Is Wedding Tipping Culture Out of Control? Surprisingly, a Lot of Industry Professionals Say Yes

Tipping culture in the United States is a unique beast, and it’s one that’s been scrutinized for decades, particularly in the restaurant industry, where the majority of workers don’t make a living hourly wage. Gratuities also come into play at weddings and have been part of the big-day etiquette lexicon for decades. These days, wedding tips are distributed in several different ways: Couples may work preemptively with their vendor lead (usually their wedding planner) to tack on an additional percentage to certain vendors’ baseline fees, prepare cash-filled white envelopes to dole at the end of the night, or shoot off a Venmo, Zelle, or thoughtful gift in the party’s aftermath. But as more and more critical conversations about tipping culture permeate the news cycle—according to the Pew Research Center, 72 percent of Americans believe that tipping is expected in more places today than it was five years ago, a phenomenon dubbed “tipflation”—couples and industry professionals alike have also started questioning what really merits a wedding tip, what the ideal amount or percentage should be in the face of rising big-day service costs, and—the hottest of topics—who should truly get one.

Of course, America’s restaurant and wedding industries are not the same, which is why many professionals say that conflating the two isn’t fair. “I believe that the keystone issue is that tipping culture in restaurants and cafes has a false equivalence to other ‘service’ professions, including those in the wedding industry,” says New York City-based wedding planner Lindsay Landman, who surveyed 500 event professionals on this very topic earlier this year. “So, I do think tipping is out of control in weddings, but not exactly for the same reasons.” For starters, tipping in other service jobs is to compensate for grossly reduced hourly wages (in certain states, this can be as low as $2.13 an hour, far below the manageable standard of living). “However, in the vast majority of cases, this is not at all applicable in the wedding industry,” notes Landman, who questions why another big-day vendor (who might clear, say, $150 per hour or astronomically more) should expect to receive a gratuity at all. “That’s a pretty far cry from $2.13 an hour—or even $20 an hour—but the expectation has become the same.”

This is ultimately the crux of the debate: Some event professionals believe the wedding industry fits squarely inside of the service industry, rendering tipping mandatory (or at least highly encouraged) across the board for all staff. Others believe that higher-cost vendors (read: planners, photographers, florists, and more) should simply price their services so that they (and their teams) feel whole from the jump, reserving gratuities for specific categories or manual laborers. This internal split has left couples feeling more confused about wedding tip etiquette than ever before. “I can say for certain that the industry is in conflict with this practice. Some planners will advise their clients to expect to add 20 percent to every vendor invoice across the board, resulting in a significant increase in overall spend,” explains Beth Helmstetter, a wedding planner located in Los Angeles. “Others will tell you to slide the delivery drivers a $10 bill and you’re solid. Most of us are somewhere in the middle—but it must be challenging for couples navigating this process solo to determine what feels right.”

To help couples cut through the noise, we spoke to wedding planners and etiquette experts on both sides of the divide. Ahead, we attempted to identify a few unifiers that duos can heed to better navigate modern wedding tip etiquette, which is often fraught with contradictions.

Most Pros Agree on Consistently Tipping These 8 Vendors

Of the six experts we spoke to, all unanimously agreed that the below vendors or jobs usually merit a tip—and that the majority of their clients (80 percent or more) use this cheat sheet as a baseline.

• Venue staff: 15 to 20 percent of venue service bill, split between staff
• Delivery and setup staff: $10 to $50 per person per day, depending on project
• Catering captains and catering staff: 15 to 20 percent of total food and beverage costs, split between staff
• Bartenders: $300 to $500, split between staff
• Hairstylists: 20 percent of the service
• Makeup artists: 20 percent of the service
• DJs or band members: $200 for DJs, $25 to $50 per musician
• Transportation staff: 15 to 20 percent of pre-tax bill

Vendors who supply day-of services that are inherently rooted in labor and production should receive small tips, but they often go unnoticed, say the pros. “I believe delivery and setup teams are the most overlooked and underpaid [vendors]. These are the people who should receive tips, as they work on production days and go above and beyond to ensure everything is executed smoothly,” says Chanda Daniels, an event planner based in San Francisco. “Lately I’ve been wondering if planners and designers should tip the setup crews, because they are making those last-minute changes and adjustments for us.” Hairstylists and makeup artists, DJs or band members, and catering and transportation staff should get gratuities, too, if they haven’t already been baked into their contracts. “If a service charge was included in your bottom line, gratuity has already been covered,” clarifies Tory Smith of smith + james. “Ninety-nine percent of the time, gratuity is included in your transportation contracts.”

What our experts disagreed on is whether or not tipping needs to happen at the “core” vendor level, which includes wedding planners, event designers, photographers, videographers, and florists. Traditional etiquette says yes, in some cases, but many pros don’t agree, considering the fact that these vendors are in control of their prices, which are typically high (and for good reason!). “We are service professionals who set our own rates—it is each professional’s responsibility to establish fair compensation for the services we and our team members provide,” argues Landman.

Wedding Tips Are Not “Mandatory” 

Though there is a certain expectation around tipping at weddings, it is, in fact, not mandatory and should always be rooted in exceptional performance, say the pros. “A tip is a way to thank someone or a team for excellent service. Things to consider when deciding if or how much to tip a vendor would be the overall positive experience, exceeding expectations, and personalized service,” shares Mariah Grumet, the founder of Old Soul Etiquette. “Tips can range anywhere from five to 20 percent, which is a big range. There are a lot of things to consider, so it’s important to take it on a case-by-case basis.”

