Why Do Weddings Bring Out the Worst in People?

Brides—and grooms, and parents, and wedding parties—behaving badly sounds like an overdone pop culture cliché, but it’s a trope that’s often based in reality. In a perfect world, weddings would be about nothing more than two people beginning their life as a married couple. In the real world, though, the wedding planning process fires up an emotional pressure cooker that brings a variety of issues—including long-held expectations, control issues, financial stress, interpersonal boundaries, and familial relationships—to a boil. 

“There’s a long list of things that merge together in a wedding to give the perfect conditions for bad behavior,” says Julie Bunkley of Invision Events. “There’s the inevitable stress of making a massive life decision, there’s two sets of family dynamics to balance, there’s money involved, deadlines, expectations, and the list goes on. While we don’t condone or even expect poor behavior, it’s hard to miss why it happens.”

Add the anxiety that accompanies a set deadline—known more romantically as your wedding date—and the “once in a lifetime” mindset that fuels a compulsion to make every detail perfect, and it’s no surprise that couples go from excited to obsessive; parents progress from eager to overbearing; and bridal attendants shift from easygoing to overwhelmed. “Weddings give way to heightened emotions because there are so many dreams and expectations, from the engaged couple to their family and friends, that sometimes collide and create conflict,” says Beverley Andre, LMFT, a couples therapist and relationship expert. “Everyone involved wants their thoughts and opinions to be validated and considered, so there’s this increased pressure to make the ‘right’ choice so no one is upset, which tends to undermine the joy of the process.”

No matter how much you like your future in-laws, how close you are to your parents, and how calm you think you’ll be about planning a wedding, the emotional meltdowns, temper flashes, annoyances, and long-term grudges are all too familiar to anyone who has planned (or been around) a wedding. Here’s why they happen—and how to prevent or at least mitigate the fall-out to keep your own planning journey drama-free, according to mental health experts and a wedding planner who has seen it all.

Why Weddings Cause Bad Behavior

There are several reasons why weddings bring out the worst in our parents, our siblings, our best friends, and even ourselves. We explore a few of the most glaring culprits below.

Processing a Major Life Milestone Can Be Challenging for Everyone

For parents and children, conflicts are rarely about what’s on the surface: Your parents may vocalize their complaints about the venue, the entrées, or the seating chart, but their true anxiety is more likely about how the established family structure is about to change.

A shift in control is a natural part of the wedding planning process. An engaged couple relies more on each other than on their parents to make decisions about the future—not just about wedding details, but about where they’ll live, what their family might look like, even whether or not they’ll get a pet—which can leave parents feeling pushed out and powerless. “Weddings are a milestone and a part of the family life cycle's launching stage, signifying the experience of parents seeing their children establishing their own families,” says Andre. “In many cultures, weddings mark a person's transition into full-fledged adulthood, which can stir up bittersweet emotions for parents as they come to terms with the fact that their child has left the nest.”

This new dynamic can also put parents in the unfamiliar spot of having to defer to a new spouse. For mothers and fathers who are used to getting their way about where the extended family goes on vacation, who hosts Thanksgiving, or even what kind of pizza you order for Friday night dinner, accommodating the wishes and preferences of a new son- or daughter-in-law can feel deeply uncomfortable. “During wedding planning, the family dynamics also experience a shift in influence and leadership,” says Andre. “This period of change can impact the entire family as boundaries and access are redefined.”

Control Is Usually the Root of the Problem

Parents who feel threatened by these changes to the family structure often express their feelings by acting out—arguing with the couple, threatening to withhold financial support, and disregarding the couple’s wishes—as they try to regain the sense of control they’ve held for decades. 

“People will always reduce you to the version of yourself that they have the most control over, or that they benefit the most from,” says Danielle L. Moore, LCSW, mental health therapist at Refresh Wellness Center. “A wedding seems to put their benefit of having control over you in jeopardy. So although the event is supposed to be about the [couple], parents or caregivers feel entitled to certain things, to their ideas and what they want. They want to be in control—and when things don't happen [their way], people tend to manifest bad behavior.” (This can also happen with a bride’s or groom’s close friends, who may sense a loss of control and importance when they feel replaced by a soon-to-be spouse, she adds.)

Parents with a financial stake in the wedding can regain their sense of power by simply approving—or denying—the couple’s spending, which magnifies the conflicts. “If they’re providing financial resources, they feel like they have control,” says Moore. “But when you override the wishes of the bride and groom, it has the potential to damage so many things. There may be some cowering from the bride and groom, or there may be a blowup.”

Too Many Opinions Lead to Too Many Big Emotions

Brides and grooms can develop their own unpleasant attitudes based on a combination of stress, decision-fatigue, pressure-fueled expectations. When you’re the person getting married, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one who isn’t causing trouble (after all: it’s supposed to be your day!). Fielding an endless influx of questions about your plans—and negative responses from the in-laws who don’t like your cake choice, the relatives who don’t like your holiday-weekend date, and the bridesmaids who don’t like your color palette—can keep you second-guessing your choices or constantly defending them. 

If you’re a well-meaning friend or relative on the receiving end of an undeserved—and unexpectedly harsh—reaction to a simple comment, decision fatigue and emotional exhaustion may be to blame. “Couples are making a huge amount of decisions when they are in the midst of a wedding. When they’ve decided on something that has wedding party involvement, they just want those decisions to be respected—assuming they are reasonable decisions to begin with,” says Bunkley. “They don’t want to have to revisit things they have already spent time and emotional energy on to even arrive at the decision, especially if there’s other, more stressful things they are dealing with.” 

