How to Navigate Wedding Planning With Your Child's Future In-Laws

While it’s the couple’s big day, many to-be-weds enlist their parents’ help when conceptualizing and executing the vision for their nuptials. Because hosting an event as large and complex as a wedding is an unfamiliar experience for most—coupled with an extensive to-do list and a hefty price tag—your child will probably rely on your trusted advice and experience in order to make their dream a reality. Whether you stand on the sidelines and assist your daughter or son whenever they ask or you take on more of an active role that entails regularly attending meetings and making decisions ultimately depends on everyone’s wishes. Per Genevieve de la Cruz, founder and lead planner of Events by Genevieve, your level of involvement will vary depending on the couple’s wishes, your willingness to assist, and your financial contribution. That last piece is important: Generally speaking, contributing money towards the big day might get you some say, but it’s ultimately up to the engaged couple to determine how involved parents will be, if at all.

Assuming the couple is open to input from parents, both sides of the family might help the duo select a venue, establish a budget, assemble the guest list, share their opinions on outfits, and host pre- and post-wedding events; there are also certain tasks that each set of parents will separately work on, according to Oniki Hardtman, founder and creative director of Oh Niki Occasions. Since the bride’s side of the family traditionally covers the bulk of the wedding’s costs, they might weigh in throughout the planning process, overseeing the day-of details and décor. Meanwhile, the groom’s side of the family customarily pays for the rehearsal dinner and the alcohol and entertainment at the reception, among other expenses, meaning they may be most involved in selecting the tablescape and menu for the pre-wedding party, plus helping choose the bartender and band for the post-ceremony celebration. 

Since you won’t be the only one helping your child pull off the affair, having another set of ideas and opinions from your child’s future in-laws can easily result in conflict. With different expectations, values, and family traditions—compounded by the stress and pressure that comes with orchestrating a wedding—clashing is common, according to marriage and family therapist Elizabeth Mahaney. The key is responding to the friction in an effective way, so it doesn’t interfere with the planning process or overshadow your child’s big day.

To create a seamless, stress-free wedding-planning experience for all, we asked professional wedding planners and therapists to share their top tips for navigating wedding planning with your child’s future in-laws.

How to Navigate Wedding Planning With Your Child’s Future In-Laws

Your child might be the one inheriting a new set of in-laws, but these people are about to be part of your life, too. Approaching wedding planning in a way that sets a strong foundation for future interactions is key—after all, if things start off on a contentious note now, it’s likely that the relationship will continue to go down that path. 

Organize a Meeting Early On

Have you still not met your child’s future in-laws? If so, Hardtman and de la Cruz both recommend organizing a meeting that both sets of parents and the couple attend shortly after the happy pair gets engaged. Use this time together not just for introductions, but also, to get everyone on the same page about their wedding-related responsibilities from the very beginning. “When the conversation is had openly and honestly amongst all parties up front, then the couple can more easily move forward in their planning once everyone is on the same page,” Hardtman explains. “This also makes things better for your wedding planner to have this knowledge up front, so that we know who to have certain conversations with instead of others.” The planner suggests holding this meeting in one of your homes or at a restaurant, creating a cozy, intimate environment where everyone feels comfortable sharing their voice. 

Discuss the Impact of Your Financial Contribution

Typically, the parents who are funding most of the wedding tend to have more of a say in the planning process, but even if you’re spending more money on the celebration, don’t assume that your opinion reigns supreme. To eliminate potential confusion and conflict over your level of involvement, make sure you and your child’s future in-laws discuss how your monetary contribution will affect your planning contribution—if at all. If you aren’t spending any money on your child’s wedding, Hardtman warns against feeling entitled to make decisions simply because you are their parent.

Divide Up the Tasks

In order to move forward with the planning process, one of the most important topics of discussion is who will be responsible for which tasks. Make sure that you, your child, and the other family establish clear roles to eliminate conflict and boost efficiency, according to Mahaney. Whether or not traditional roles and monetary involvement will affect the distribution of labor, Mahaney advises tackling duties that cater to your interests, strengths, and values.

