16 Signs You Have a Fear of Commitment—And How to Overcome It

Regardless of your age or the number of relationships you've been in, you may hesitate at the thought of jumping into a new partnership. Maybe the idea of having to be there for someone terrifies you, or you worry that you wouldn't be able to retain your treasured independence. Figuring out when—and if—you're ready to commit yourself to another is tricky. Both you and your potential partner need to weigh if you're willing to take on the emotional, mental, and financial burdens that can come with being in a partnership. However, even after thinking through each of these obligations, you may find yourself still hesitant to jump into something new. And if it's not a result of your feelings, mental state, or monetary situation, it may be due to your issues with commitment.

Figuring out whether you—or a potential partner—has a fear of commitment can be tricky. That's because there are so many reasons why someone may be anxious about the concept of a monogamous relationship, says Thalia Ouimet, a professional matchmaker and dating coach. For example, someone could have commitment issues due to having no prior relationship experience, while someone else could have the same fear as a result of their divorced parents, she adds. The reasoning for this fear varies so much person to person.

However, even though identifying a fear of commitment can be challenging, it is possible. Here, Ouimet offers some signs to look for, as well as strategies on how to overcome this all-too-common feeling.

Commitment Issues: 16 Common Signs

If you suspect that you (or a potential partner) might be afraid to settle down, but you aren't entirely sure, read on for 16 common signs of commitment issues.

You Don’t Consider Your Partner When Making Plans

"Someone who doesn't think about their partner when making plans is a telltale sign that they might have a fear of commitment (or their level of interest for their partner is low)," Ouimet says. "When you’re in love with your partner, you want to include them when making plans. If you find yourself not committing to plans with your partner in hopes that someone suggests a better plan, that’s a key indicator that you aren't interested enough to be in a relationship with your partner.”

...Or When Planning for the Future

If you have a fear of commitment, you may also avoid making long-term plans with a potential partner. "Someone who doesn’t consider their partner when making future plans might be afraid of long-term commitment, which could indicate an 'avoidant' attachment style," Ouimet says. People with this attachment style often struggle to become close with a partner. Whether due to past relationships or childhood experiences, they’re more likely to avoid including others in long-term plans because they don’t necessarily believe they’ll stick around.

You're Known to Cancel Plans

Even if you do make plans, you may not be the best at keeping them. "Flaking is a sign of someone who could have a fear of commitment," Ouimet says. "Someone who constantly demonstrates flakiness could be an avoidant in all aspects of their life." While it might not seem like such a big deal to send a text saying you can’t make a movie or have to cancel a date, Ouimet says staying true to your word is vital for forming and maintaining connections—both romantic and platonic. "I would recommend committing only to the things you know for certain you can do," she says. Essentially, if you make a plan, stick to it.

You're Guilty of Ghosting

If you fear commitment, you may also struggle to maintain communication with a potential partner. You may even stop speaking to them altogether with no explanation—a phenomenon commonly known as "ghosting." "Someone who decides to ghost is not considering how that would make their partner feel," Ouimet explains. "They might be trying to take steps back to create space between them which is another indicator that this person might be afraid of commitment." If you're prone to pulling a disappearing act when things get serious, it could be a sign of a larger issue with commitment.

You’re Bad at Answering Your Phone and Texts

Do you ever forget to text someone back for an extended period of time? While everyone can slip up on a timely response occasionally, consistently choosing not to respond to a potential partner can actually be considered a form of stonewalling or manipulation in a relationship. It may also indicate an avoidant attachment style. "This person might be afraid of commitment and wants to keep a distance to prevent the relationship from getting too serious," Ouimet says. "At the end of the day, effort equals interest."

You Feel Trapped When in a Relationship

If the concept of committing to a partner makes you feel trapped instead of secure, Ouimet says it’s worth doing a little investigative work as to why this may be. "There is nothing worse than feeling unhappy and trapped, but this is an easy fix if all parties involved want to help make the relationship work," she says. Her recommendation? Start with an open conversation about your feelings—and go from there.

You Get Uncomfortable When Your Partner Expresses Their Needs and Expectations

If the idea of talking about your feelings make you feel uneasy, that could be another sign of a fear of commitment. "When you love someone full-heartedly, and you are thinking long term, then you consider their needs first, and you want to make sure that their needs are met," Ouimet says. Someone who doesn’t put their partner's needs and wants first—or people who get uncomfortable or upset when their partner expresses them—might have a fear of long-term commitment. 

While, yes, there are times when you have to prioritize yourself, if the notion of compromising or adapting with your partner stresses you out, it could be an indication of non-committal tendencies, Ouimet says.