There's a Fine Line Between Stress and Entitlement

Some brides aren’t just tired: They’re overly fixated on a dream inspired by decades of lavish movie weddings, a powerful bridal industry, and a constant flow of wedding content on their social media feeds. Brides can get so caught up in their own vision that they forget their bridesmaids may be living on grad school stipends; their parents may be saving for retirement; or their siblings may be buried under student loans. “We have been inundated with all of these images of beautiful weddings and lavish bachelorette parties,” says Moore. “A lot of times, people want to have those experiences and they don’t understand what it takes to pull that type of stuff off—who’s footing the bill for it? Anytime you count on other people’s money, you’re getting into dicey territory. If the bride is expecting for there to be this grandiose celebration, that can be very stressful; it can cause tensions to rise if stuff doesn't live up to the expectations.” 

But are these brides entitled or just full of excitement and vision? “I believe it's a mix of both,” says Andre. “Some brides expect reciprocity from their friends and family, especially if they have contributed their time, energy, and money toward their weddings. When they don't receive it, and their response is deep hurt, it may be interpreted as entitled behavior.” But as with any other emotional reaction, what you see isn’t always a clear indicator of a person’s true feelings: The bride may have trouble expressing that she senses a lack of excitement from her friends and family, is anxious about making sure guests enjoy her wedding, feels disconnected from her partner, or is worrying about living up to a set of expectations. “We've all seen shows and movies that depict 'bridezilla' behavior, but I always wonder if these brides feel acknowledged and understood,” says Andre. “Sometimes, people will keep repeating themselves until they feel seen and heard.”

The Long-Term Effects of Wedding-Related Bad Behavior

Unlike spilled Champagne, tossed petals, and dirty cake plates, which can be cleaned up to look like new after the party ends, interpersonal issues that pop up during the wedding process can have lifelong implications. Stories abound: Brides and maids of honor don't speak for years after the wedding; parents and children cease all communication; and relationships between families fracture beyond repair. “I've seen brides who have completely deteriorated relationships with their mothers and their fathers,” says Moore. “Once you feel disrespected, like somebody didn't honor you, or like somebody mishandled and mistreated you—people remember how you made them feel.”

A relationship damaged during the wedding or planning can affect the newlyweds in their new married lives, too; plenty of new spouses can’t forgive their parents or in-laws for ruining their wedding experience. “When you add that kind of stress to people who are merging their lives together, they lose their support system,” says Moore. “That can cause anxiety and depression and contention within that new relationship, and so they're not starting from a good place.”

How to Limit Everyone's Bad Behavior While Planning Your Wedding

While there’s no way to avoid every bit of bad behavior that might come out during your wedding planning, you can take steps to defuse the conflicts before they happen.

Be Pragmatic About Funding

Whether from your parents or your bridal party, be realistic about how much money people can—or will—dedicate to your celebration and pre-wedding events. “If you are expecting people to be a part of your wedding, you need to be expecting to pay for whatever it is,” says Moore. “And if you can’t, you need to be flexible and considerate of what their contributions can be. Hold space for them to be able to say what they can and cannot do financially, in a conversation that is very explicit and detail-oriented.”

Get Ahead of Problematic Participants 

“If you know there’s someone in your family, or even friends, who has been difficult to work with in the past, things likely won’t be better in the context of a wedding,” says Bunkley. “If you aren’t engaged yet, but you can already name someone in your life that could be a problem when you are engaged and planning a wedding, you might as well start to work on those issues now.”

Communicate Effectively

“Couples and their families should have a series of conversations about their expectations for their wedding,” says Andre. “For the premarital couples I work with, I provide them a guide with a series of questions ranging from establishing a wedding vision, bridging values, figuring out finances, and navigating conversations with family and in-laws. Since the couple is on the journey of becoming one, they need to have conversations, make preliminary decisions within themselves, and then decide if they want to incorporate their family's and friends' opinions."

If you decide against welcoming outside thoughts and opinions, your family might have feelings—and that's okay. "It's impossible to make everyone happy, so trying to find a balance is commendable, but only sometimes realistic," Andre adds.

Let It Go

Bed behavior takes a slew of forms. “There’s a wide scale of what drama could look like from the people within your wedding,” says Bunkley. “Some of it might be easily smoothed out and other parts (unfortunately) might simmer for years. Just know that it will always be in your best interest to put things behind you as much as possible so you can focus on the commitment you are making to your fiancé/e.”

Set (and Hold) Boundaries

"We get into mental, emotional, and financial trouble when we have unrealistic expectations of people,” says Moore. “You need to be able to accept people for who they are, and where they are, and govern yourself accordingly." If you're struggling with asserting and adhering to your own boundaries, that's a you problem—and one that you should be working through with your own therapist. "You should be able to assert what your needs and expectations are, allow people to be able to respond to their capacity to meet those needs, and move forward accordingly,” she says.

Focus on the Future 

Moore recommends an approach she calls “Begin with the end in mind.” “People are just thinking about their big party and walking down the aisle—they're not thinking about what they want to feel like mentally and emotionally,” she says. “What is your desired outcome for this day, mentally and emotionally? Not for your pictures, not for Instagram—how do you want to feel at the end of your wedding day? These poor boundaries, these power struggles, these financial commitments are all going into how you're going to feel at the end of that day.”