Accept That Conflict Is Normal

Whether it’s during the initial meeting or throughout the planning process, if an argument breaks out among you and your child’s future in-laws, remind yourself that disagreements are normal. This state of mind will prevent the squabble from slowing down your progress and overshadowing the couple’s day. “Predicting these clashes will not bring them on, but it will give them less power over you,” says Susan Hartman Brenizer, licensed marriage and family therapist. If conflict emerges, Hartman Brenizer suggests taking a deep breath and regrouping before responding.

Be Willing to Compromise

It’s completely understandable that you would want your child’s wedding to incorporate your unique family traditions or take place at your preferred religious house of worship, but with two different backgrounds, it’s unrealistic to expect that you’ll get your way all the time. Instead, Mahaney encourages you to compromise with your daughter or son’s future in-laws. “Focus on finding common ground and solutions that satisfy everyone involved,” she recommends. “This can help align your priorities and reduce conflicts.” 

Spend Time With One Another Outside of Wedding Planning

To make the wedding-planning process more agreeable and filled with synergy, get to know your child’s future in-laws outside of the context of wedding planning. “Find out where commonalities may lie and start to build your relationship on that,” Hardtman advises. Spending time with one another will help you understand who they are and what their priorities for the wedding mean to them. By fostering your connection with one another, not only will organizing the big day be more enjoyable, but so will future encounters.  

Foster an Empathetic Environment

Throughout the planning stages, whenever you communicate with your child’s future in-laws, Mahaney recommends demonstrating empathy, which entails putting yourself in their shoes. As they express their concerns or desires, the therapist instructs you to listen without judgment, respect their perspective (even if you don’t necessarily agree with it), and express your thoughts and opinions respectfully. This will create a safe space where everyone feels heard and valued.

Set Your Own Needs Aside

At the end of the day, the wedding is a reflection of your child and their future spouse, so try your best to put your own desires for their big day aside. While you and the other set of parents will play a role in planning the celebration, the couple’s requests matter most. By making decisions in your child’s best interest, the experience will be more pleasant for everyone involved.

How to Deal If Your Child’s Future In-Laws Make Wedding Planning Difficult

Even if you follow all of the above tips in order to create an agreeable environment, you may nonetheless deal with certain personalities that make wedding planning difficult. If that’s the case, here’s how to respond.

Put Yourself in Their Shoes

Taking the high road isn’t always the easiest thing to do, but it will help you avoid escalating the situation. Instead of taking offense to their demands or reacting to their unrealistic expectations, try to put yourself in their shoes. “The best way to deal with difficult people in general is to try to use empathy and understanding as much as possible,” Mahaney points out. “Most of the time, all big reactions or attacks are unskilled ways of trying to get needs met.” By trying to empathize with your child’s future in-laws, you’ll better understand their behavior, and it won’t elicit an emotional response as easily.

Set Boundaries

If your child’s future in-laws are adamant about choosing the venue, designing the seating chart, or creating the playlist—without considering your input or, most importantly, the couple’s—Hartman Brenizer advises setting boundaries. “Say what you mean—in a kind way—but state it clearly,” she says. For instance, if they want your child and their child to throw the wedding at their home, express how you feel about the situation and share your needs and requests in a respectful manner.

Focus on Your Child

Your child’s future in-laws might be making wedding planning more difficult, but instead of spending all of your time and energy stewing, focus on your child and their needs. This will help you recenter yourself and remind you of what really matters. If your daughter or son is the recipient of their future in-laws’ poor treatment, Hardtman recommends emotionally supporting them and letting them know when it’s appropriate and when it’s useless to speak up.  

Seek Professional Help

If your child’s future in-laws are unbearable to deal with and tensions continue to rise, consult a professional, whether that be the couple’s wedding planner or a therapist. “A neutral third party can offer valuable insights, mediate disputes, and help keep the planning process on track,” Mahaney says.