What Is Sleep Divorce? Relationship Experts Explain This Growing Trend

Sharing a bed with your significant other can be a wonderful and blissful experience. You can cuddle up with your love on a chilly night, talk about your day, unwind together with a book or favorite TV show, and hang out on weekend mornings. But if your partner snores, tosses and turns, or prefers a completely different bedtime environment than you do, trying to get a good night's sleep may be an impossible task.

Enter: the “sleep divorce,” an increasingly popular practice where married or long-term couples sleep in separate bedrooms. It’s a cheeky name that has nothing to do with actual divorce, but rather separating sleep time so both partners can get the rest they need. “Potential benefits [of a sleep divorce] include improved sleep, greater appreciation for time together, and a sense of space and freedom,” explains Dr. Michele Leno, a psychologist and relationship expert. This isn't exactly a new concept, either. In the past, many married couples slept in separate beds or bedrooms (you’ve probably seen evidence of this while watching Bridgerton).

However, it is becoming more popular today as busy couples, who need to prioritize rest, decide to split up their bedtime routine without actually splitting up. 

If "divorcing" your partner at night for the sake of good sleep seems appealing to you, we asked a few experts for their insight and advice on this growing trend. Ahead, here's everything you need to know about sleep divorce, including the pros and cons, how to know if it's right for you, tips on how to surface the subject with your partner, and advice on how to make it work for your relationship.

What Is Sleep Divorce?

Sleep divorce is the practice of two individuals—whether married or in a long-term partnership—opting to sleep in separate bedrooms. Relationship expert Dr. Nicholas “Nic” Hardy further explains, "Sleep divorce is when two people decide to sleep in separate rooms or away from each other. When a decision is made either temporarily or permanently, regardless of the reason, this can constitute a sleep divorce."

The Pros of Sleep Divorce

Sleeping in separate rooms doesn't mean you and your partner don't get along or are headed for a real divorce. It's simply a practical choice for some couples whose sleep styles are totally opposite. “The idea that couples who sleep apart are disconnected is outdated,” explains Dr. Molly Burrets, a Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist and couples therapist. “More than a third of American couples are sleeping separately to prioritize sleep quality, which can lead to better physical and mental health, and greater happiness—all of which is likely to improve relationship satisfaction.”

"There are so many benefits to a good night’s rest. When we are well rested, we have more patience and energy and can process information better. Collectively, these all have the potential to drastically improve the quality of a relationship, both directly and indirectly," adds Dr. Hardy. "As an example, these can enhance our interactions with our spouse, but also, improve our performance at work and in other relationships."

The Cons of Sleep Divorce

According to Dr. Hardy, there are several cons to sleep divorce, including feeling disconnected from your partner physically, socially, and emotionally. "The time before you fall asleep can also be valuable to your relationship, as this time is often used to communicate and connect with your spouse," he explains. "Additionally, a sleep divorce may limit the amount of closeness you experience with your partner and has the potential to disrupt physical intimacy. This physical distance can be triggering for some, and bring about unhealthy thoughts. Furthermore, if there are pre-existing challenges in the relationship, a sleep divorce may compound those issues or serve as a cover-up to avoid addressing them."

Dating and relationship expert Tanya Rad agrees, noting, "To me, there is a special bond that I feel from morning cuddles. Since I work early mornings during the week, my fiancé and I only get to that one-on-one morning time on weekends and I cherish that so much. If we were to sleep in different beds, let alone different rooms, I feel like I would miss that connection. I also find a lot of comfort in knowing my partner is sleeping in the same bed with me, it brings me a sense of peace."

How to Know If Sleep Divorce Is Right for You

Were you up all night listening to your partner snoring, and now you’re lagging at work and feeling cranky and upset? Are you tired of sleeping on the couch or waking up multiple times a night—and there’s a nice, quiet guest room sitting unused? If any of these scenarios are relatable, you may be a candidate for a sleep divorce.

Dr. Burrets recommends asking the below self-reflection questions to determine whether or not it’s time to snooze separately. “Is my sleep environment with my partner impacting me to the point I am regularly fatigued during the day? Are sleep issues causing me to feel resentful or irritable with my partner?” she advises. “Could better sleep lead to decreased conflict and greater intimacy with my partner?” If you answered yes, a sleep divorce could actually make your relationship stronger and better. Rad adds, "I believe if you’re really struggling to get a good night of sleep, maybe try the sleep divorce for a night and see how you feel."

How to Talk About Sleep Divorce With Your Partner

Before broaching the subject with your partner, ensure you have a list of key points you'd like to address—and approach the conversation honestly and openly. State your reasons for wanting separate bedrooms without blaming your partner and, instead, frame it as a beneficial thing.

“Proceed cautiously when asking for a sleep divorce, as your partner may view your request as ominous and unsettling,” says Dr. Leno. Then, be open to hearing their thoughts and discussing potential solutions together. “Prepare to clearly state your intentions and listen to your partner's feedback or concerns," Dr. Leno adds. Also, don’t bring it up when you’re exhausted and grouchy, shares Dr. Burrets; being in a bad mood could lead to conflict. “Discuss it in a neutral setting, ideally when you’re both feeling relaxed.” 

Another important tip? Make sure your partner knows this is about sleep, not intimacy or sex. “Fears that a sleep divorce will impact intimacy are legitimate. After all, sleeping apart may mean that there are fewer opportunities for spontaneous sex and less time for cuddling,” explains Dr. Burrets. “If your partner has this concern, validate their feelings and then make a case for how sleeping separately will benefit both of you.”

Dr. Burrets further notes that sleep deprivation can lower sex drive and make one or both parties irritable and apt to pick fights, so sleeping in separate rooms could actually improve your intimacy—especially if you prioritize making time for one another and remaining affectionate even when you go to bed in a different location (be sure to bring up that point). “Better sleep could improve intimacy if you implement creative strategies, such as shared time in bed before one partner moves to another room for sleep, or sleeping apart only on certain nights of the week," she explains.

How to Make Sleep Divorce Work in Your Relationship

So you and your partner have agreed to try sleep divorce—now what? "If a sleep divorce is implemented, couples can make it work by finding time to connect outside of traditional sleep hours. This can happen before they 'fall asleep' but may also include other times as well," advises Dr. Hardy. "It is important to know and understand your spouse. In that way, you can meet their specific needs and fill in any gaps as needed in other creative ways."

The relationship expert also shares that couples should always maintain open and honest communication when sleeping in separate beds at night. "Often, one partner will internalize why a sleep divorce is needed and interpret the separation inaccurately or in a way that is unhealthy to their relationship. By communicating consistently about a sleep divorce, you can actively address any concerns and make appropriate adjustments as needed," he explains.