What Is Sexual Tension? 10 Top Signs to Look Out for, According to an Expert

Maybe you brush hands with a friend and feel a spark—or you find yourself maintaining prolonged eye contact with your partner from across the room. While you may not know exactly how to define sexual tension, you often know it when you feel it. “Sexual tension is an exciting and intense desire between two people that is often unspoken,” says Chamin Ajjan, a licensed clinical social worker and AASECT-certified sex therapist. “It’s a thrilling vibe based on physical chemistry, characterized by flirtation—ranging from a glance or a brush past each other to playful teasing. Anticipation and longing can fuel this tension, especially when there are barriers or obstacles that prevent acting on the desire.”

Let's be clear: Sexual tension isn’t necessarily the same thing as having a crush or even a romantic attraction. Oftentimes, this type of feeling can be purely physical. However, it can also be present in a long-term committed relationship. Here, Ajjan breaks down the common signs of sexual tension, as well as what to do when you experience it.

Is Sexual Tension the Same as Romantic Attraction?

Not necessarily. While sexual tension can be part of a committed relationship, you can also feel it with someone who isn’t your partner—like a coworker, a friend, an acquaintance, or even a stranger. “Sexual tension can be superficial and not necessarily based on emotional attachment or a deeper connection,” says Ajjan. “Romantic attraction is based on emotional connection, affection, mutual interests, shared experiences, deeper feelings, and a desire to build something meaningful. It is more than just physical attraction.”

Sexual tension can accompany romantic attraction within your relationship, or it can exist entirely on its own. “You can have sexual tension with someone you fundamentally don’t like,” says Ajjan. “You may want to hook up with them, but you wouldn’t want to have a deep conversation, let alone spend any meaningful time with them. Sometimes it’s just a physical [attraction].”

10 Signs of Sexual Tension

Think you may have sexual tension with someone? Here are some common signs to look out for. 

Sustained Eye Contact

Eye contact that lingers beyond a passing glance can indicate an underlying element of sexual tension, especially when accompanied by “curiosity or anticipation,” says Ajjan.

Flirting

Flirting, which Ajjan defines as “playful exchanges full of compliments, teasing, or joking that create a pull or attraction between the parties,” is a tried-and-true way to see if there’s any sexual tension between you and a potential partner.

Shortness of Breath or Increased Heart Rate

Yes, some people can literally take your breath away. “[Watch for] heavier-than-normal breathing or a rapid heartbeat when the other person is around,” says Ajjan.

Awkwardness

If you thought you’d grow out of feeling rattled in the presence of a crush after eighth grade, think again. This unease can happen even in adulthood. “You may find yourself tripping over your words, feeling nervous, or even flustered when in their presence or even thinking about them,” says Ajjan.

Touching

Physical connection is a key element of sexual tension. “This could be a casual touch, like a hand on the shoulder or brushing past each other, that lingers a little longer than usual,” says Ajjan.

Preoccupation

Getting distracted by someone you’re attracted to is also a sign of sexual tension. “You find yourself thinking or fantasizing about them throughout the day, even when you have important things to focus on,” says Ajjan.

Mirroring

Mirroring someone else’s behavior is a less obvious—but still powerful—indication of sexual tension. “This subconscious act with evolutionary roots is the act of copying each other’s body language, facial expressions, or way of speaking,” says Ajjan.

Blushing

Pink cheeks and flushed skin are classic literary tropes that foreshadow romance—but even off the page, the rush of blood to your face can be an indication of attraction and sexual tension.

Pairing Up

If you and a potential partner catch yourselves “seeking each other out,” says Ajjan, and “finding ways to be physically close, even in group settings or when there’s no logical need for proximity, almost like magnets,” this can indicate a mutual attraction. 

Arousal

“Attraction to someone can cause an involuntary response of physical arousal, such as tingling sensations, sensitivity to touch, or increased blood flow to the genitals,” Ajjan says. 

Is Sexual Tension Important to Have in a Healthy Relationship?

Healthy sexual tension with your partner supports your physical connection, a key element of any committed relationship. “Sexual tension is energy flowing and a healthy indicator that you are a human sexual being,” says Ajjan. “If it is mutual, respectful, and does not cross any boundaries, it can enhance physical connection and increase desire. People often only think of sex as the act of intercourse, but when we expand our definition of sex to include what happens in between sexual acts, it becomes clear that sexual tension can play a role in a healthy relationship. A brush past your partner in the kitchen, sensing your partner looking at you longingly, and flirty texts are all acts of foreplay that can build excitement, anticipation, and electricity, translating into an enjoyable intimate connection.”

How to Increase the Sexual Tension in Your Relationship

In long-term relationships, it’s not uncommon for sexual tension to fizzle out over time. “Mystery is a big factor in the development of sexual tension,” says Ajjan. “So when relationships become routine and some of that mystery fades, the sexual tension can disappear, too.”

Increase the sexual tension in your relationship by bringing back some of the mystery and playfulness. “Try not responding to texts immediately, or not sharing every detail of what is happening with you, to see if that can build a little intrigue and desire,” says Ajjan. “Play around with proximity and physical closeness, with light touches or sitting close enough for skin-to-skin contact (if that is appropriate). Prolonged eye contact can go a long way if it’s subtle and shows playful interest. Connect by doing something enjoyable that brings you together, and tap into that closeness to have some vulnerable conversations—openness can be pretty sexy, too.”

Is Sexual Tension Healthy Outside of a Relationship?

While it’s natural to feel attracted to people other than your partner, focusing on the sexual tension you feel with someone else can be a roadblock in your relationship. “There is a difference between attraction and action,” Ajjan says. “Sexual tension outside of your relationship becomes unhealthy when it creates distance from your partner, causes feelings of guilt or shame, crosses boundaries, or leads to infidelity.”

When you and your partner experience different amounts of sexual tension, that disconnect can also cause problems. “Sexual tension also becomes unhealthy if it is one-sided or unwanted, leading to discomfort and/or emotional distress for one or both parties,” says Ajjan. “If this is happening in your relationship, it’s a sign that a bigger conversation may be needed around intimacy and needs. If it is too challenging to have this conversation on your own, a good sex therapist can create a safe space to explore these feelings and facilitate healthy communication.”

Experiencing sexual tension with an acquaintance, friend, or coworker isn’t necessarily bad, but embracing it—or acting on it—isn’t always appropriate. “It can be unhealthy if it is present in the work environment or other settings and causes distractions or inappropriate exchanges,” says Ajjan. “Though it may be a sign of chemistry and attraction, sexual tension doesn’t mean you should pursue a relationship, or that you even want to be in one with the person you're exchanging this electricity with.”

What to Do About Sexual Tension

The question of whether or not two people should give into their attraction—or if one person should confess their feelings to the other—has inspired countless movies, books, and television cliffhangers. But in the real world, every situation is different. “Whether or not you act on sexual tension depends on context, boundaries, and relationship status,” says Ajjan. “If the feeling is mutual and consensual, it occurs in an appropriate environment, and you are not violating the boundaries of other relationships, go for it. Understanding all of this may require communication and an open discussion about these considerations, but if you are both on the same page, it could be the start of something pleasurable and exciting.”