Though almost all of the experts we spoke to cited “above-and-beyond service” as the grounds for a wedding tip, there seems to be some nuance to what that really means—everyone seems to define it a little differently. To Landman, a tip should be reserved for those who go “above and beyond the call of duty” and should not be an extension of compensation or expected. “These are business relationships, sealed with a contract, and therefore compensation is clearly outlined,” she says. She also argues that “above and beyond” is the bar: “For those of us working in the luxury and ultra-luxury space, this is actually what is expected and what our clients are already paying for. If you are paying $65,000 for a band to play for four hours, they should knock your socks off and shouldn’t expect a dollar extra to do it.”

Then there’s the flipside: To Jeanette Tavares of event planning firm Evoke Design & Creative, tips exist outside a contract or baseline price, and that is because they are inherently about real-time action and therefore irrelevant to a pre-set rate. “I think each vendor provides something different to the project and each tip should be individually assessed based on the overall scope,” she explains. 

When Possible, Wedding Tips Should Be Determined and Distributed After the Fact

According to Landman, what traditional wedding tipping etiquette gets wrong is timing—and it might say a lot about why we’re driven to tip in the first place. “Studies show that the vast majority of people give a gratuity out of guilt or fear of being judged,” she says, pointing to a Cornell study by Michael Lynn, who has become one of today’s leading authorities on the subject. “Vendors associate a tip with gratitude and validation, but in almost all cases, clients distribute the money because they feel it is what they are expected to do—and it has little to do with the vendor’s service at all.” She points to the exact moment when tips are determined as proof: “Remember that 99 percent of the time, tips are decided before the wedding even happens. All of the money is pre-organized into labeled envelopes.” 

Of course, guilt or obligation aren’t a couple’s only motivations for tipping their vendor teams and most do want to reward their efforts for bringing their dream event to life. But instead of predetermining certain vendors’ big-day gratuities ahead of time, many of the pros we polled suggest tipping after the wedding, a deviation from how many duos do so now. “If the couple feels their experience with a creative on the wedding day was exceptional, they should send a personalized thank-you card and tip if they choose after—nothing should be expected. The card, the review, all of those things are more valuable than a tip,” notes Daniels. Landman believes that shifting tip determination and distribution to after the wedding would be a big step forward and keep big-day gratuities rooted in their ethos. “That way, they are truly responsive to exceptional service—and then they can be by check or Zelle or Venmo,” she says. “I think this would be a huge transitional step in re-messaging what a tip is for.”

There is, however, one critical limitation to this point of view: It relegates a vendor’s performance to a single day, when, in actuality, professionals toil for months (or even years) over these celebrations. That intentional behind-the-scenes work—the 100-message-strong email chains, the quick design pivots, the 3 a.m. ideas that make your event so much more—is, for many couples, a wedding tip’s raison d’être. From this vantage point, a vendor shows you who they are long before the wedding day arrives, which might make predetermining a gratuity (and having it set by go-time) a straightforward and accurate gesture. Sure, it’s easy to say that this pre-work is exactly what you’re paying for, but there’s a difference between a client-vendor rapport and a relationship. Grumet reminds couples to remember that as they ponder who to tip and when: “Let’s not forget how hard your vendors are working to make your big day absolutely spectacular,” she says.

Rules About Not Tipping Business Owners Are Outdated

You’ve likely heard this one a bunch: If a wedding vendor owns their business, you can skip the tip. The problem with this (outdated) model is that most big-day pros do own their companies. “This has always been a confusing piece of advice floating around out there,” says Smith. “We are not of the opinion that business owners should be treated differently than non-business owners. At the end of the day, tipping is about the quality of service a couple received.” Grumet agrees, noting that this etiquette rule needs to go: “I would still recommend tipping a vendor even if they are the owner of the company,” she says. “Oftentimes you will see the owner do everything from initial consultations, to contracts, to being the person there on the big day!”

Tavares, who says, “owner or not, you tip or gift,” notes that some couples choose the latter option when thanking vendors who helm their businesses. “We find most of our clients will give the owners of the company something [physical]—like a gift for the photographer or planner—and tip staff members in cash,” she explains.

More Education, Discussion, and Unification Is Needed

If couples are confused about who to tip and how much, Grumet suggests checking in with your wedding planner or coordinator, since it’s best to avoid discussing tipping expectations with other vendors directly. Virtually all of the planners we tapped said that they have candid conversations with their clients about gratuities; some provide detailed tipping guides from the jump and others wait for their couples to bring it up before sharing their thoughts. 

All this tracks with Landman’s data: Of the 215 planners that took her survey, 75 percent said that they always provide tipping guidance to their clients and another 13 percent said they provide it when asked. The root of the issue? They don’t always know the correct amounts to advise and often default to phrases like “any amount is a nice gesture” or “never expected, but always appreciated,” she says.

It’s confusing for couples—and a lot of experts know it. As it stands, an up-to-date, one-size-fits-all tip guide just doesn’t exist, and Daniels hopes the confusion becomes a call for change. “I feel it should be an industry conversation and that an industry-wide standard should be set,” she says. “We are missing that.” Landman hopes these discussions break “this endless cycle of secrecy and mystery” surrounding wedding tip etiquette, and she notes that switching to a more inclusive price model might help both business owners and couples alike navigate the nuance.