What Are the 5 Love Languages—And Can They Improve Your Relationship?

All behavior is a form of communication, and the ways we show and feel love create a vocabulary that’s unique to every relationship. But if you and your partner aren’t in tune with what you're both trying to express, then all your best intentions are likely to get completely lost in translation. That's why understanding the five love languages is crucial to fostering a healthy and successful union—especially if you and your partner have realized that you both have different communication styles.

This begs the question, "What are the five love languages?" In 1992, pastor Gary Chapman, Ph.D., wrote The 5 Love Languages based on his years of counseling married couples. In the book, Dr. Chapman defined five specific ways that people show love or feel loved: words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. Since then, the concept of a love language has become a common pop culture trope, appearing in memes, music, and social media; the idea is rooted in helping couples communicate as effectively as possible—strengthening and improving their relationship to set them up for lifelong success and happiness.

Here, we provide insight into what the five love languages are, including tips on how to identify yours, details on why they're important to know, and information on how to incorporate them into your own love story.  

The Five Love Languages

Below, learn all about the five specific ways that people show or feel love: words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, and quality time. 

Words of Affirmation

As our primary communication method, language is a powerful tool for making us feel appreciated, motivated, and comforted. “Words of affirmation include compliments, words of support, praise, and encouragement,” says licensed clinical social worker Nicole Saunders. A sentimental note in a birthday card, a just-because love letter, an “I’m so proud of you” after you ace a presentation: All of these are words of affirmation. 

Physical Touch

Physical touch doesn’t just refer to sexual intimacy: Hugs, pats, kisses, and other forms of touch—like holding hands, giving a foot massage, or touching your partner’s back as you pass by—are also ways to show love with hands-on affection.  

Gifts

Partners who appreciate tangible items of love typically consider gifts their love language—but it’s the meaning, not always the cost, that gives these gifts value. “[Gifts are] anything purchased, found, collected, or handmade,” says Saunders. “These typically carry intention, such as a partner’s favorite flowers or a special food item from the grocery store.”

Acts of Service

Acts of service “generally alleviate a burden from your partner,” says Saunders, whether that means folding the laundry, calling the pediatrician, or (finally) cleaning out the garage. “This love language involves doing favors, taking over responsibilities, running errands, making meals, or handling tasks,” she says.

Quality Time

Shared experiences that count as quality time can pop up anywhere: A joint trip to the grocery store, running errands, a mid-afternoon coffee break on your front porch. “Quality time might involve watching a favorite TV show, cooking a meal together, chatting on the phone, cuddling in bed on a Saturday morning, or going for a walk,” says Saunders.

How Accurate Are the Five Love Languages?

Though the love languages are based on anecdotal evidence—not scientific studies—they are an accurate tool couples can use to improve their relationship, says Saunders. When you take over your partner’s least favorite chore or swap your evening doomscrolling for shared time together, for example, you’re making a noticeable attempt to connect—which can have a powerful impact.

“The effort involved in understanding your partner and expressing love in different ways strengthens both the connection and the emotional investment in the relationship,” Saunders shares. “I don’t believe the scientific validity of love languages is particularly important, nor would I suggest that using love languages alone can fix a troubled relationship. Instead, I see them as one tool in a couple’s toolbox for infusing their day with moments of love.”

How to Identify Your Love Language

The easiest way to determine your love language is by visiting the 5 Love Languages website and taking the quiz, reading books on the subject, or working with a therapist to help narrow it down, says Saunders. But, it's also often easy to tell which love language feels like yours without taking the aforementioned steps; most people intuitively understand whether they’d prefer to receive anniversary flowers or book a weekend trip, and whether they feel closer to their partner after a hug or a deep conversation.

While your love language is likely to stay fairly consistent, it can manifest in different ways in your various relationships. “Love languages apply to all types of relationships—with some adjustments,” says Saunders. “For example, physical touch will naturally differ between a romantic partner and a friend or child. However, the other love languages remain quite similar. You can show a friend love by sending an encouraging text before a big meeting, give your child a hug when they come home from school, or send your mom a pair of slippers when the weather turns chilly.”

It’s also common for us to show and feel love in more than one way: You can want your partner to drop off your online shopping returns and write you love notes. “Most people have multiple love languages,” says Saunders. “Typically, we have a primary love language—the one that is our favorite way to receive love. However, we can also have additional love languages. In my opinion, expressing and receiving love in multiple languages is ideal because it provides more opportunities to give and accept love.”

How the Five Love Languages Can Positively Help a Couple's Relationship

Identifying your love language means you’re better able to talk to current and future partners about how they can connect with you. “Understanding your own love language helps you identify potential partners who can fulfill your emotional needs easily and naturally,” says Saunders. “For example, if physical touch is important to you, and your partner instinctively greets you with a kiss and enjoys cuddling on the couch, you’re likely to feel a consistent connection.”

Saunders adds: “If you’re already in a relationship, it’s helpful to share your love language so your partner can make intentional efforts to show love in ways that resonate with you. Likewise, knowing how your partner expresses love allows you to recognize and accept affection in their unique style,” she explains. “Working together to express and accept love in various ways strengthens your bond and enhances your ability to feel loved and connected. It also reduces the frustration of thinking you're showing love, but not realizing your partner may be missing the message.”