5 Ways to Practice Reciprocity in Your Relationship, According to an Expert

While the idea of reciprocity may sound like something from the business world—rather than a romantic way to describe your relationship—it can be a helpful barometer to define what an ideal partnership looks like. In a reciprocal relationship, you and your partner have shared respect, prioritize thoughtful communication, and intentionally support one another in your personal and professional lives. Rather than being too focused or centered around one individual’s needs and experiences within the dynamic, both people feel cared for and loved. It’s a simple concept, but it can be a difficult one to maintain and build. 

Ultimately, every relationship you have is built around how you and another person behave toward one another. But while more casual relationships, such as the ones you have with your coworkers or friends, may not require reciprocity, a romantic relationship is healthiest when anchored by a sense of mutual give-and-take. For example, you may have a friend from college who spends the bulk of your time together talking about their own life—instead of asking about yours. And while this behavior can be frustrating, it likely isn’t grounds for completely terminating the friendship. However, if your long-term partner exhibited the same tendency, that could be an indication that you’re in an unhealthy (or even toxic) relationship. 

Here, we dive deeper into the importance of a reciprocal relationship—and break down five ways to foster a sense of reciprocity in your partnership. 

What Is a Reciprocal Relationship?

In a relationship, reciprocity is that shared, equal give-and-take where each partner supports the other with deliberate and purposeful behaviors. “A reciprocal relationship is built on healthy communication, trust, and vulnerability by both parties,” says Akua K. Boateng, Ph.D., LPC, a psychotherapist and therapeutic coach. “Each partner strives to listen, support and love their mate with intentionality.”

What Does Reciprocity Look Like in Relationships?

When you’re not in a reciprocal relationship, it may feel as though you and your partner are on uneven footing: One person may put in more effort than the other, only prioritize their own needs, or even completely disregard their partner’s feelings. In such a dynamic, it can often seem as though one person holds all of the power, control, and airtime. 

On the other hand, in a reciprocal relationship, you and your partner both feel heard and understood—and prioritize two-way communication on a consistent basis. “You are in a reciprocal relationship if, when you express joys or pains, you feel heard and received by your partner,” Boateng says. “They exhibit concern for your experience and seek to find ways of comfort and celebration.” Know that being in a reciprocal relationship doesn’t mean you won’t encounter conflicts with your partner. Rather, when you do have arguments, you’ll be able work through your problems in a healthy way that is governed by a sense of mutual respect. “During conflict, you are able to not only express your concerns but validate your partner’s concerns with genuine empathy and regard,” says Boateng. “If you express a need to your partner, they do their best to meet that need, and vice versa.”

5 Ways to Practice Reciprocity in Relationships 

Want to ensure your partnership is a reciprocal relationship? Consider improving upon or implementing this type of support into your dynamic with these five intentional behaviors, all recommended by Boateng.

Ask About Your Partner’s Needs

Be careful to avoid automatically assuming that your behavior is making your partner feel loved and appreciated. Instead, carve out time to specifically check in with them about whether you’re meeting their emotional needs. “Regularly ask your partner if their needs are being met,” says Boateng. “For example, during date night, ask how they are feeling about the relationship and if they have feedback for you.” And when they do express a concern, be sure to listen and take accountability. 

Be Empathetic—Even During Conflict

It’s easy to let your own feelings of anger, sadness, or distress take center stage during a disagreement. However, building a reciprocal relationship means thinking about not only your own viewpoint but also that of your partner. “When you are upset, don’t forget to make room for your partner’s experience,” Boateng says. She recommends turning to the following sentence to help structure your conversation: “This is how I feel, tell me what it felt like on your side of the issue.” By giving yourself and your partner time and space to express your thoughts, you’re prioritizing healthy communication—and a reciprocal relationship. 

Connect Every Day

Consistency, particularly when it comes to communication, is key in any dynamic. Make a point of having a daily check-in in which you and your partner have dedicated, screen-free time to discuss current challenges you’re facing, as well as wins you’ve experienced, Boateng says. These conversations, which she refers to as “daily download chats,” will allow you to deepen your connection to one another and offer support as needed. 

Be Grateful

In a non-reciprocal relationship, one person tends to simply respond to the support, encouragement, and appreciation their partner offers them—without giving or initiating any in return. To avoid falling into this trap, Boateng recommends practicing “spontaneous gratitude.” “Tell your partner how you feel about them, and show gratitude for how they are showing up in your life,” she says. By doing so, you’ll help ensure that you’re in a dynamic built around mutual support and love for one another. 

Work on Yourself

Having regular conversations about how you’re meeting your partner’s needs (or not) is a start, but reciprocity also means you have to make an intentional effort to accommodate what they require in your dynamic. In addition to your daily check-ins, Boateng recommends reserving time on the calendar to touch base on a monthly basis. “Have monthly chats about areas of challenge in the relationship and show a genuine desire to improve them,” she says. “Spend time in constructive dialogue about the relationship.” By doing so, you’ll be able to grow as a couple—and ensure your partnership is built to last.