How to Tell Your Child How Much Money You'll Contribute to Their Wedding

After your child gets engaged, one of the first wedding-planning tasks they’ll cross off their list is establishing a budget and determining who will be paying for which costs. Since a financial blueprint sets guidelines and expectations for the upcoming event, your daughter or son won’t be able to make any nuptial-related decision until they have an estimate. That’s why discussing the amount of money that you’ll be contributing to their big day should be a top priority shortly after their engagement (once you congratulate them, of course). 

There’s no question that weddings are expensive, so managing your child’s expectations about the amount of money you’ll be spending—whether it’s paying for a portion of the funds or covering the entire affair—is essential. “It’s important to be upfront with your engaged child in terms of financial expectations,” etiquette expert Mariah Grumet advises. While this discussion can be uncomfortable, especially if the amount falls short or if money isn't a standard topic of conversation in your family, don't let the uneasiness prevent you from being honest. Not only will this chat allow you to share your thoughts on their upcoming celebration, but it will also set a financial framework that will help your child plan their soirée—and stay within budget.

If you aren’t sure how to broach this conversation, we asked Grumet and couples counselor Nicholas “Nic” Hardy for their top tips on navigating this discussion in a productive and stress-free way. Read on for more.

How to Tell Your Child How Much Money You’ll Contribute to Their Wedding

To make a potentially difficult conversation as effective and seamless as possible, here are some possible ways to tell your child how much you’ll be contributing, according to Grumet.

Schedule an In-Person Conversation

Discussing your financial capabilities in the same room as your daughter or son creates a strong emotional connection and builds trust, which will make your child more receptive to your message and the overall experience more peaceful and positive. “Communicating in person creates a collaborative atmosphere, where you can take notes and research pricing together,” Grumet says. “A face-to-face meeting also allows participants the benefit of nonverbal cues, so everyone can gauge the direction of the conversation.” Although this option is best for preventing and mitigating conflict if it arises, it’s only feasible if your child lives nearby or is visiting.

To make the discussion manageable, make sure only those involved in the planning process are present for the conversation, including the couple and any parents, guardians, or loved ones who are contributing to the event. “There’s no need for extra opinions,” Grumet adds.

Arrange a Phone or Video Call

If your child doesn’t live in close proximity to you, a phone or video call is an effective alternative. While a phone call may be the more convenient option, video calls will offer nonverbal cues—which can help avoid misunderstandings. 

Instead of ringing them out of the blue, schedule the call well in advance via text or email, so you and your child will have time to logistically and mentally prepare. “Catching them off guard is never a good thing,” Grumet cautions. To ensure the conversation is a productive one, Grumet recommends employing compassion and clear communication. “Open up the call on a positive note, including how excited you are about their big day,” she says. “Then, stay focused on the points you need to get across. Be sure to take notes and summarize everything at the end of the call, so there’s no confusion down the road.”

Write a Letter

Verbally communicating your financial contribution has many benefits, but there is a possibility that your message may not translate—especially if the news you’re delivering fails to meet expectations or if the topic is particularly anxiety-inducing for you. On the other hand, by writing a letter (either by mail or email), you’ll have more time to think before speaking, so you can more clearly and thoughtfully articulate what you’re trying to convey. Plus, putting your financial figures in writing will alleviate uncertainty later on. Although creating emotional distance may be helpful for some, with this option, you won’t be able to gauge facial expressions or tone of voice or hear an immediate response from the couple, Grumet warns.

The same guidelines as verbal discussions apply here, but since you’ll be the only one communicating, your message needs to be as clear as possible. “Be sure to open on a positive note as your initial goal should be to put the recipient at ease," Grumet shares. "Next, you want to be clear in your deliverables, so there’s no room for miscommunication. This means being direct and using actual, hard numbers. It’s here where you can also communicate what you’d like the funds to be used for. Finally, as this is a one-sided conversation, you'll want to close by inviting your child to come back with any questions or concerns."

