How to Have Better Conversations With Your Partner—Especially If You've Been Together Forever

Let's face it: We've all seen those silent couples sitting across from each other at dinner or that duo in the airport who don't exchange two words before they board the same flight. And though it’s easy to judge and assume that they’ve just stopped making an effort, the truth is, it can be really difficult to keep the conversation alive in a relationship—especially if you've been dating or married for a very long time. There's a good chance that it wasn't always like this; in those first few months (or years), it might have felt like the conversation would never end But after five, eight, or 10 years, it’s completely normal to find yourself running short on words from time to time. The good news? This is common across most relationships and simply means that it’s time to reignite that conversational spark.

According to Dr. Callisto Adams, Ph.D., a dating and relationship expert, one way to amp up your discussions is to talk about anything and everything. "When in a long-term relationship with a partner, we tend to sometimes forget the importance of talking, sharing, and verbal communication in general," she says. "Talking about everything means sharing details from your day, expressing your thoughts, talking about something that bothers you, or something that brings you joy. Everything."

But first things first: It's critical to admit that you and your partner have fallen into a bit of a conversational rut. After you own it, and once you've decided that it's time to take action, there are several simple tweaks that'll have you on your way and chatting up a storm. Interested in learning more? Ahead, here are five tips on how to have better conversations with your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together.

Change Up Your Routine

If there’s one thing that can cause a rut—any kind of rut—it’s familiarity. If you eat the same meal at the same table, take the same walk at the same time, or buy the same things at the same store, you’ll run out of things to discuss. Making just a few small changes (like a totally new activity, a new restaurant, or a new holiday spot) can make all the difference. Not only will it help shift you out of your comfort zone, but the new element itself will also give you something fresh to talk about. And sometimes? That initial switch-up is all it takes for those conversational floodgates to open up.

Come Up With a List of Questions for Deeper Connection

Sometimes, we’ve been with someone for so long that we start to assume that we know how they feel or how they always think. Not only does that stop the flow of conversation, but it can also take a toll on your relationship and stop you from connecting. To rectify this, go back to basics and ask the kind of questions you would at the beginning of a relationship.

If you're hoping to really jumpstart your chats, it can't hurt to prepare; putting together a list of questions designed to foster conversation and improve your connection is a great place to start. A good rule of thumb is to lead with open-ended queries that begin with "Tell me about...," "How do you feel about...," or "What was it like when..." These open the door for elongated answers and allow ample room for meaningful segues. You might only get through a few before a tangent takes over—and before you know it, it's two hours later. To help you get started, we put together a list of questions and thought-starters to try. Use them to have better conversations with your partner. And remember that asking a mix of questions—some tough, some easy—can really get the conversation going and allow for a more nuanced flow.

• What are your hopes for the next five years?
• What’s your biggest fear at the moment?
• What can I do to make your life better?
• Tell me about your all-time favorite childhood memory.
• What's the most romantic thing that has ever happened to you?
• What do you like most about yourself? What do you like most about me?
• If you could live anywhere, where would it be? Why?
• Tell me about your first concert.
• What's your most embarrassing high-school memory?
• Is this what you thought your life might look like? How is it different?
• What's your favorite family tradition?
• How do you think you express anger?
• If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
  

Open Up

Similarly, one of the best things for communication is reciprocity. If you feel like your conversation has stalled, set a good example. Delve deep into what’s on your mind, volunteer information, and share what’s bothering you. Don’t be afraid to share your difficult and negative thoughts, as well as the positive ones. This is your partner, after all, and you can feel comfortable opening up, even if the subject matter isn’t easy.

When talking about difficult situations, Dr. Adams advises couples to be mindful of their initial reactions. "Reacting negatively to a concern your partner has expressed can lead to your partner not feeling free to express their concerns again," she shares. "That harsh, overly-defensive, and negative approach to each other’s concerns tends to cut the pathways of communication, making you or your partner harder to reach out to when in need of comfort, reassurance, or explanations—eventually leading to stop communication due to fear of overreaction and magnifying of issues or debates."

Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Even though we often think about good communication as having these huge, meaningful discussions, it actually is a lot simpler than that. The building blocks of those big conversations are much smaller, and they're found in all of the little connections you have throughout the day. So make sure you stay in touch and keep connected to each other, whether that’s having a quick chat in the morning, sending text messages, or chatting during an occasional impromptu phone call. They're little gestures, but they make a big difference in the long run. And though it may take some time to get used to, touching base and keeping the lines of communication open will make it so much easier to have those bigger conversations later.

Be Present When Communicating

This should go without saying, but put your phone away. If you feel like your communication is lagging—or you just want to keep it as good as it can be—technology is your enemy. To really get into those meaty, fulfilling talks, you need each other's undivided attention, so your phone shouldn’t be face-up on the table. In fact, it shouldn’t be on the table at all. Put it away in your pocket or, even better, in the next room.

In general, if you’ve been together for a long time, it’s totally natural for the conversation to slip a little bit, so don’t stress if you feel like it’s reached a lull. Instead, focus on reconnecting. It won’t take much to have that conversation flowing again.