The Difference Between Remorse and Guilt After Cheating

Finding out that you've been cheated on feels like a punch to the stomach. It erases all of the trust that you thought you and your partner built, and sometimes the damage caused can't be repaired. But if the relationship is strong enough and both partners are willing to work towards rebuilding the faith that was lost, it is possible to forgive, move forward, and build a better future. The key, however, is to be sure that your significant other truly feels remorse rather than guilt after infidelity, as that is the only way for a relationship to survive an affair.

"Remorse comes from true empathy for the pain the other person is feeling because of your actions," licensed marriage and family therapist, Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D. wrote in her article published by Psychology Today. Someone who feels remorse is more likely to understand and regret what they did due to the pain it may have caused someone else. Essentially, remorse comes with self-awareness, which can help deter an individual from cheating again. Cheater's guilt, on the other hand, lacks the same compassion.

Ahead, we break down the differences between remorse and guilt to help you navigate your relationship post-infidelity. Since the lies told during the affair can cause you to question your ability to judge what is real and what is not, understanding the facts will enable you to trust in your power to make the best decisions for you—whether it's to stay in your union or leave.

What Is Cheater's Guilt?

Cheater's guilt is the feeling of anxiety and distress that an individual may experience after they've cheated on their partner, explains relationship experts Antia and Brody Boyd. "This guilt will come from the thoughts swirling in their mind about how and why they may have betrayed their partner's trust and their own ethical compass," the experts further share. "They could be questioning themselves and why they may have made the choices they now deeply regret."

The Difference Between Cheater's Guilt and Remorse

Guilt tends to be all about the person feeling the emotion while showing remorse is a deeper feeling. According to Wale Okerayi LMHC LPC, a licensed mental health counselor, "Remorse is a deep feeling of sadness that one can feel based on something that they have done to hurt another person. Guilt, oftentimes, accompanies remorse in most cases. Guilt is a feeling of worry that you have done something wrong often followed by an action to right said wrong. Guilt is also usually only felt by the person in the wrong."

To put it simply, remorse says, “Forgive me for hurting you," while guilt or regret says, “Stop making me feel guilty for hurting you.” "[Guilt] often seems flat, emotionless, and is more focused on moving on and getting the 'punishment' over with," Fjelstad says. And for a relationship to survive an affair, you must be persuaded that your partner's sorrow, confessions, and emotional pain are authentic—that they're based on remorse, not guilt or regret.

Signs Your Partner May Have Cheater's Guilt

If you're unsure whether your partner has cheater's guilt, here are four signs to look out for that indicate they may feel guilty, not remorseful, according to Antia and Brody.

• Your partner overcompensates in order to make you view them in the best light.
• Your partner is emotionally distancing themself from you and the relationship. "The guilt could also be causing them to take another path of closing up emotionally and not wanting to engage in conversation," explains Antia and Brody.
• Your partner exhibits signs of anxiety, restlessness, or insomnia. "You may notice them fidgeting more often, stuttering their words, or having difficulty with sleeping," notes Antia and Brody.
• Your partner has become more aggressive, "more prone to outbursts, seems stressed, or starts arguments with you often," share the experts.

Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful

Here are a few telltale signs that your partner is truly remorseful.

• Not only does your partner apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies.
• Your partner shows their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions.
• Your partner holds themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own. 
• Your partner is willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward, whether that's seeking couples therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are on board with any action you need them to take.
• Your partner takes full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your significant other felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made.
• Your partner is willing to go at your pace, "no matter how slow it may be," Okerayi notes. "They are not pressuring you to 'move on' or 'get over it' and they are constantly reminding you that they will do the work no matter how long it takes."
  

How to Move Forward After an Affair

"A person can start to heal from infidelity by allowing themselves to feel their sadness, disappointment, and betrayal first and foremost," shares Okerayi. "I would then recommend individual counseling to have space to process your feelings towards the infidelity in a way that's unfiltered. Then, when you feel like it's the right time, I would recommend couples therapy if working on the relationship is still a goal for you."

If your partner attempts to shut you down, blame you, or asks you to simply "let it go,” however, they likely aren't yet ready to feel remorse for their actions. And, until then, you probably will want to think twice about trusting them and their commitment to you.