You Often Question Whether You Want to Be With Your Partner

Thinking about whether or not you're with the right person doesn't necessarily mean you have a fear of commitment. However, constantly questioning if you want to be with anyone, no matter the relationship, can be. If you find yourself wondering if you want to be in a relationship over and over again, even when dating different people, there’s a very strong chance you have a commitment issue that should be addressed.

If you’re having a hard time figuring out if it’s just your choice of partner or an overarching fear of commitment, take inventory of how you’ve felt toward the end of relationships to see if it’s more partner- or commitment-based.

The Idea of Finding “The One” Makes You Anxious

Some believe in the notion that there’s one soulmate for everyone, while others think there are multiple right people for everyone. Regardless of which camp you consider yourself a part of, if envisioning a life of wedding anniversaries and growing old together fills you with fear instead of excitement, an underlying fear of commitment might be the issue. 

While monogamy is not for everyone, it’s a good idea to figure out if you just like being single or if you’re afraid to get close to someone, Ouimet says. "If you are anxious about dating one person and committing to that one person, I would recommend seeing a therapist to see if this is tied to your childhood, a general dislike of monogamy, or a limited belief system that you’ve created through your past experiences," she says.

You Have a History of Short Relationships

When thinking over your past relationships, Ouimet suggests comparing the timelines. If you always call it quits when things start to get serious, evaluating why you tend to do that is important. While it could be a sign that you're good at spotting red flags early on, it may also indicate a fear of getting too close to anyone. Speaking to a licensed mental health professional can help you work through the latter.

You Always Want to Keep Things Casual

Wanting to casually date doesn't mean you have a fear of commitment. However, always wanting to keep things casual may be a sign that you're afraid to commit to another person. For example, if you just moved to a new city and want to focus on making friends and familiarizing yourself with the area, your main focus may not be trying to turn your fling into a serious relationship. However, if you find that you've never felt the desire to date someone in a more committed way than going out to dinner every once in a while, consider why that is.

You’re Scared of Getting Hurt

If you had a romantic relationship in the past that ended poorly, you may be afraid of getting hurt again. And as a result, you may avoid pursuing a deep, committed dynamic. For example, if your ex cheated on you, you may have a paralyzing fear that your new partner is doing the same thing when they say they have to work late, go on a business trip, or spend time with friends. Even if these fears aren't necessarily rational or grounded in reality, you past experiences make it challenging to see otherwise. While learning how to trust new partners after a devastating heartbreak is difficult, remember that it is possible.

You Self-Sabotage

If you tend to be the one who sabotages potential relationships instead of them ending on their own, that could be an indication of a fear of commitment. For instance, you may be so happy in your relationship that you're terrified it won't last much longer, so instead of waiting around for the inevitable, you speed the process up—and do something that causes the relationship to implode.

You've Convinced Yourself That You Don't Want to Commit

When you're trying to figure out if you're afraid of commitment, it's important to reexamine how you actually view commitment. Many people who tell themselves that they don't want to be in a committed relationship are often just scared of taking this kind of leap, and, as a result, they've convinced themselves that commitment isn't something they even want. For instance, if you're excelling in your career and want to spend the next few months focusing on that aspect of your life, that's totally okay. However, if you consistently use your job as an excuse to avoid getting into a long-term relationship, that could be an sign of a larger commitment issue.

You Don't Open Up

Is it difficult or uncomfortable for you to share your feelings with others? If you're a bit cold or emotionally-detached toward people who care about you (and whom you care about as well), these feelings may go hand-in-hand with a fear of commitment. Ultimately, being vulnerable and open with your partner is a huge part of being in a relationship.

You Easily Find Faults in Others

If you're in a relationship with a partner who treats you well, but you convince yourself that it won't work out because something must be wrong with them, that could be a sign of a fear of commitment. For example, you may start harping on minor details—from taking issue with their friends to hating the way they hog the covers—in order to relieve yourself of the potential commitment.

How to Overcome Your Fear of Commitment

The first step to overcoming a fear of commitment is to acknowledge that you have it. Once you've realized that you may be afraid to settle down, speaking with a professional can help you work toward unpacking this fear. While, yes, you can try and combat it yourself, turning to someone who has the tools and education to help you break down what's happening—especially if your fear stems from a traumatic experience in your past—can be incredibly beneficial.

Additionally, consider "practicing commitment" by trying to make tangible strides toward strengthening your faith, trust, and confidence in being in a long-term relationship. Maybe you push yourself to respond to a text you've been avoiding—or try to consider a potential partner in your weekend plans. Remember that self-discovery and growth are a journey; be kind and gracious with yourself as you try to embrace the idea of commitment.