39 Funny Wedding Toasts and Speeches That'll Get the Whole Room Laughing

If you've been asked to give a wedding toast, it's important to recognize what a big deal this is. The couple must think very highly of you if they trust you to speak on their behalf in front of everyone they love on such a special day. Now that you recognize what a tremendous honor this is, you might be feeling a bit nervous about your new role as reception orator. Where should you begin planning your speech?

The most important thing to know about wedding speeches—whether you're the maid of honor, best man, or a parent—is that the best ones are both heartfelt and humorous. Another key feature of a perfect toast? It should be under five minutes. Now that you have the length down, you can start penning your toast by doing a deep-dive into your own memories of and feelings about the couple. For most people, those heartfelt bits come easily. It's the other half of the speech—the funny half—that tends to be tough to write. After all, coming up with zingers isn't a skill that we all naturally possess. So, to help you out in the laughs department, we’ve rounded up some of our favorite funny wedding toasts and marriage quotes below.

Feel free to borrow with abandon and mix them up as needed—whatever it takes to make your speech really shine! 

Funny Wedding Toast Ideas 

Whether you're the maid of honor, best man, or parent of the bride or groom, these one-liners and well-wishes are sure to garner some chuckles.

1. "What do late nights, wild parties, and hanging out with friends on the weekend have in common? You won’t be able to do any of those things from now on. But congratulations on your wedding!"
2. "May your children be blessed with rich parents." 
3. "The couple asked that I don't share any embarrassing stories today... so that's it for me! Cheers to the newlyweds!"
4. "Here's to you and here's to me,
   I hope we never disagree,
   But if, perchance, we ever do,
   Then here's to me, and to hell with you."
5. "Let’s raise our glasses to the two secrets of a long-lasting marriage: a good sense of humor and a short memory."
6. "May all of your ups and downs be only in the bedroom."
7. "Our happy couple really struggled to find someone to give a speech today. They asked their most attractive friend first, and they said no. Then they asked their smartest friend, who also said no. After that, they went to their funniest friend, and the answer was still no. So then they asked me, and I couldn't turn them down for a fourth time!" 
8. "Remember: In life there are only two tools anyone really needs in their toolbox—duct tape and WD40. Duct tape keeps things from moving when they shouldn’t, and WD40 gets things moving when they’re stuck."
9. "May you both live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live."
10. "May you never lie, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie with each other. And if you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink with us. Cheers to the newlyweds!"
11. "We are gathered here today to honor something so truly magical, so truly unique and wonderful, that it simply had to be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the doughnut wall."
12. "As Bill and Ted once said: 'Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.'"
13. "Saying 'I do' at your wedding is like clicking the 'I accept' box any time a new piece of software on your computer or phone asks you to read its terms and conditions: You do it despite having no idea what will come next. Congratulations on your marriage!"
14. "Let me leave you with one piece of advice. Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. Remember: They also chose you. Cheers!"
15. "Now, let’s raise our glasses to the happy couple. I actually like both of you—do you have any idea how rare that is?"
16. "The couple has amazing taste, don't you think? I mean, we can all agree that they did choose the absolute best speaker tonight!"
17. "May the most you wish for be the least you get." 
18. "May your household multiply, and may your hearts never be divided."

Funny Quotes for Your Wedding Toast 

Use these humorous bits to offer the newlyweds wisdom and advice with a wink in your toast.

1. "The secret to a good marriage is to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg 
2. "We are all a little weird, and life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love." — Dr. Seuss 
3. "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner
4. "Marriage is not just spiritual communion. It is also remembering to take out the trash." — Dr. Joyce Brothers
5. "Love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener." — Pauline Thomason 
6. "A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes into it." — Unknown
7. "All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt." — Charles Schulz
8. "Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy." — Henry Kissinger
9. "To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up." — Ogden Nash
10. "For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
11. "If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married." — Unknown
12. "Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy." — Unknown
13. "If at first you don’t succeed...try doing it the way your wife told you." — Unknown 
14. "Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid [their] problems sound to you." — Megan Mullally 
15. "The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret." — Henny Youngman
16. "The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly who you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with." — Mac MacGuff in Juno 
17. "A man is incomplete until he's married. After that, he's finished." — Zsa Zsa Gabor
18. "Love is sharing your popcorn." — Charles Schultz
19. "Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there." — George Burns
20. "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times—always with the same person." — Mignon McLaughlin
21. "Love is a lot like dancing; you just surrender to the music." — Pierce Brosnan
    

Tips for Writing and Delivering a Funny Wedding Toast

A funny wedding toast is a great way to keep everyone engaged; guests (especially after a few drinks at cocktail hour) don't always have the best attention spans for long, emotional speeches. A toast that's light, short, and appropriately funny is the recipe for one attendees will remember—and for all the right reasons. Just be sure to follow a few important tips for writing, practicing, and delivering a funny wedding toast.

Avoid too many inside jokes.

Have you ever been out with a group of friends and experienced everyone laughing about something that makes absolutely no sense to you? If so, you know that there's no worse feeling than being on the outside of an inside joke. While it's perfectly fine to include a few lines that make sense to just a few people in attendance, it's important to ensure that the vast majority of your toast resonates with everyone on the guest list.

Don't poke fun at the happy couple.

Remember that this is a toast, not a roast. It's best to be humorous but not mean-spirited or cruel. You want guests to laugh with you instead of at the happy couple, so avoid anything that feels as though you're mocking the newlyweds. Sharing funny stories and musings is a better course of action than retelling every embarrassing story you know about the bride or groom.

Be sure to strike the right balance between funny and serious.

While you don't have to pair every funny line with something more sentimental, it is nice to ensure there's a good mix of content in your speech. Balance all that (tasteful) humor with more serious sentiments—how much you love the couple, what their bond has taught you about happy relationships, and your hopes and dreams for their long, happy future together—and you've got a guaranteed hit.

Have someone else vet it.

Who can forget that scene in Wedding Crashers where Rachel McAdams thinks she's written the world's funniest speech and Owen Wilson kindly tells her to speak from the heart instead? While you might think you've penned a winner, it's best to let someone you trust weigh in before you take it to the crowd. Be open-minded about their feedback and willing to adjust if they note any major red flags.

Practice, practice, practice.

Your speech might be rock solid, but if you're tripping over every word or rushing through what you've written, guests will never know how great it is. Though definitely don't have to memorize it, you should practice it a few times through to make sure there are no clunky phrases or tough to pronounce words. Nail your timing and make sure you give your jokes a little breathing room for laughs, too.