10 Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship—And How to Get Out of One

Regardless of whether it's physical, emotional, or psychological, abuse is never okay. However, sometimes, the first can easier to identify than the latter two. When you—or someone you love—experiences psychological or emotional abuse, you may endure manipulation, gaslighting, and even stonewalling. "If someone is physically violent, that is overt and obvious," says Sherry Benton, Ph.D, a psychology and mental health expert. "Emotionally abusive relationships are more subtle." Oftentimes, these partnerships can be great at the start—and then take a turn, she adds. "Each time, you're getting more adapted to the negative patterns, so it gets more difficult to see—as well as to leave," she says.

It can also be difficult for victims to identify the harmful effects of emotionally abusive relationships until it's too late. "There's this story that [says] if you toss a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will scramble to get out," Benton says. "But if you put the frog in while the water is still cold—and slowly raise the temperature—the frog will [stay] until it is boiled to death. The same kind of thing can happen in relationships." Even without physical violence, emotional abuse can be just as destructive to someone's sense of self and overall well-being.

Even though it can be difficult, it's possible to identify and recognize the signs of an emotionally abusive relationship. To help you do just that, we spoke with Benton, as well as other experts, to break down the toxic patterns and behaviors to look out for. Read on to learn about the warning signs of emotional abuse, as well as how to get out of this type of relationship.

10 Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Emotional abuse occurs when one person attempts to dominate the other in a relationship. If you're worried that you or someone you love may be a victim of this type of toxic behavior, look out for these common signs.

Control

Control can appear in many forms. It may look like your partner being overly invested in your social life or policing your daily routine. You may not have the freedom to make your own choices (either overtly or subtly). Your partner might also make comments that undermine your independence.

Yelling

While it's normal for partners to raise their voices occasionally, disagreements should not regularly escalate into shouting when you're in a healthy partnership. "Yelling can be a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship if it's constant," says Wale Okerayi, a licensed mental health therapist. "It's really difficult to work through a disagreement if either one person or both people are yelling. It doesn't create a safe place for both parties to feel heard and seen. Also, depending on the person, yelling can instill fear and that can end up silencing them." This type of behavior also frequently creates an imbalance of power in the dynamic, as only the loudest person is heard.

Contempt

When one partner feels contempt or hatred for the other, it's not easy for either person to express their feelings. In a healthy partnership, there's an expectation that your partner will listen and be respectful toward you, Benton says. As a result, if they regularly respond to your needs with mean-spirited sarcasm, arrogance, disgust, or apathy, this may be a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship.

Excessive Defensiveness

You shouldn't feel as though you constantly have to defend yourself in your relationship. Instead, there should always be room for positive communication, where you feel as though you can speak openly with your partner. Excessive defensiveness can feel like you're in a battle where your shield is always up—and could be a mechanism you've developed to combat emotional abuse, Benton says.

Threats

If your partner is threatening you in any way, that is clear sign of emotional abuse. Threats may look like coercive "if, then" statements, blackmail, warnings of physical harm or suicide, or other intimidating remarks.

Stonewalling

When one person in a dynamic refuses to communicate with the other, that is considered stonewalling—a defense mechanism that can severely harm any relationship. If your partner shuts down uncomfortable conversations, it may feel like abandonment, which can also be a form of emotional abuse. Their refusal to discuss issues may come across as rejection or a lack of concern for your feelings.

Blame

Victims of emotionally abusive relationships are often made to believe that they cause—and therefore deserve—their own abuse and unhappiness, making the cycle much more difficult to break. This can be exacerbated by the shame that many victims feel for letting their abuse continue.

Gaslighting

A form of psychological manipulation, gaslighting causes victims to doubt their memories, judgment, and sanity. If you find that your concerns are frequently dismissed as "false," "stupid," or "crazy," you may be a victim of emotional abuse.

