Should I Break Up With My Partner? Here's When to Part Ways—and When to Stick It Out

It's the unfortunate reality of life: Breakups happen. However, deciding when—and how—to call things off with someone you care about and have devoted time to can be a challenging decision. Maybe you got into an explosive fight and are reevaluating whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Or maybe you've been feeling like there's something missing in your relationship for a while. You may find yourself avoiding them—or just wanting to spend more time around other people. Regardless of the circumstances that brought you here, a similar set of questions is likely bouncing around your head: Should I break up with my boyfriend or girlfriend? Should I break up with my partner? It's not an easy decision—and figuring out what you want to do can be a particularly difficult process.

Sometimes, breaking up is the right thing to do for a relationship. If you're feel disconnected on a regular basis or find yourself unable to have tough conversations with your partner, that could be an indication that calling it quits may be best, says Rebecca Marcus, LCSW, a holistic psychotherapist and a dating and relationship expert. However, if you find yourself in such a place but want to put in the work to better your communication skills and have those hard conversations, you may be able to preserve the relationship, she adds.

Ultimately, remember that it's okay to break up with someone if they're not the right person for you. Below, experts in the world of relationships and dating break down how to know when it might be time to call it quits, as well as a few signs that it may not be time to walk away just yet.

When to Break Up With Your Partner

You're Fighting All the Time

Having disagreements with your partner from time to time is normal. No two individuals can always agree on every topic. However, problems arise when arguments are happening too often. Healthy relationships require strong communication—and the ability to approach problems as a team. "Every couple has different reasons and assigns different purposes to fighting or arguing," says Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., a professor and chair of the counseling and higher education department at Northern Illinois University. "Conflict happens in every relationship, but if neither you nor your partner is using the conflict as a motivator to change your behaviors to enrich the connection and the relationship, that’s not a good use of differences in opinion."

If you're constantly at odds with your partner, you may find yourself feeling angry—or being in a generally bad mood—often. Remember that fights that go unresolved aren't productive to a healthy relationship. Rather than spending your days arguing, it might be time to consider breaking up.

You Feel Taken for Granted 

When your partner's actions make it seem like he or she doesn't care about your feelings, you may feel taken for granted. Their needs shouldn't always come before yours: An equitable balance is necessary. Being in a healthy relationship requires making each other a priority, and that can't happen when one person feels like they're being taken for granted.

When you can't support your partner, "you are communicating that it’s not worth your time and energy," says Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D, a licensed psychotherapist. "This makes your loved one feel invalid. If you can’t be there for your other half, and don’t care to change, it’s time to leave." When you're on the receiving end of someone's halfhearted efforts, it can make you feel unimportant. If your partner doesn't pay attention to you—or seem to care whether you're around—believe them.

You're Not Yourself

To be truly vulnerable and connected with another person, you should be free to be yourself—rather than pretending to be the person your partner wants you to be. Do you feel comfortable opening up to them? If not, you could be denying yourself your own needs. Bringing out the best in each other means being your authentic selves. If you find yourself hiding what's really on your mind, changing who you are, or acting in different ways than you would with your closest friends and family, the relationship could be wrong for you. Your partner should inspire you to be the happiest, most genuine version of yourself.

You Want Different Things

When you think about your future together, do your life goals align? Children, career aspirations, where you want to live, and even devotion to friends or family are common expectations that couples disagree on. "There will be times where you might feel like you and your partner are on different wavelengths, or living parallel lives rather than intersecting lives," says Degges-White. While it's normal to go through lulls in relationships, you'll need to determine if this period is temporary or if you truly want different things in the long run.

She recommends imagining how your life would be different if your partner wasn't a part of it: Would your plans change drastically, or are your futures similar? If you want children one day and he or she doesn't, this major difference in your priorities can lead to heartache down the road. While it's tough to break up with someone you love, you owe it to yourself to find someone who wants the same things as you.

There Are Red Flags

Be mindful of any red flags in your relationship. While everyone has their faults, make sure that you're not dismissing toxic behaviors, such as them stonewalling or gaslighting you on a frequent basis. If your significant other tries to control you, refuses to introduce you to important people in his life, or betrays your trust, that could be an indication that you're not in a healthy relationship. When you're experiencing these behaviors, alarm bells should go off. Consistent dishonesty is another red flag to be aware of; if you feel you can't trust what your partner says, this is almost always a sign to walk away.

You're With Them for the Wrong Reasons

When you first started dating, did your heart flutter when you saw him—or were you just happy to find a companion? It's important to be honest with yourself. Many people are afraid of being single, or have low self-esteem that makes them feel like they can't do better. You might even worry that you're running out of time to find someone. But in the end, life is full of ups and downs. You can find the right relationship at any time in your life; it just won't happen when you're focusing on someone else. If you're with him for the wrong reasons, you owe it to your partner (and yourself) to respectfully break up.

You deserve to be with the partner of your dreams. Ultimately, it's important to consider what's in your own best interest. If you do decide to break up, be understanding and kind. In the long run, it could lead you both to happier lives.

When You Shouldn't Break Up With Your Partner Just Yet

It's important to note that even the strongest couples wonder whether or not their relationship might be sustainable, so you shouldn't necessarily jump to sever the connection if you're having these thoughts. Remember that ebbs and flows are ultimately part of any partnership: "Even people in healthy and happy relationships have points where they may consider ending the relationship or wonder if the connection is sustainable," says Elizabeth Overstreet, an author, speaker, certified coach, and relationship strategist. "As a relationship matures, there will be times when we feel closer to our significant other and times when they test our patience—which makes us reconsider the relationship."

It's important to be "clear and realistic" about these ups and downs, adds Overstreet, who notes that there is a "difference between struggling in a relationship and being in a toxic relationship." If you're currently navigating a difficult phase, remember that you just might come out stronger on the other side. "These scenarios strengthen your relationship if you learn to lean into one another's strengths versus focusing on how your partner isn't doing something the way you might want or prefer it to be done or being hyper-critical of one another," she says. "The key in these moments is to see if certain things are intact in your relationship." To do so, ask yourself these questions:

• Will learning to work together through these difficulties strengthen your relationship? 
• Are you able to trust one another and have open communication? 
• Are you willing to have someone, such as a therapist, counselor, coach, etc., intervene to help you work through these differences?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, it may not be time to break up just yet. "Struggle and growth might feel uncomfortable, but it is also part of the normal 'stretching' of the relationship," Overstreet says. "So, if this is happening in your relationship, this is part of the struggle—but not necessarily a reason to end things."