and religion, navigate the guest list, and keep everybody happy—namely, your mothers.

If your mothers are butting heads over seating charts, guest lists, and everything in between, it’s important to recognize that emotions tend to run high during wedding planning, and that can definitely increase tension between families. It's also crucial to know when to step in and when to stay out of it. “When navigating conflicts between mothers, the engaged couple should recognize that their mothers are adults capable of managing their disagreements,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Beverley Andre. “It's tempting to take sides, but it's crucial to weigh the consequences of getting involved in a situation that primarily affects the two mothers.” 

Below, here’s what to do when the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom don’t get along—and how to keep the peace without losing yourself in the process.

Recognize Where the Disconnect Is Happening

Not all personality types gel together, and that could be what’s going on with the mother of the bride and mother of the groom—especially if their communication and conflict styles and approaches differ, says Andre. “There is also a change in guard within the family hierarchy where they struggle to adapt to the shift in power dynamics and how much influence they have over their respective child and couple regarding decisions around the wedding,” she explains. Cultural or religious differences may play a role, too. “The two families may struggle with compromising around combining their respective traditions,” Andre adds.

With all this in mind, try and identify the exact pain points that are causing your mothers to disagree. If you can figure out where the disconnect is happening, it could help you fix the issue before it gets worse.

Set Boundaries

Everyone wants to help bring your wedding dreams to life, but sometimes you need to say “no thanks” and set clear boundaries, especially with eager (and sometimes pushy!) parents. “I recommend setting clear boundaries with each other and respective family members to clearly define roles and responsibilities to prevent unnecessary conflicts over decision-making,” says Andre. “Once the couple has established and communicated clear boundaries, they can involve family members meaningfully, such as delegating tasks or inviting input.” 

Don't Take Sides

It can be tempting to stick with your parent and take their side in any potential disagreements, but Andre advises being aware of “triangulation, where the mothers involve their child in the conflict to mitigate tension with the other mother.” Getting involved could just make things worse in the long run—so before you jump in, walk away, take a deep breath, and re-approach the situation with a more level head.

Encourage Your Moms to Talk It Out

Resist the urge to play mediator and instead try and get your mothers to talk things through together. To make this easier, Andre recommends fostering a supportive environment as much as you can; let your parents know you hear their concerns and want to find a solution that makes everyone happy.

Know When to Intervene

If the conflict between your parents is starting to impact your relationship, Andre advises intervening with caution. Divide and conquer; if it’s your mother causing the issues, you should go to her, and your partner should do the same for their parent. “By directly communicating with their designated parent, the couple can manage the issue effectively without escalating tensions further,” Andre shares. 

As stated above, it’s also important to know when to step in and when to let things slide. “If the conflict seems minor or doesn't directly impact the engaged couple, let things go and allow the parents to resolve their differences independently,” Andre advises.

Prioritize Communication as a Couple

Potential conflict between your parents isn’t an easy thing to navigate, so Andre recommends prioritizing clear, open communication not just with your parents, but as a couple too. “Setting this practice fortifies the foundation of communication going into their marriage, where they can process information together, share their thoughts and needs, and then communicate to their families what their joint decisions are,” she explains.

Be sure to use “I” statements in these private conversations and try not to blame each other for what’s going on. “Listening to each other's perspectives and validating feelings builds trust and unity.” Use these one-on-one discussions to talk about possible solutions and remember what’s really important: your relationship with each other. “Reaffirming their commitment as a team, they can assure each other of their readiness to face challenges together, including those involving their parents,” says Andre. If needed, call in a therapist for extra support.