"Gaslighting is a really damaging and manipulative tactic that one uses in order to shift the power dynamic in any relationship," Okerayi says. "It is emotionally abusive due to the fact that it invalidates a person's experience and instills doubt in their truth. The impacts of this can be low self-esteem, anxiety, and insecurity."

Isolation

Perpetrators of emotional abuse often make their victims feel as though there's no else in their circle to support them. "Isolation is a big tactic used by abusers in order to make you feel like they are the only one who loves and cares for you," Okerayi says. "By completely relying on them, they end up having a lot of emotional power over you so that even if people reach out to support you, it will be difficult to accept their love and support."

Volatility

Your relationship shouldn't feel like a roller coaster. While many couples experience natural highs and lows over the course of their partnership, those dips shouldn't harm one partner or the other. Volatile abusers often shower their victims with gifts and affection following an outburst, only to become angry again shortly after.

What to Do If You've Experienced Emotional Abuse

In healthy relationships, disagreements are seen as an opportunity for growth, as both partners make an effort to find common ground, Benton says. "It's not that people in healthy relationships don't have disagreements; they do. They have just as many as people in bad relationships," she says. "The difference is what they do with those conflicts."

One of the common denominators of many emotionally abusive relationships is the presence of mind games, Benton adds. For example, you may be surprised by your partner's sudden pleasant mood, or confused by bouts of unexpected love. "You know you can't trust it because they're going to go back to being demeaning and belittling," Benton says. "You're constantly on this emotional roller coaster with them."

If you're ready to leave your emotionally abusive partner, but unsure when and how to do so, compare your current relationship with what you want in the future. Ask yourself the same questions you'd ask a friend. "Look around and find a relationship that you can imagine yourself wanting," Benton says, noting that picturing how a relationship should be can help you realize you're not getting what you want. And remember that not every dynamic will look like a romantic comedy. She recommends thinking of "real people, who really struggle with each other, and who really work on things together."

Understanding what you need can help you leave such a toxic dynamic. Does your current partner make you feel better about yourself? "[Your relationship] should make you feel secure, supported, and connected, and if that's not what you're getting, you're probably getting more pain than love and growth," Benton says. Consider seeking help from friends, family, or a professional to help you take the necessary next steps toward ending the dynamic, You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for expert advice on how to navigate your specific situation.

How to Rebuild Self-Love After Emotional Abuse

When leaving an abusive partner, remind yourself of who you are. Show yourself compassion—and remember that no one willingly chooses abuse. "The great thing is that these difficult experiences help us build character, strength, and resilience," says Kelly McNelis, an author, speaker, coach, and women's advocate. "By diving into our experience and choosing to learn from trauma, we can come out on the other side more powerful, and in a position to stand up for others in similar situations."

It's never easy to come to terms with being abused. However, don't place blame on yourself. Moving on is something to be proud of. "Choose to claim your self-worth and recognize your courage—both in the moment of your experience and in the aftermath," McNelis says. "Rather than dwelling on what you could've done better, [think about how] every moment in life gives you the opportunity to start over."

Why Do People Stay in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

Seeing someone you love experience abuse can be painful, even when you're not the one being hurt. If you suspect a friend or loved one is in an emotionally abusive relationship, Benton suggests being supportive without explicitly judging them for staying. "Educate yourself about abuse: What it is, what it entails, and how people who are under its thumb think, feel, and behave," McNelis says. "This will help you put yourself in the shoes of the person you love, and understand what they're going through. All too often, people on the outside cast judgments upon the person without any idea of what they're going through, and what their legitimate reasons might be for [staying]."

Remember that their decision to leave isn't up to you. The best thing you can do is listen and hold space for your loved one. "By allowing for the experience and witnessing their truth—while also championing their courage, and capacity to do what's right for them—you'll help them discover their own lessons, wisdom, and voice," McNelis says. "You can also gently nudge them toward resources, [but] this can't be something you force upon them; it always needs to come from their choice alone."