Engage a Third Party

For those who have a complicated relationship with their child or who expect the conversation to be contentious, Grumet advises enlisting a third party to sit in on the meeting. Just make sure the individual is impartial, such as their wedding planner or a financial coach. “This option could assist with conflict resolution and includes all the benefits of a face-to-face,” she notes. “On the downside, involving an outsider could make the conversation less intimate and appear insulting to your child and their partner.”

Use a Combination of Methods

To set yourself up for the most successful outcome, you may want to consider an amalgamation of these ideas. “You can start with a phone call or letter to propose the conversation, then schedule a face-to-face meeting if distance permits,” Grumet suggests. “Finally, if necessary, you can lean on a professional for a follow-up meeting or phone call.”

How to Respond If Your Child Asks for an Amount That Exceeds Your Budget

After disclosing the amount of money you’re able to contribute to their wedding, plus the expenses your investment will cover, the best-case scenario is that your child expresses gratitude for your generosity. Depending on your relationship with your child, their behavioral patterns, and their financial expectations, another possible reaction is conveying disappointment and asking for additional cash. Here’s how to respond to these demands in a polite and uncontentious yet assertive way. 

Acknowledge Any Emotions That Come Up

Witnessing pushback from your child after making a generous offer can bring up a range of intense emotions, such as feeling unappreciated, angry, guilty, or ashamed, according to Hardy. When these feelings arise, it’s easy to react to them, whether that be raising your voice or obeying their demands—but these responses will only escalate the conflict and cause resentment. Instead of letting your emotions run the show, acknowledge their presence and take a deep breath before responding. If you need to, you can even distance yourself from the conversation and revisit it once you’ve cooled off. Letting your emotions pass will allow you to speak from a more rational place.

Listen to Their Request

Your child asking for more money might not be the response you were hoping for, but Hardy says it’s still important to make them feel heard. As your child pleads for a budget increase, listen attentively and try your best to refrain from making any judgments. “When we take time to listen, we foster an environment that is welcoming and conducive to healthy disagreements,” Hardy explains. Even if you’re going to deny their request, hear them out first.

Demonstrate Empathy

It might feel nearly impossible to set aside your own outrage when your daughter or son is demanding a boost in funds. But when you shift the focus from yourself and your feelings to what your child is going through, that change in perspective can help you better understand where they’re coming from—even if you don’t agree. Maybe they’re acting on insecurity, stress, or fear. Whatever the reason, empathizing with them will help you approach the conversation in a less combative manner, which will make it more productive.

Express Your Financial Limitations

If your child is discouraged by the amount of money you’re contributing, Hardy recommends explaining why you’ve chosen that budget—which is likely due to your financial means. And even if you technically can afford to increase the amount, Hardy notes that it isn’t always in your best interest, so consider making that known. When your child is aware that you’re paying as much as you realistically can, they’ll hopefully be more understanding. This will also reassure them that your contribution reflects your ability and is in no way a reflection of your love for them. 

Reaffirm Your Boundaries

Your child may not be pleased with the amount of money you’re contributing, and that’s okay. Even if their reaction brings up feelings of shame, caving will reinforce their behavior. Instead, Hardy encourages you to establish and reassert your boundaries. “This may include allocating a certain amount of money upfront or not engaging in conversations beyond a budget amount,” Hardy says.

Propose Alternative Options

You might not be able to exceed the budget you’ve allocated, but you can offer some suggestions that will help your child cover some of the remaining expenses, per Hardy. Maybe you propose starting a savings account, taking out a loan, or talking to a financial advisor. Sharing these methods will communicate to your child that you still care about them and their wedding and are still emotionally there for them. 

Remind Them of What Matters

A lot comes up for a couple when planning a wedding, which can easily detract from the purpose: marrying their person. If your child is upset about your designated financial contribution, you can help adjust their expectations. “When couples are reminded about what is most important and why they are getting married in the first place, there may be less pressure to have certain items during the wedding,” Hardy says.